Cry for help

[Longjumpingtwo]

Hi

Dad of 3 here (DD 7yo, DS1 5yo & DS2 18 weeks old)

this is a pretty long post so I apologise in advance but I feel I have no where else to turn anymore.

if I could summarise how life has been for me since our 3rd child arrived I’d probably sum it up to the word horrendous.

shortly after little man came along I began having and still am having issues dealing with stress, anxiety and depression - before he came along this was never a problem, I think it’s triggered a previous bad place we had when DS1 was born (he had a milk intolerance so the first 8 weeks of his life was screaming crying all day all night, after we finally got listened to by the doctor and got moved onto Apatamil Pepti 1 it was as if someone swapped him in the night) as when the baby cries I loose track of everything I’m doing, heart begins to race and all I can think of is to stop the crying I also have this overwhelming guilt when I see it getting to my wife (mom) that it’s my fault and I’m not doing enough but I can’t honestly give anymore.

we both work from home, so I’m around every second of the day but I can’t fully concentrate on work because if I hear him cry I’ll just run to the rescue every time (I’m just making things worse by doing this though and have tried so many times to stop but I just can’t, my brain tells me that if I don’t get involved the baby is going to upset my partner and the day is ruined, nothing will snap me out of this mindset)

DS2 also has a milk allergy, not an intolerance like our first son, he’s currently on SMA Alfamino and has been on this since 8 weeks old ( all symptoms of his milk allergy have gone but he’s still quite an unhappy/fussy baby) he has never napped very well and has always been ok at night sleeping but he’s been poorly since Christmas Eve with a congested nose and chesty cough (so have the rest of the household) so his night sleep is the worst it’s ever been now, can’t sleep without being held and when we managed to get him into his bed it lasts maybe an hour at a push until he’s awake and screaming to be picked up again.)

I’ve been on anti-depressants (50mg setraline) for 5/6 weeks now and have had CBT therapy through my work medical insurance at the priory but none of that has helped, I think the setraline has helped slightly but some days it feels like it’s doing nothing.

i just can’t seem to catch a break at all - it’s relentless dealing with DS2 as he’s never happy or content, if he’s not crying he’s fussing and building up to a cry. I honestly counted down the days until he turned 3 months old thinking it would stop and that it was colic and just ‘newborn’ things but it just feels like it’s gotten worse, it feels like my life has been put on hold for 18 weeks now and there’s no sign of it getting any better.

im not sure if he’s having the 4 month sleep regression or it’s the illness or it’s both. He’s on antibiotics (amoxicillin) so are me and mom, he’s got 2 days left until we’ve finished the course and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, the congested breathing is really bad when he’s drowsy and horrific in the middle of the night, the cough is raspy and you can hear it coming from his chest, exactly the same as what me and mom have got.

i can no longer work in my office at home, I have to be in the living room with my laptop so if the baby kicks off I can step in immediately, this whole situation is suffocating my mental health, my marriage and my desire to do anything at the moment.

we had 3/4 days over Christmas when it was amazing, me and mom was poorly but baby was fine, he’d go in his bouncer and be content, fall asleep by himself with a dummy and blanket but now if we dare put him down when awake it’s like World war 3 has begun

i I know this may sound like a rant but this is my life at the moment on repeat with no let off - I can’t seem to do anything right and the baby is never happy or content and I’m constantly saying ‘it will be better when he’s 3 months’, ‘it will be better when he’s 4 months’ etc but it doesn’t, it just feels like it’s getting harder with no sign of it calming down.

Are you using a thickener with the alfamino? It's a very thin formula and it can causes reflux which might explain some of the continued fussiness.

My daughter screamed continuously until nearly 5 months then was frequently fussy until 8 months. It destroyed my mental health and even though she's 3 now the sound of a crying baby completely sets off my threat system and sends me back to the days of despair.

My partner WFH in the afternoons during this time due to covid. As soon as my daughter accepted walks in the pram at 5 months old I walked for 2h a day just to relieve some of my fear and stress for disturbing my partner whilst he was working. He didn't mind and never complained but never the less I felt responsible for managing her crying and mine.

Are there any local organisations for fathers and allergy families? We have an organisation called dad's matter and a local allergy group. I have heard good things about the dad's group but we didn't go. The allergy group has been so helpful to us and having someone that understands the tole of an allergy baby has made a big difference to us

Yeah we’re using magic mix thickener - a lot of his reflux has pretty much gone now, he had silent reflux really bad when we went into Alfamino.

As soon as I hear his crying it’s like someone is banging pans in my brain, I know it’s a normal human instinct to want to stop the crying (the whole story about the lion might hear and come eat us but the lion is never coming) but this doesn’t feel normal, if im not in the same room I convince myself he is crying and go intervene anyway…

Im really glad to hear you got out of it and I’m sitting here typing this in utter jealously as I’m convinced there’s no end in sight for me :(

It was a rather long journey but we are in a better place. I had severe treatment resistant depression and spent 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit when my daughter was 10 months. It was around the 2 year mark that the depression fully lifted. She is 3.5 now, has 20 food allergies and still has difficult reflux which can wake her 3 or 4 times a nights. She's now under 2 paediatricians for this!

It's good that you are thickening the formula. Has anyone suggested omperazole? My daughter has been on it since 8 weeks but it took a very high dose to have an effect. Her reflux is particularly difficult to treat. The wellbeing of the whole family is important and if a medication can be used to stop the pressure valve it might be worth considering. When we saw the new paediatrician over Christmas she emphasised the needs of the family.

I had a cft course as part of my treatment. It didn't help me but the rest of the group found it very helpful. Our course was based on the compassion focussed therapy for pnd by Michelle Cree book. It discussed how a lot of the early years makes low mood and anxiety more prominent. The soothing drive threat system I found really helpful with respect managing how I felt around infant crying. At the start the crying sent me straight into threat mode but with time I did start to have a bit more balance.

I don’t have any practical advice. I didn’t want to read and leave. From someone who was in a dark place with my first child. Take things one day at a time. It gets better, they will cry less eventually. It feels like it’s a punishing Groundhog Day but one day at a time. Also I know it doesn’t help but if you like tea or coffee get a thermal mug. It sounds stupid but sometimes something as little as going to drink your hot drink after dealing with the baby and it’s stone cold can add insult to injury and it’s another thing you have to sort out.

He sounds exactly like my dd who had an intolerance. The Pepti 1 made so little difference, she was always fussy and clingy and just wanted to be held. We went onto Neocate with a much bigger difference. My dd had horrible reflux, so Neocate, Carobel and Omeprazole was what helped. She finally settled when she started solids. Could it be reflux?

@Kaybee93 @mumsytoon thank you for your replies.

we did start on omezaprole but he turned extremely fussy within 24 hours of having it and got worse, after 3 days we stopped.

his silent reflux doesn’t really happy at all anymore, we used to be able to hear it when he was asleep but now there’s nothing like that going on - he just seems so frustrated all the time, tried teething granules etc to see if that’s what’s causing it but it’s not budging, goes back to groaning and fussing within seconds afterwards, he only truly happy when he’s either asleep or being held

I wonder if you could work on your response to the crying (it’s so fucking hard btw- you have my commiserations):

1. stop working from home or work from somewhere else asap. You need some mental space and also it’s important for mental well-being and finances to be able to focus on work

2. can you take turns as being ‘on’ with the baby and when you aren’t looking after him, wear headphones? Or be in another room and really force yourself to stay away, go for walks with the older children, give your nervous system a break?

3. I remember there is a baby crying support charity Cry-sis. Can you check them out? They might have more specific help.

It should have been explained that you can get an acid battle during the first week of using omperazole. In response to the omperazole lowering the amount of acid the body produces more acid which increases distress. After about a week you then start to see improvements in symptoms.

It might be now that the baseline reflux is managed but teething and colds both make reflux worse as they add more liquid to the stomach so when they are teething and ill the reflux isn't managed for that period. I would dismiss silent reflux because you don't always hear it. We hear our daughter on bad days and some moderately bad days but we still miss lots of it. It might be worth reconsidering the omperazole if you can make it through the acid battle.

Which teething granules did you use? Most can't be used with those with dairy allergies as they contain food grade lactose which is a cross contamination risk for milk proteins.

I think you absolutely have to work somewhere (or somehow) where you can't hear the baby crying, as soon as possible. There's no way I could concentrate on work and ignore the cries of my new born baby no matter how much I knew logically that there was the other parent there to deal with him.

Can you swap back to office working? Would noise cancelling headphones work? Any possibility of a small home office in your garden, if you have one?

The sertraline can take a few weeks to work and if you get to a point thinking you could do with a little more call your Dr and they will up it again. I'm on it and best thing I did so well done for seeking help. I think baby is also learning a cry gets a response every time. Unless you know it's hungry, needs a nappy change or whatever you don't need to respond every time or the behaviour will continue. You sound like a great dad. We had similar milk,stomach issues with our twins who are now 2 and over it. Your both doing well

My ex dh had depression after our children were born. The second child required surgery so like yourself it was a very difficult scary time.

I think others have given good advice but I just said I would recommend something that worked for my ex. Exercise. He factored in 30 minute fast walk or jog before work at lunch and evening, and we both did it.

When it was suggested we laughed as we were struggling to make the loo but when I look back I think that was the catalyst that shifted towards the end of the permanent fear and stress. Wishing you all good health.

Please stick with the Omeprazole. It would take 1-2 weeks to see any difference. I have a baby exactly like this. Reflux is the worst really. The baby is just constantly miserable. My LO did stop the fussiness to an extent but only really stopped very recently. The fussiness, wanting to be held results in very bad sleep habits too. We eventually sleep trained her and she is a different child.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it really helps to see other people listen and try to give advice

Last night we had a discussion and said lets put him to be at 8/9pm depending on when he gets tired and see what happens, the worst he can do is cry...

So we did just that, we bathed him, dried, clothed and fed him then put him to bed at 20:40 (put him in his cot with dummy and little winnie the pooh comforter that he's loved since birth) and within 10 minutes he had fell asleep, by himself.

We had to keep popping over to put the dummy in when he spat it out but eventually fell asleep.

Fast forward 20 minutes he'd woken up because the dummy had fallen out so as you would, went to put it back in but he screamed straight through it, didn't want to be shushed or stroked or anything - i fought every fibre in my being to pick him up and he screamed in total for probably 2/3 minutes? but then stopped, took the dummy and went to sleep.

He then stayed asleep until we dreamfed him at 11:30, then woke up at 6am.

He's also managed today 2 naps that have been over an hour long self settled, we've sat next to him and ensured he's got the dummy/blanket/comforter but no holding what so ever, each time he's had a pretty big cry/screaming session for a minute or so but gave up and then went to sleep.

I think doing this is going to massively help the problem we have with him, alot of it is if the baby cries we stop, drop and pick him up no matter what and it's getting too much.

My partner works for my dad at a family business doing sales administration, during my DS1 first 6/8 months my wife got into a pretty bad state of depression as she was unable to do anything other than stare at the same 4 walls all day, we made the agreement this time round we'd do everything we can to stop that from happening again so she's set up to WFH and has been doing so since DS2 turned 6 weeks old, it's just email answering and phone answering (it's not off the hook 24/7 - probably accounts to 2/3 hours of working in a 9-5 day) but it keeps her sane, i really don't want to turn around and say stop working and just look after the baby because it will send her backwards.

My mindset for everything is completely selfless, if there's something i can do or give or bend or re-arrange i will do it regardless of the cost but it's come this far now and nothings better off for it so i need to start taking back some of my life, letting my partner deal with the baby, leaving the living room and working in my office and trusting i'm not going to walk back into a warzone.

I can get my mind into this confident state of do this, do that etc but as soon as he cries it's back to square 1 and the anxiety kicks back in again :(

I'm terrified to go office working or go to my moms to work incase my partner has a bad day with him and my home becomes a warzone of silent treatment (she's not blaming me or punishing me, she's just drained and worn out from the hard day but i see this and it hurts to see the woman you love be so dragged down) so to ensure this doesn't happen if im there, if i'm doing all the work i know she can't get burned out, i know the day can't go to that point and that's the only comfort i can find at the moment

Little man is really congested today, tomorrow is our final day of antibiotics so will be calling the docs if no better by tuesday night

I've also got a call with my gp to increase my setraline dosage to 100mg to try and tackle that side of things

Well done working so hard to try something new and I’m so glad sleep last night was decent!

It sounds to me like you both want to work and look after the kids but the juggle is unrelenting and isn’t actually working for you both. By both working and both looking after kids you are both run ragged.

What about hiring in some childcare if you can afford it? A mother’s help who could be there with your partner while she works? You could then both have some boundaried work time, away from the stress and crying. Even better would be if you both got some boundaried time to look after yourselves, exercise or time debriefing with friends or family. You don’t have to do it all yourselves.

I did 11 weeks without childcare when our nursery closed and working with my daughter even with family there to do the child care was the worst of all worlds. I can't recommend external childcare enough. You can not switch off properly to get the benefits of working if you are also having to switch back into mum mode at a moments notice. For her she would be better off working 2 mornings a week without the baby than try to work 2-3h a day around the baby

Today is taking its toll, he’s woken up at 7, had a feed and was still tired so slept til 8, woke up and was happy for his first morning awake window, had a nap (30 minutes) then proceeded to scream blue murder for 45 minutes straight, pausing infrequently for 20 seconds then going again until he eventually fell asleep for another 30 minutes, woke up and continued screaming blue murder

hes just had a bottle and has stopped for now but will pick back up again in a few minutes I can already see it…

you can hold him and he’s fine but fussy, but as soon as you put him down or in his bouncer etc the screaming starts and won’t stop until you pick him up again, he’ll scream until choking and cry real tears

really stuck now, he’s 18 weeks old and this honestly feels harder than when he was 6 weeks old, what the hell is happening????

Honestly, it sounds within the bounds of typical baby behaviour. Some really don't like to be put down and want to be held. A sling often works if that's the case. Your baby has reflux, if I recall correctly, so might also have issues when lying flat. Is it any better if they are in a reclined bouncer rather than flat on their back?

Is there any chance you can divide the work/childcare up so that each of you is only doing one thing at a time? And working away from where you can hear/see the children.

That was exactly how my daughter was when her reflux wasn't properly medicated. To make a cup of coffee I was putting her down to fill the kettle. Pick her up get a cup out holding her put her down to spoon the coffee and sugar out pick her up wait for the kettle to boil put her down pour the water pick her up get the milk put her down pour the milk and stir the drink and hope I could drink it whilst it was still hot. I left the ironing board up so I had a table at standing height. I couldn't even lean on the side of the sofa.
3mg/kg omperazole, stopping eating food she was allergic too and as much gaviscon as I could fit in her made her much happier. It just took a while to find all of her allergies

Sounds just like us at the moment, if it carries on any longer i'm going to call the GP and get us back on omezaprole, theres literally nothing else i can do at this point other than sit and wait for the 'day' to come where he calms down

Longjumpingtwo you could be me right now. How did this turn out for you? I hope you are well