Routine for baby

[Grantown24]

I’m currently pregnant with my first and I’m thinking to the future and starting to think about routines. When my sisters had their babies (now 22 months and 16 months) they implemented very strict routines. This clearly works well for them and they have toddlers who generally sleep 12 hours each night.

Being childless ant the time and an outsider looking in, I often thought their routines are too rigid but of course have never told them this as it is just my opinion. For example, not allowing them to nap in their pram when out for a walk as it was 15 minutes before their set nap time which they must be in their crib with the blackout blind and noise machine on. They often missed out on family events as they didn’t tie in with their babies nap times, they would never have the babies out past 6pm etc.

I personally don’t want to be a slave to my DD’s routine. I don’t want to be missing out on a family gathering for example because it’s at 1pm and doesn’t tie in with nap time, or I’d like to go on holiday in the future and not be restricted to a 7pm bed time etc. Is this naive of me?

Whilst their routines clearly do work for them, is it worth being so restricted? I’m not really sure what I’m asking but I’d be interested to know if anyone didn’t follow a strict routine? Or how you even go about considering a routine?! Thanks

Baby led tends to be more popular now so plenty of people don't follow strict routines, especially when they are babies.

I'm the same as your sisters and a strict routine has worked really well for DS who is 13 months.

Keep in mind that it will depend on the baby too, DS responded really well to a strict routine and missing a nap would be a nightmare and ruin any family gathering anyway. Some babies are more adaptable, mine never has been.

Thanks @SouthLondonMum22 . Totally get that the routine makes everyone’s lives easier so better to sacrifice family gatherings etc than your sanity. Having babysat both for long weekends, I definitely see how well they thrive on the routine.

I suppose we will just need to wait and see what our baby is like and take it from there

Okay going to start with saying we didn't get into a "proper" routine until around 6-7 months.

I was fairly strict with nap times and awake periods initially - we had some pretty severe sleep issues, and once they got resolved he's been a fantastic sleeper. So at the start I worked hard to put the routine in place, and we do stick to it for the most part. But now that it's established we have the flexibility of deviating every now and again. And the older they get the easier it is to be flexible, because their tolerance for longer awake periods becomes greater.

To be honest, if baby was in the pram 15 min before nap time, I probably would have let them have a pram nap. IMO what's important is sleep, not sleep in bed with all the "proper" sleep associations. Now if she was in early sleep training days when she's trying to establish those associations that's another matter, but I feel this strictness is a bit over the top.

So in summary, I'm a fan of sleep schedules. And there are some times when you just can't make family gatherings because of your baby. But, as you say, you don't have to be a slave to the routine. As you get to know your baby you'll figure out ways to work around your routine when necessary, and that gives you a bit more freedom.

I think it’s all theory until you meet your actual baby and, in a way, yourself as a mum. I had all sorts of ideas of going on long beach walks and hikes with my newborn and the dog, but my baby absolutely hated the pram and the inward facing sling for the first few months, relentless crying - and I tried for weeks, so I just dropped that and was pretty much stuck at home until my DH got home and I could go out for a walk without screaming. I was imagining taking her for swim lessons but that proved so much fuff, not worth it for me. Etc etc

I do follow a routine - my baby is a terrible sleeper and does even worse if she can’t get proper naps. We’ve been to weddings, family gatherings, holidays including staying with my family abroad for a month etc but it’s done with some good planning and trying to keep the routine as much as possible, saving my sanity.

Some of my friends are a lot more relaxed because their baby is just an easier on-the-go sleeper or needs fewer naps, or it just suits them better - you won’t know which one you are until you meet your baby!

As PP say, you need to meet and see what your baby is like before you can make your mind up. Completely depends on the babies sleep needs and personality on how ridgid you need to be with naps.

I have never imposed bed or nap times on my LO, but let me tell you if it's, 1pm and they need a nap, then I will be missing whatever it was I was going to at that time, if not I will have an upset over tired crying baby with me, there's not forcing a nap when they aren't tired enough for one. And I agree, it would be nice to stay up past 7pm on holiday but it is not nice to listen to a crying baby who then fights there sleep all night because they were over tired when they went to bed. Contrary to how this sounds I have a very low needs baby who is very chill and happy little bean ☺️ I worked hard to get us to where we can nap on the go, as I did want some flexibility in life and it worked well. To do this you need to stay away from the pitch black cot naps with sound machines! But all good things must come to an end and this is a challenge when they get older and more nosey.

So I will say it, I think you are being a bit naive ( I know I absolutely 100% was) in thinking your baby will go with your flow. I also scoffed a little bit at people who were slaves to sleep, but just look at me now 😂 They are a little human with there own personality and needs and for the time being, you have to make some social sacrifices to keep them happy ☺️

Thanks so much for your replies! @YetiSeven i fully appreciate how naive I am and I’m sure I will look back in months to come and laugh at my naivety.

I’d definitely like to be in a position where DD can nap on the go, rather than having the pitch black, sound machine on etc. Ultimately though I know that we will end up doing whatever it takes for everyone to get a good sleep 😂

Just see how it goes! We've always had strict routines but when there's a family event have allowed them a later nap so they can stay up later etc. mine have always been good sleepers at night which is our priority but you can find a happy medium as we've done. I think, for us, it's rare that we need to have the baby out late so having a routine that ensures they're in bed by 7 works better for us 99% of the time. I'd rather have that than a Willy nilly approach for the odd time we do go out x

I think a routine is very important but not a super rigid one where everyone has a meltdown if they go down for their nap at 1.15 instead of 1pm. Also nap timings and number of naps change frequently in the first couple of years (sometimes on a monthly basis!) so you do need to be a little flexible. I was lucky that mine loved a good pram or car nap so could be out and about a lot for nap times and not be too restricted. Once she dropped to 1 nap a day I did prefer to be at home though as the naps were usually 2-3 hours so it was nice to get stuff done at home while she slept!

Possibly more important than their sleep timings are the other routines leading up to sleep, especially the evening routine. Eg for my 2.5 year old we do dinner, bathtime, milk, teeth, stories then bed and we've not really deviated much from this since she started eating solids. So she always knows what is coming next and when it's time to go upstairs she will automatically lay her head on my/DH shoulder and let us carry her up without a fuss and you can just see that 'sleepy time' kick in.

No point implementing much of a routine within the first 3 months though, just enjoy the cuddles, naps and feeds as they come.

Also best bit of 'advice' I've read that sticks in my head is that babies/young kids aren't robots, they are humans. Sounds obvious but as adults we can't always fall asleep at 10.30pm on the dot, it could be 10.15 or 10.45. So why should we expect babies to fall asleep at the exact same time every day? I use this same mentality for dealing with toddler frustrations too, within reason. Eg if I was in the middle of something and someone forced me to go and eat dinner at that very moment I would be enraged. So I let my toddler know it's ready and give her a couple of minutes to finish whatever she's doing. Usually works like a dream.

No routine for either of mine. DH and I aren't great with routine ourselves.
DD struggled with a routine so we went with the flow.she's 2.5 now and we still follow her lead on when she's tired and hungry etc.
DS is 12 months now and I follow his tired cues.

Both kids will nap in the car, pram, carrier wherever really.

Tbh, I had/have children that never napped in cots and I wasn't interested in wasting hours trying to force them when they wanted to be close to me.

Being more relaxed has been better for us though because we were a bit more free to be out and about and not really worry.

Read Bringing Up Baby by Daisy Goodwin, it's not a parenting book more a look at parenting trends and the socio-political atmosphere that lead to those trends.

Strict routines came along from Gina Ford and is linked/appeal to working families where both parents work outside the house, particularly in the US where maternity leave is fairly non existent so childcare is used from a very young age.

Personally I feel we are all stil animals and prefer to parent instinctively meeting my daughters needs at the time and being flexible to meet her and my needs.

I had virtually no routine mealtimes, nap times, bath times, bed times were all approximate. Worked fine. He slept well. And he always slept in if out late etc etc.

My friend who had a strict routine found her DS had total meltdowns if he went 15 mins past his "lunchtime".

I think babies and children are as adaptable and you let them be. Having strict nap times and ways of them sleeping is making a massive rod for your own back tbh. Not sure why anyone would want to live like that. Sounds hideous always having to be home for naps, not bring out past 7 and missing out on time with family and friends.

My first baby is 31 today and we never had a routine , mine generally slept in the car when we were out and about . The first slept through the night very quickly , the second is 24 and still can’t sleep all night !

As a first time mum I had all these ideas before birth but once DD was here the reality hit me and I had to learn as I went along. I liked having structure in our days and have a routine however they were there to help us, not to prevent us from living. DD would nap in her pram or car seat if we were on route or on my arms if at somebody's house. The only thing I liked to stick to was to be home before bedtime in the evening.

Because some babies/toddlers really need routines.

Not all simply sleep in if they are out late, mine screamed because he was overtired and then would wake up grumpy and screamy (and at the normal time) the next day because he didn't get enough sleep.

So he isn't out past 7 because it isn't worth it. He needs his sleep.

@SouthLondonMum22 He slept in because I was flexible with his routine. Going by what I saw with mine and lots of other parents over the years. The more strict you are with their routine, the more they need a routine.

Or parents with babies who need more of a strict routine are likely to have more of a strict routine.

Babies are different so will need different approaches.

I had a strict routine and have a toddler who sleeps 12 hours. Will be doing the same with my daughter

As others have said, every baby and every mother is different and you will just need to work out what works best for you both. We were v flexible about a routine, but I think that came from DS being a great sleeper at night (slept through from just under 4 months, now 15 months and still a fab sleeper unless he's ill or teething). He has never been great at day naps, but our HV told us not to worry about it too much as he was sleeping so well at night, so we really relaxed and just let him sleep when (and how) he wanted to in the day. My friends with more strict routines are generally those who have worse night sleepers as they will try anything and everything to improve it, and that normal involves stricter routines. We do have a bedtime routine (bath, book, bottle, teeth, cuddles etc) and have a general time period we'll take him up, but we really take our cues from him - he makes it well known when he gets tired! 😂 It might take a little while but you will figure out what works best for you but you will get there.

As a mother and a childcare provider i absolutely love routines. They don’t have to be rigid time wise, but generally things happen in some order.

My last infant/toddler probably cried 5 times in 2.5 years and that was either unwell or actually hurt himself. He ate great and slept great.

The one before him was the same, in fact after his lunch, he’d get his “lovey” and go stand by the bedroom door for his nap.

After 15 toddlers, I’d say they thrived on routine.

I thought I'd be flexible and didn't need a routine but once DS arrived (now 18mo) I realised I did have to create some gentle persuasion to nap. By which I mean at 4 weeks old he cried relentlessly and I thought it was hunger so fed him. But in fact in was tiredness and he did not just drop off in my arms or the sling like I'd been led to believe would happen. 'If he's tired he'll sleep', apparently. The difference when I placed him in the crib in a quiet dark room was astonishing, he literally just went to sleep and he was transformed into a happy alert baby when awake. So yes, I would come home from wherever so he could nap because I wanted a happy baby and an easy life! But it was still very flexible with timing and based on his sleep cues.

Roll on 7 months, everything changed, he stopped sleeping at night or in the cot in the day. In my desperation to get some night sleep for all of us, I got strict with sleep schedules. The sleep deprivation was so horrendous I was prepared to do anything. I walked for miles and miles to make him nap, because if I stopped he woke and if he woke too early he'd be awake at night, for hours. So though I disliked having to be so routine focussed, it was the only way I could function.

I think you're very sensible to appreciate that it depends on your baby. Friends have laughed at me for being so routine based even now- but they're not the ones who have to cope with hours awake at night and I am someone who struggles on little sleep. You do what you have to do to make it through, tbh.

I'm a person who loves routines and so tried to get into a good one with DS who is now 3. He had no interest in my routines and often stayed awake for about 4 hours at a time as a young baby. So also no interest in any of the wake window stuff. We sleep trained when he was 6 months old and it wasn't a linear path, but he falls asleep on his own now and generally sleeps well. We let him get in bed with us if he wakes and wants to (c. once a week). He doesn't nap but will have the odd buggy or bed nap at the weekend if he's been up a bit late. We no longer decline (early) evening plans but did when he was younger. We were a slave to routine for a bit (I would say 14 months to just over 2) when he went down to 1 nap and had a big long cot/bed nap at home in middle of day. He would do this nap in buggy but it was a bit exhausting as you had to keep walking. I actually really enjoyed the restriction most of the time as it meant I had two hours at home to myself to do whatever.

Now I have a 5 month old too. He's breastfed and feeds roughly every 2-3 hours in the day but it's not completely consistent. He usually has 3 naps but not always the same time. Zero of these naps are in a dark room with white noise. He feeds to sleep and contact naps or naps in buggy or carrier. He roughly feeds to sleep at the same time every night but doesn't wake up at the same time each morning. I accept that the way he naps means we will probably have to do sleep training again to get him to learn to fall asleep on his own and I'm fine with this. I think he will probably fall into more of a nap schedule when we are weaning as I'll offer meals at roughly the same time each day and naps fit with that. And breastfeeding will become less frequent.

My advice would be just to wait for your baby and see what makes them and you happy. If it's not the same thing go for a balance. It might be worth trying to spend time with someone who is more "go with the flow" with small children if your expeei so far is the routine driven sort just so you can see what they look like in practice. Neither is right or wrong.

For example, not allowing them to nap in their pram when out for a walk as it was 15 minutes before their set nap time which they must be in their crib with the blackout blind and noise machine on. They often missed out on family events as they didn’t tie in with their babies nap times, they would never have the babies out past 6pm etc

Just to comment on this - I get it. I would take DS2 out in the evening because he just breastfeeds, stick him in buggy in a restaurant and he'll sleep etc. with DS1 he would have just literally screamed when overtired and we never took him out in the evening. Ditto with the napping in pram. Itd be fine with my current one as id just keep walking or leave him in hallway and he'd stay asleep. With DS1 or would have meant he napped for 10 minutes then woke up howling. Horses for courses. Some babies cry a LOT more than others when tired and it's often not worth inflicting this on yourself!

I didn't really follow a set routine with ds (now 13mths). I really just followed his lead and tried to really get to know him and what his cues were and what he liked and found soothing and what he didn't. Every baby is different and so is every family dynamic so while what your sisters did may have worked great for them, you as a parent are allowed to figure out what's right for you and your child.

I was breastfeeding so ds fed on demand. In the early days it was really feed, nappy change, interact while he was awake, sleep just as he needed and it gradually fell into a pattern of wake up, play, nappy, feed, sleep after a few months and I only really started to pay attention to his sleep cues and tried to be more consistent with putting him in the next to me to sleep at nap times when he got to around 4 months because at that point he got so much more interested in everything that he needed more help to fall asleep. Same with feeding I had to find ways to hold his attention so he could focus on feeding. He gradually fell into natural wake windows that fitted his age and he's not a bad sleeper. When he started nursery he slotted into their routine really quickly.

My best advice- don't put yourself under pressure, follow your babies lead, do what works for you, remember that all advice is free and you only need to take the bits that suit you and there's no one size fits all to parenting.

Some people need the structure of a routine to help them through their days, and perhaps some babies do well with that too. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But don't feel you need to do things a certain way because your sisters did it that way. So much of it is trial and error!

I went by my daughters routine. I would monitor her and if she showed signs of being hungry an hour after getting up and sleepy after 3h. The following day I offered her a feed an hour after she woke up and tried a nap after 3h.

Our routine was always based on what we had done and not the time on the clock. So at 5 months we got up I had breakfast, she had a feed we had a cuddle and a play. She had another feed then a short nap. I had lunch then she and another feed and we went out for a 2-3h walk and she had a long sleep. The gap between nap 1 and 2 could only be 60-90 minutes. The woke had a feed, had a play had a late 3rd nap which gave her a 9pm ish bedtime

She was a high needs baby with bad reflux and many allergies the first 5 months were pacing and continuously trying to get her to sleep as it was the only break in the screaming we got! She was in my arms for 23h a day and cried for about 16h it was torture and trying to keep her relatively calm was our mission with didn't have head space for routine but she guided us through once her reflux and allergies were treated!