DD sneaking food - please help me plan how to discuss this with her

[AinsleyHayes]

NC as this is so deeply personal but I have been here for years. For context, I have a long history of a really difficult relationship with food. I started sneaking food and bingeing around the age of 9, and in my teens I began making myself vomit. I am now overweight and it has been one of my greatest fears that I would pass on a disordered relationship with food to my DD, who is 10.

It has become apparent that she has been sneaking food and I need to discuss this with her. I have no healthy example to work from: my mother has also had major food issues and when I tried to confide in her that I was bingeing and purging she signed me up to Weight Watchers and it was literally never spoken of again. I have been incredibly careful never to comment on weight or body shapes in front of DD in the way that my mother always did, and from a very young age I have encouraged DD to 'listen to her tummy' and never made her clear her plate if she was full.

I feel like I need to have a plan of what I want to say, but I feel that my own frame of reference is so warped that I need someone to read it and tell me if it is the right thing to say.

I plan to tell her that I know she has been taking food and eating it secretly. I am thinking of telling her that I have not always made healthy choices when it has come to eating and exercise and that I am now working very hard to undo some of my past poor choices (she knows this as I have started exercising regularly). I plan to say that when I look back on those poor choices, sometimes I would eat because I was bored, or because it was easier than dealing with an emotion such as sadness or frustration. I will not hide or secrete food from her and she will always be able to choose foods to form a balanced diet in our home but I am going to help her to unpick some of the early bad habits that she has started to form.

Please be kind. Thank you.

Firstly a few carrot sticks will not fill up a hormonal pre teen, she isn’t a toddler. Secondly this is not a long term answer. She needs to learn to navigate a world of food choice in a healthy way. Just not having these foods in the house will not teach her this.

I would mention the large cookie, just ask if she ate it. I would say I thought you knew that on was for sharing. Everything else seems fair enough really. Is she still hungry after dinner? Can you put more veg on her plate to fill her up a bit more.

@AinsleyHayes I got help through a local eating disorder support charity. I went to a weekly recovery group and had fortnightly 1:1 therapy sessions. They asked for a contribution for the sessions but the amount was means tested. It’s worth looking at what’s available in your area if you’re struggling, I thought I’d be turned away because I was really overweight but they were more focused on the mental health impact than what the scales said.

I did try one Overeaters Anonymous group session but it wasn’t the right fit for me. I don’t view myself as an addict - I had a tough childhood and I used food as a way of controlling my world and punishing myself. The solution for me was kindness and letting go which didn’t really align with the OA model. I’m still a bit overweight but I’m much happier and healthier than before.

I read an amazing book early in therapy called “When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair”. It’s really old but it was easy to read and made me rethink a lot of my habits and views that I hadn’t really unpacked. It looks naff with a weird cover but the contents were groundbreaking to me!

I’m acutely aware of that, which is why I am posting for advice.

FWIW cookies in question were each the size of a saucer.

I think you are projecting your own feelings and experiences on to her. If you have an open kitchen policy when she can help herself to some foods but not others that sounds like a recipe for disaster

You can either put the food out of reach and change your rule, buy her her own snack box that has the snacks she's allowed for the week in it and when they are gone that's it. These can be healthy snacks, DD likes mini cucumbers and meat bits so her box is kept in the fridge. Or DH can entertain her after dinner with a board game or something else to entertain her instead of leaving her to her own devices, sounds the perfect type for some 1:1 time

I disagree with you. I don't think she's eating because she's hungry, she is eating out of boredom/habit. There is nothing to say she has an eating disorder, OP says she did/does but her daughter seems like most kids at this stage. I also used to go to the fridge/cupboard when I was a kid and snack. It's very, very common. I never had an eating disorder. Creating a habit of eating healthy snacks will make her much more likely to go for that option when she's older rather than if she was snacking on biscuits and crisps.

As others have posted, I think you're seeing this through your particular lens - I don't see anything in what you've posted that suggests she's eating "in secret". Could you suggest that she has a proper supper after her brother is in bed - scrambled egg and toast, weetabix etc.? You could make it together then you can talk about knife skills, how to cook, good proteins (greek yoghurt, eggs, peanut butter etc. ) and which she likes. Think of it as founding a positive relationship with your DD based on food, plus giving her life skills. I wouldn't sweat 2 cookies as a one-off. Could you do a sport or physical activity together as a shared activity? Martial arts etc.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your first paragraph. Why is it a recipe for disaster if she’s allowed to help herself to oatcakes / breadsticks / yoghurt but not to eat a whole pack of chocolate digestives, for example?

I know I’m projecting. This thread is helping me to see the extent of it.

I think she's too young to be able to make all her own decisions around food and eating. She should be having three meals a day and two snacks - not constantly able to just snack and snack and snack and take cookies or anything else she likes.
My concern would be that she's unhappy and using food for comfort - I'd worry about that rather than talking to her about pinching a cookie. Is she happy at school? Happy at home? Bored? Lonely?

I have two dds.
what worked for me was in a sense passing some ‘control’ to them. For example choosing a multipack of crisps each plus pack of biscuits for the week and deciding whether these were for packed lunches or to eat mainly at the weekend. Getting involved generally in the shopping/online shopping.

choosing their fruit and sandwich fillings (we were able to give fairly free reign but some families need to be more mindful of budget in which case offer from what you can afford e.g. apples or bananas)

when I personally snack a lot it’s often because dinner wasn’t satisfying enough either in quantity or because I didn’t like it or enjoy it.
so perhaps getting her involved in dinner. She might prefer for example not to have the yogurt and fruit you are offering but a cookie. It’s all in moderation of course, I am not advocating a giant cookie every day.

and for those of us who are snackers, sometimes it’s best to have some of what you actually want otherwise you can end up eating the healthy carrots or whatever then a yogurt and still reaching for the chocolate that you wanted in the first place. If I need more food due to hunger (or in a child’s case still growing) then veggies or light fruit isn’t going to fill that gap.

Oh and maybe don’t directly address the taking food sneaking it etc.
I’d maybe have a chat with her indirectly, reframing it that as she is getting a bit older she can be part of the decision making in the house re choosing food…she kind of knows you know. Addressing it might create feelings of shame or anxiety.

Doesn't sound like she's sneaking food at all.
And eating an extra cookie? Nope not a crime or a food issue in a teen either.
Jesus the amount of shite my lot wld put away esp over Xmas. And Xmas junk food eating habits can take a while to reset again.
I wouldn't say a word tbh.
Mentioning it will make it a thing.
Just don't buy they giant cookies again.
Have access to healthy snacks that she can nibble on as she needs. I know my 3 dds appetite fluctuated massively according to their cycle. And boredom. And tiredness. And cos it was their.
I absolutely do not think you are at the stage that you need a conversation. In fact I think you could do al lot more harm than good.
The last thing you want is her feeling self conscious every time she goes to the fridge.
I would advise say nothing.

Thank you all. You are all right that this isn’t sneaking. It was my issues that led me to that word.

I've decided not to say pretty much any of the thoughts in my OP. I have reminded her to double-check before she eats the last of something but I haven’t made a big deal out of it at all.

Nothing wrong with reminding her of that.
My lot knew I'd mangle em if they ate the school lunch stuff.
And the fact that you stopped and thought hang on am I doing right by dd here, well give yourself credit for that.

This isn't really sneaking food.

This is just going to the kitchen to get snacks?

Get her involved more in meal planning so that she's getting fuller on healthy dinners that she likes, then she won't be hungry before bed as much and looking for snacks.

I think you are viewing this through a disordered eating lens, cs this sounds normal for a child her age.

Don't keep junk food in the house so she can only graze on toast, fruit etc?