Shy 3yo starting nursery

[Inyourwildestdreams]

Hoping for some general advise and your experiences please 🤞🏼

Just turned 3yo DS starts nursery at the end of this month. I’m not usually an anxious person at all but I feel physically sick at the thought of him starting 😔 I’m running on about 1.5 hours sleep a night since new year because it’s all I can think about.

I work PT and he’s been looked after by a couple of different family members while I work since he was 11m. It was horrendous at the start. He’d cry so hard when I left the house for work that some days took an hour to calm down 😔 I felt horrendously guilty but had to work 😔

We don’t have any friends with kids so the only interaction he gets with other kids is at baby groups/park/soft play etc which we try to do at least twice a week around working. There are no other kids at all in mine or DHs family. He’s always been very shy around other children. Will play at toddler groups etc but only if we’re playing with him. If we were to sit down at the side he’d just want to sit on our knee and cuddle. Same with soft play - he’d always want us in with him. In the last few weeks he’s started “interacting” with other kids at soft play (ie. He’ll follow them and wait for them etc to go to the slide and stuff together but he isn’t chatty. He’ll allow us to sit at a table now while he plays) so we’ve tried to jump on this and give him as much time there as we can.

Im dreading the settling in period at nursery 😔 The thought of him being scared and upset makes me feel sick. I absolutely know that it’ll be the best thing for him socially. He’s advanced with speech and language and never stops chatting and talking but as soon as he’s put in a social situation he just doesn’t speak. The thought of him being there and being silent all day and probably just hovering around himself while other kids play together is awful 😔

Does anyone have experience of settling in a shy child? Is there anything I can do to make things a bit easier for him?

My 3yo daughter was the same, so shy and very emotional. I was also awake each night dreading the day she started school nursery.
My daughter went to private nursery before this and cried every time I dropped her off so I had no hope.
I tried to talk to her each day before her starting and told her she was a big girl now, she is starting big school, it will be fun etc new teacher, new friends and lots of fun toys etc.
First day she cried her eyes out. It was awful leaving her but the teacher soon distracted her and off she was playing with all of these fun toys and doing lots of new activities.
Teacher offered a phone call daily to reassure me and updated me on pick up.
After the first day she shocked me, said she loved school nursery and was excited to go back. Believe me when I say she used to scream the car down when we even approached her old private nursery but I think talking to her and bigging it up beforehand made a huge difference, she has honestly really suprised me.
It really is a nerve racking time but you never know he might suprise you and there are always options if it doesn't go to plan straight away xxx

My daughter rarely speaks in social situations too, it takes her a good hour to get used to everyone around her, even her cousins she sees weekly! But she has made me proud and has started to name her friends when talking about her day! This is after 6 weeks

@AlviesMam Thank you!! I’m glad your little one settled. I’m really hoping DS is the same and loves it but I’m not optimistic. I’ve been talking to him about it lots and talking to him about all the fun activities etc and really focusing on the things he loves to do.

What do you mean when you say “there are always options if it doesn’t go to plan straight away”? I’m struggling to see any just now 🥲

So if he is not settling options can be lowering the hours in the day, maybe doing some settling in sessions where you stay then leave the room and then leave gradually each time.
I'm sure the teachers will have advice too and he won't be the first child to get upset
I emailed the nursery beforehand giving them a heads up which settled my mind too so they were aware she was very shy, timid and emotional!
When does he start? Xx

Nursery will have seen it all! Especially the first kids to start post pandemic- many of them were so under-socialised and barely saw faces outside of their family unit because of all the masks. Have nursery told you about their settling procedures? Also, if it’s not too late I would choose half days 4-5 days a week over 2-3 full days. Going more frequently can actually help, since it quickly becomes the normal routine, and with short days he knows that you’re coming back soon.

@AlviesMam I have a week or so to go before he starts 😬 Unfortunately, lowering the hours in the day isn’t an option for us as he’ll be at nursery while I work. DH works abroad so isn’t here to help. I have the first 3 weeks taken as annual leave so that I’m available for the “settling in sessions” but beyond that I have no option other than to be at work.
The plan was always to do half days at nursery and the family member that had done childcare for us was going to do the other half of the day while I work but due to their own circumstances we no longer have the family help that we did have during the week. I’ve managed to switch work to 2 weekdays and 1 weekend day as we have family help available at the weekend. So he’s on a 2.5 day pattern.

@InTheRainOnATrain Thank you. Yes, you’re right. I know they’ll have seen all sorts. I’m just finding it more of a struggle the closer it gets. Settling in is very much taken at the child’s pace. Starts with me being there then gradually leaving for longer. Short days aren’t an option due to work unfortunately but nursery have said that during the settling in period, depending on numbers they can have him in for shorter sessions over 5 days to help him get more comfortable (hopefully!). I’ve managed to arrange 3 weeks annual leave for when he starts to hopefully accommodate this 🤞🏼 after that though I have no help and need him to be in nursery on my work days 8.30-5.30

nursery have said that during the settling in period, depending on numbers they can have him in for shorter sessions over 5 days to help him get more comfortable
Nursery sounds really good if they’re willing to be flexible to ensure he settles.

My daughter started nursery at 10 months without a problem at this time I couldn't walk to put something in the bin without her crying for me

We had 11 weeks without full time childcare just before her turned 2 we had the odd session with a pay by the hour place and she was pulled from my arms every time. She started a new nursery at 2 and needed 6 setting in sessions. The first 2 she didn't move from my knee but slowly I could leave her for 5 minutes and by the last one she did most of the hour by her self. 3 of these sessions were the week before she started. The first month she was pulled from my arms every morning but the she stopped and runs in now. I did kisses when I got her out of the door and inside it was a dump and run job. Her first week there I was a home as we had just moved house and had stuff to do so she did a short day for the first day then a slight longer day. Knowing I could drop what I was doing and get her if needed settled my nerves about leaving her upset. I stayed in the car park for 20 minutes and then phoned to see if she had settled on the first day and she had.

3 weeks annual leave will be a big help I think for him to settle , let us know how it goes :) xx

I feel for you, it's hard. But try not to worry! It will be fine, in fact it will be really good in loads of ways you maybe can't see yet.

Advice for you: give yourself a hug and remember he's not just 'losing' your company when he goes into nursery, he's gaining a whole lot too. New key workers who will become trusted people in his life. New toys and activities he wouldn't have at home. And over time, new little friends. Lots of upsides!

Advice for him:

• keep the goodbyes short and breezy, don't drag it out. If he sees your upset he'll naturally feel worried too
• talk about his key worker together, use their name, support it as a new friendship he's building
• talk about his day - with mine we used to go over our 'busy day' at bedtime and it's a nice way to bring nursery home and not make it feel as separate

Good luck! There will be wobbles to start with but he'll fly, wait and see

@InTheRainOnATrain They really are a great nursery - best in the area by far! (from what I’ve heard anyway!)
Hoping it’ll all be fine in the end. Probably more of a worry for me than him 🥲

@Superscientist Thank you! Glad your daughter settled 😊

@tinymeteor Thank you. I know it will benefit him in so many ways. I see even how his confidence has grown that little bit over the last couple of months around kids at soft play and I know he’ll come on leaps and bounds at nursery once he feels comfortable 🤞🏼😊
Its probably much more of a worry for me than him.

We have visited the nursery together a couple of times and have met his key worker so I’ve been focusing lots on that and all the fun things that we seen the kids doing etc. His key worker is really lovely too.

It’s just the thought of him crying for me and thinking I’m not coming that makes me feel ill 😔

Hi OP, I am in the same scenario as you, but my v shy 3 yo is starting this week! How did things go for you in the end please?

@ThisOpalExpert Honestly, we had a bit of a rough ride at the start. He lulled me in to a false sense of security by going in happy for 3 days and having a perfect first week then I think reality hit in week 2 and he was distraught at drop offs 😓 There were days where it was taking me an hour to manage to get out the door (or to even get him in the nursery door in the first place). I’d say after 4 weeks he was doing better then after 6/7 weeks he wasn’t even looking back as he walked in the door. We had about 3.5ish months of no issues at all,
We’ve hit another hurdle at the moment at the start of the summer holidays as there were staff leaving and children leaving to start primary 1 then the summer was much quieter so he has definitely struggled with the change in routine. Back to crying at drop off etc but I’m hoping now that the nursery is back to normal term time routine he’ll go back to how he was soon 🤞🏼

Do you work? Are you able to arrange time off for settling in etc? That would be my main advice if you’re able to do it. That made a massive difference meaning that I could be there as long as it took and wasn’t having to worry about work etc. It’s hard, I can’t lie. And there were a lot of tears for both of us but he’s come on leaps and bounds since he started and I’m so glad I persevered at the start when it was tough.

And be consistent. Even if it’s tough and your child is upset etc. There’s a child in DSs nursery who is currently 2 weeks into her 4th attempt at starting nursery (she’s now almost 4.5). Her mum attempted it twice at one nursery and gave up after 2 weeks each time as she didn’t see the point in her DD being upset when she was a SAHM. This is now her 2nd attempt at this nursery, again after giving up the first time after 2 weeks. She takes her home each day after 5-10 mins of crying. So she’s never having the chance to actually try and settle. Personally I think constantly taking her home and giving up is making it harder on the child but I completely get that everyone has their limits etc.

Hope your LO settles quickly 🤞🏼😊 they might just surprise you and take it all in their stride!

Oh thanks so much for replying.

Yes, I quit work in May, so should be able to go in and take my time settling him in. We had a terrible first “stay and play” session yesterday where I couldn’t even put him down, he started sobbing and asking to go home after 10 mins…and of course all the other three year olds were just happily bundling about in there. I love my little guy and would never want to change him, but it’s hard work parenting these sensitive (yet very determined) little souls sometimes!!!!

I’m so glad you feel that persevering was worth it, that gives me lots of hope :0) I am looking forward to his social skills developing, but I know that will only work if he goes to nursery.

@ThisOpalExpert He’ll do great, I’m sure of it. Just give it time 😊

Are the nursery being good when he’s upset? We went with a really gradual approach with DS over the first month. Some days it’d just be an hour, then a couple of hours. Some days I’d sit along the corridor in the parent room until I knew he was settled then I’d leave for a couple of hours. Mine definitely struggled with the separation from me the most so we aimed to do that as much as possible just to get him used to it. He was meant to be in 2.5 days but some weeks they split it into 5 smaller sessions just to have more drop off times to work on it.

Does your DS have a special toy/teddy he could take in that might make him more comfortable? Mine hated the idea of that incase his things got lost but I know it works well with some other children.

Do they have an app or anything that they update you on? Ours does and I found it nice sending in some photos of what DS had been upto over the weekend or whatever and then it meant if he was upset they could get the photos on the iPad and he would happily chat to them about what he’d been doing etc.

I know how lonely it can feel when everyone else’s kids seem to be taking it in their stride so please feel free to message or whatever if you need a chat 😊

That is really kind of you and I might well take you up on it!

We have only done one session so far, but the staff were lovely about him sobbing, bless him. I didn’t even try to leave, it was just the staff talking to him that put the fear of god into him, poor wee thing (he is speech delayed).

We have our next session on Friday, I’m hoping that will go better. He will be doing five mornings once we get going, so only there three hours per day.