How do you deal with parenting differences?

[NoMoreJack]

Irrespective of who is right or wrong how do you tell your partner when you don't like how they approach something or how they deal with something regarding your kids? Or when you think it's better if they changed something? How do you tell someone without making them feel like you are criticising their parenting skills or you are calling them a shit parent?

At what point do you say anything at all?

Amd when do you say it?

Not talking about abuse or neglect but genuine parenting differences where no parent is 100% wrong but you think your way is better is better for the kids and you think you have got good concrete reasons to believe that. Or where you think thst your partner might be inadvertently doing something that isn't great for the kids. (For example, maybe one of you always affectionately calls their kids fatty as nick name without realising it might be hurtful, or you think your partner is too strict or too lenient about something, etc)

I think just discuss it really, as long as you can both say "I think this and you think that" without being triggered then it will go well.
If either of you are triggered by the conversation then it gets more tricky. You have to discuss your parenting values with each other first, which is more listening than talking. So you can understand each other.
And depending on the age of your children you can include them in conversations eg how do they feel when this happens and how would they deal with the situation.

A lot of discussions are actually one parent trying to tell the other they are doing it wrong, which is not something you can somehow phrase correctly to get the other parent to snap to your view point.

Good luck!

I think your last paragraph has hit the nail on its head. This is why it's so tricky to talk about these things. The problem is I think that the only time when you would say something is when you do think that your way is better. If it doesn't make a difference either way I'm happy to let it slide but when I do think thsg it's inadvertently in some way damaging to the kids I want to be able to say it, to talk about it, obviously with the hope of him changing his behaviour but I'm also open to just discussing it and learning thst he does have a good reason for it and thst would be fine with me too. I also wouldn't mind if he told me if there was something I could or should improve. I feel when it comes to parenting we need to be able to leave our egos aside and just do what's best for the kids. Anyway, that's just me ranting. I know I probably sound very unpleasant and annoying but I feel so guilty sometimes when I don't say anything out of fear tjst I will offend.

Let me guess - your DP is an angry, shouty and harsh parent who thinks you're too soft on your DC?

And if yes, then what? I mean what is your advice? Or your point?

I think you need to set out what the differences are. For example I believe shouting can be abusive kids are entitled to grow up without being constantly yelled at.

This appears to shock some of my colleagues when I say I wasn't shouted at and hate shouting. My parents form of punishment was removal of rewards and was consistent.

This isn’t just about a difference in approach. This is about your partner being controlling, and you trying to appease him. That behaviour will impact your DC over and above how he is with them, and it’s unlikely to improve.

Please have a look at the Freedom Programme.

My dad was a shouty harsh parent. It had a phenomenal impact on my life and means I have an insecure attachment style. I've never allowed shouting rows in the house. STBXH knew this and I would have forced it to diffuse by walking out or disengaging if I had to (I have a DD).

I'm single now and if I ever meet anyone they'll not be in my life long if they have different parenting values to me. It's won't be worth it. That's not why STBXH and I split but it's very important to me having had a tough childhood. I'm not sure how effectively or fairly ether of you can parent if you have such different approaches. If you think it badly affects the children you've got to leave or make them leave, otherwise by staying in the relationship you are saying it's OK to your children.

He is quicker to anger than me and he is harsher but that is because I rarely get angry with the kids and i try very hard not to be harsh. He doesn't shout often, never for long and he isn't abusive. That isn't what I'm asking about. For example, if the kids spill something he might make a face and shout 'oh no' or 'be careful' whereas I'd just ask them to mop it up.

Anyway can I ask for advice please how you deal with parenting differences where it is not obvious that one parent is totally wrong or abusive. How do you approach such a conversation?

I have had this.

We actually organised a time to sit down and discuss things.

We talked through what the difficult behaviours were of the children. Then I asked that we could agree a united front on what we were going to do. We then talked through several options.

Essentially I treated it like a work meeting, and we had an agenda and we agreed to try an approach and review it in a week.

We did review it in a week and we changed some aspects of it (this isn't working, this is, let's change it).

Took emotion out of it.

The only thing you can do OP is talk it through together away from the DCs and not at a time when either of you are heightened. Don’t start a conversation when something has happened that you disagree with. Wait til you are calm.
The very important thing in all of this is that you do agree in front of your DCs (I’m not saying you don’t already) They need to get the same message from both parents.

He is abusive, intentionally or otherwise, there might well be reasons why. Regardless it’s impacting on you all, and you have said you are already modifying your behaviour to accommodate his. Do look at the Freedom Programme online, even if you’re sure I am wrong.