Dp and mil driving me crazy

[Increfiblyfedup]

This is gonna be a long one!
I have a son 19 months old since the start mil has been over controlling and hard work. She refused to come visit ds for about 3 months when he turned 2 months old only wanted him up to babysit him not having me around, wanted him every Saturday night and two afternoons a week. Didn’t know how to care for him when he was there he never got naps, fed properly and came home sitting in dirty nappies so long they were dried into his skin. She refused to go along with the style of parenting we wanted and continued to think she knew best. Dp saw nothing wrong with this as she was just excited it was her first grandchild. Eventually me and her fell out as I couldn’t take it building up anymore, I wanted to have an adult conversation with her to explain the problems as she might not have been aware she was overstepping boundaries but all she did was turn aggressive, saying she hated me and throwing any insult she could think of. Dp then took her side as he didn’t actually see this conversation and she turned on waterworks. There’s a lot more to it than this but these are the main points. Me and dp have started doing parenting classes after a break up with the aim being getting him on the same page and able to stand up to his family when it comes to ds best interests and the girl taking the class has explained to him multiple times that everything I’ve wanted his parents to do is perfectly reasonable and he needs to be taking my side and standing as a team. We had an argument over the weekend and he threw it all back at me again how I’m the problem. I’ve caused everyone to fall out (me and his family are no contact at the minute) he still doesn’t see how his family are toxic even though he’s been told this by a professional. Basically what I’m asking is there anyway I can get this through to him or is it a lost cause. If he cannot take my side there’s no hope of us being able to make it work but I hate the thought of us breaking up purely because of his mother and me having to miss out on half of my sons life basically when this is our only issue is his family

It's such a big issue that I don't think you will be able to get past it given the choices he's making.

I just hate it cause apart from her we have a great relationship and even hearing it from a third party he still can’t understand the issues she’s causing. She’s just a horrible manipulative woman and even the girl taking the class said he’d be better to go no contact with them for a while to get them in line and that hasn’t sank in. He feels just cause it’s his mother all behaviour can be excused and she can say what she likes. If I say anything bad about her I’m the worst in the world whereas she can say what she likes cause he’s sure she doesn’t mean it. There’s just no winning

Your child.. why would you just let her have him sleeping over every sat.. then being with her twice a week.. he's only 18 months..
She should also respect your wishes of how you want him to be brought up.
Your husband should be supporting you.. the Mother of his child.. seems likes he not broken the umbilical cord to his own Mother.

This isn’t even now it’s when he was two months old! And he saw no problem with this at all thought it was completely normal! He absolutely hasn’t, she turns on the waterworks and the guilt trips and ends up getting her own way, she seems to have done this her whole life until I put my foot down now I’m the worst person

Remember that you are your DC’s advocate now and if you are not happy that they are being well cared for by your MIL then you are perfectly reasonable to stop contact until changes are made.

I’m usually all for facilitating a relationship with grandparents but your MIL sounds particularly difficult to deal with. Your DP should be supporting you and if he’s not, then he doesn’t have your DC’s best interests either. I would be firm with your DP and tell him you expect him to support you, protect your DC and to speak to his mum. If not, he can leave (and really mean it)

@Nosleepforthismum how would I do this, the last time we split his parents were over the moon as this meant he has to move back in with them so any contact he gets they essentially get and he takes no control during this time. His mother views this as a win in her twisted head for some reason

Sounds like it’s a tricky situation you’re in, but ultimately if your DP isn’t going to listen and follow your reasonable parenting wishes then it’s not going to work out. It’s a pretty big non-negotiable aspect of a relationship.
My only advice is that maybe with some space he might realise what’s going on and then what he might loose… MIL sounds like a crank best to cut contact with her and make your DP aware that you don’t wish to speak with her for now as your not going to tolerate being abused for setting boundaries.. and maybe if your relationship is going to continue then your happy for your MIL to see DS but it’d be with you around and not having these extended periods of care from her (or lack of from sounds of it)!