Child alone in school yard all the time and lonely, what can I do

[Mumof3onetwothree]

My 8 year old daughter is alone in the school yard all the time. It's been like this for several terms now. We have approached the school but they've said with a child who is quiet and timid there's not much you can do. We've also asked for her to sit beside like minded peers in the hope at least that she can have some contact with similar children in the classroom but they have said their policy is to alternate boys and girls and so she is always beside the more boisterous boys in the class. She used to play with lots of the girls but then began to be excluded.
I have spent years doing playdates, going to the park with the classmates etc. at this stage now it feels like I am a bit taken advantage of as in the parents happy to accept playdate for childcare purposes or for me to drop their child home but the girls don't play with her in the yard.
She does extra curricular activities, again she is quiet, we don't have any neighbours her age, cousins live abroad.
Is there anything I can do? And if not how to we cope with the sadness that this is happening. I feel I was so lucky in my childhood to always have at least one friend at school.

Ahh your poor dd, so sorry to hear this. Maybe she needs to bond with others over quieter things like drawing or reading - is there any chance she can have her break time inside with others so that she can talk whilst drawing?

i’d also encourage her to do extra curricular activities outside of school so that she can make friends elsewhere. So maybe a gymnastics team etc?

Thanks so much for replying unfortunately no the school won't accommodate that, they all have to go into the yard....she does several extra curricular things but it's slow progress due to shyness and confidence has been knocked so won't initiate chats with others

If it helps, I was like this in early primary. I would walk around the playground holding the teachers hand, scared as anything. Year 5 and 6 I began to make a good friendship group and had lots of fun birthday parties and play dates. The start of secondary was difficult as I was split up from those friends, but around year 9 I made another big friendship group and I ended up quite 'popular' by the end of a levels. She will find her stride, she just needs extra love from you in the meantime, and no pressure to make friends

I'd be extremely unhappy if a school responded as yours have. Not much they can do FFS. That's terrible. Essentially the school should be helping your DD to make friendships. If she struggles with peer relationships they should be instigating things like a club at lunch times where like minded children are invited (those who also struggle with making friends). Not just abandoning her to the playground and sitting her next to the disruptive kids in the classroom as a behaviour barrier (this is also unacceptable by the way).

I'd be back at the school with a strongly worded email how they are failing your child and should be supporting her and others like her (she won't be the only one). I'm a primary teacher in my previous working life.

I’m so sad to read this OP, nothing is more upsetting than knowing your lovely child is feeling excluded. Keep talking to her about it, speak to the school again x

I think you could definitely ask for something to be provided at lunchtime or a buddy scheme. My friend is a primary TA and runs a little club at lunchtime for children who have social difficulties, they do crafts etc.

My DS didn’t settle well at secondary and they buddied him with some older children who made sure he wasn’t alone or bullied.

It may be difficult for them to staff a club, but it doesn’t mean that doing nothing is acceptable.

Thank you all....she was in two of the cliques until 2 terms ago....then excluded. My guess from what I heard from her is that she got too friendly with one of the girls that the 'boss of the class ' wanted to herself ...this is the way she describes it 'bosses of the class' etc. Although quiet and slow to warm up she was always good at making friends since toddler years. We have made a huge effort over the years with playdates carpooling etc.
No lunch clubs no buddy systems or buddy benches. The school wont do those type of things. The headmistress refused to acknowledge this is exclusion or bullying. In fact she said there has never been bullying in her school. She did some talks with the girls about not leaving others out but in the course of one of the talks mentioned she was frustrated by getting phone calls from mothers (ie me) about my daughter and the clique leader...so they all heard. No discretion.

our primary school had a buddy bench - brightly painted and if someone didnt have anyone to play with and wanted to play they could sit on the bench and others were encouraged to go and include them in their games.

is it feasible for you to change schools? Your daughter deserves better (than the useless school staff, not you youre clearly doing your best). An awful experience for her.

@Mumof3onetwothree I honestly think I would consider moving schools in light of your latest update, certainly I think you need to make a formal complaint about the breach of confidentiality by the head.

What is going on is definitely bullying and saying there is no bullying and doing nothing is not good enough.

When my dds were at primary they ran friendship and confidence groups. Surely there are others, even in different years that are alone / shy / have additional needs. The school should encourage those friendships.

I don't mean all kids with additional needs are shy or lonely btw

That’s awful- I have to say I’d consider moving schools which such a horrible attitude. Most schools I know have a buddy bench, ours does and would certainly look to help such an issue.

Jesus Christ. Well at least now you know why she's refusing to acknowledge it - she was one of those girls and never grew out of it!

Instead of dealing with the issue, she's moaning publicly about having to deal with it. Absolutely shocking.

With the appalling way the head teacher has responded I would remove DC as soon as possible. Plus complain.

My DC’s old school had a buddy bench and staff would always try and make sure no one was left out. It sounds like your DC’s school don’t really want to help? I would be tempted to move her to another school.
My dd struggled a lot through primary and high school (she has Aspergers) but schools always had things in place to try and help her, wether it was the buddy bench or a classroom available for those who struggle in the playground (this was at high school). My dd is now 19 and at uni, she now has lots of friends.

I've been there it is a physical pain to hear this from your child. It will most definitely pass, kids especially girls at this age are brutal but also it changes on a daily basis. She will once again end up in a clique. This carries on and on all through primary and secondary. Stay strong and just listen to her x

Based on your update I would be looking at moving schools if possible.

It's definitely bullying by exclusion, you could read and quote their bullying policy back to them. But the head sounds like she will dog her feet in.