Co parenting with a 6 week old

[Girlmummaxx]

Can anybody help?

Really struggling to find a middle ground. Babies dad lives an hour away and his two other children, I have two from a previous relationship also and then we have our baby girl who is 6 weeks old. When we have our children from our previous relationships we have them on the same weekends to each other. Originally our “kid free weekends” he’d spend with me and our babygirl and he’d help with night feeds and would see her for a few hours after work when he could mid week. She become poorly with RSV at 3 weeks old and was admitted to hospital as she required oxygen which I stayed with her but mother instincts I feel so much more protective of her now and who’s she around after seeing her tubes up. Her dad has always been emotionally abusive and we’re fine if things go his way but the second they don’t he becomes verbally abusive and attacks me on a personal level. It doesn’t take much to trigger him.
Hes no longer happy with seeing her with me and wants to take her every other weekend and then the weekend he has his boys a Saturday day or Sunday day so they can bond.
As I mother I UNDERSTAND this and encourage his behaviour of trying to be a dad, however when asked if he could have the kids all the same weekend as I’m not prepared for my children and family time to be effected on my weekends he said he couldn’t as his boys deserve his 1 to 1 time and our daughter deserves his 1 to to 1 time?
Hes really pushing for all days Saturday and Sundays as well as overnights. He lives in shared accommodation with other men which is a concern of mine especially after a comment of him saying one weekend he had the boys he woke up to somebody watching him through his door. Alarm bells ugh!
The day our daughter was discharged he got into road rage and chased a bloke with our 3 week old daughter in because of his temper!
Because I am not agreeing to him having all this he’s saying I’m using her as a weapon, I’m narcissistic and if I wasn’t so twisted I wouldn’t be a single mum and he no longer has any respect for me!
what would you offer so they had good reasonable contact? What would the courts more likely do too if he took it to court? Any advice would he soooo appreciated, from a mum who simply gives up!

No 6 week old baby should be away from it's dm as he is demanding...

So, he's abusive, controlling, has anger issues, lives in unsuitable accommodation and is a dangerous driver...

I'd offer him nothing, document everything and get legal representation in place to optimise your chances of keeping this fine specimen of toxic masculinity away from your baby.

Generally on here some time during the day is considered reasonable at this age.
Do his other children stay overnight in the shared accommodation?
Get some legal advice. Speak to women’s aid or similar about the EA.
Is he on the birth certificate? More freedom to do what you want if he isn’t. Do you claim CM from
him.

Overnight contact isn't really appropriate for a baby, even if he was a fantastic father, which clearly he isn't. If he was a decent man, visiting the child little and often in her home would be a good starting point, but he is not a good man. You cannot and should not be expected to allow an abusive man into your home, so his actions and choices (not yours), exclude him from this option.

For now, updates and photos are the best he can expect, and even that only if he asks. When she's over a year old, maybe short visits supervised by someone other then you, possibly leading to him being able to take her out for the day alone. I wouldn't be agreeing to any overnights in his current living situation.

He wouldn't be having contact with her after the road rage incident.

he definitely would not be having overnight.

I'd be EBF for as long as possible.

Hes no longer happy with seeing her with me and wants to take her every other weekend and then the weekend he has his boys a Saturday day or Sunday day so they can bond.

If he wants to see her, he should be seeing her 3-4 times per week for about 45 mins to an hour with you there.

Then once she recognises him at about 5-6 months he can do the same on his own for a couple of months. In other words little and often.

Then he can start having her for hours at a time in the day.

Only after she knows who he is and they have an established relationship, so after a year, can he start having her overnights.

I know fathers who have and have not gone through the Family Court to establish relationships with their babies.

The ones who put in Court applications, so got initial hearings, got interim orders until the baby was over a year. They actually started their overnights at an older age than those who hadn't gone to Court.

Basically put your foot down with him about the overnights and stick to what you are doing now.

If he doesn't accept it then tell him by email that the contact what he's suggesting is not in your joint 6 week old baby's best interests.

Do not say anything else.

Leave it to him to take you to mediation and court.

Btw a couple of the fathers lived in shared accommodation but with friends they had known for years.

Absolutely this. I would not even donthe photos and updates myself. I would have a third party send them. So that I could block all contact.

*send the

I would also speak to women's aid and any local dv charities.

He can push all he ways, but sorry, he needs to feck off. He doesn't have more of a right to the baby than you do. He doesn't have more of a right to family life than you and your kids do. He shouldn't be taking a 6 week old baby every weekend, that's ridiculous. I'd probably support a few hours on the Saturday with his kids, but no overnights at this point. I'd also be looking for court appointed access ASAP since you have very different ideas (understandably) of what's appropriate

The OP needs to leave it so he's the one who takes it to Court.

In the meantime she needs to start blocking access if he doesn't want contact she is offering.

I couldn’t not post. The idea of this man having your newborn baby overnight away from you made me feel sick.

Your baby has only known you for their whole existence - to be taken away from you and overnight would be so frightening for her. Please don’t agree to this completely unreasonable request.

Thank you all for your responses & your advice. It’s nice to know I haven’t been unreasonable with my suggestions and offer of arrangements.
I put my foot down and said I wasn’t comfortable with our newborn being apart from me as of yet. He made threats for to take it to court and after a burnt out weekend of abuse - I had a text this morning saying he had cancelled the mediation session & wanted to work with me.
I also applied for a Claire’s Law - anybody who has concerns of a partner or ex partner I would strongly advise to apply for one as you may be shocked, or in my case - not. But protect yourself and your children at all costs!

If you intend to have him visit your dc have someone with you. Friend or relative... Keep a diary of when you offer visits. If he turns up /any abuse etc... Seeing his dc isn't an avenue to abuse you.

👏👏👏

Realistically, how many 'kid free' weekends have you had with him with you in the last 6 weeks?

I doubt it's in the best interests of a 6 week old to be separated from their primary carer to spend an extended period of time with a virtual stranger. Especially not in unsuitable accommodation. I can't imagine any court would think it is either.

Short visits, preferably supervised by a neutral 3rd party seem the right way to go. He can build up to longer visits and overnights at a later point.

And document everything.

This.

The poor, poor child. What a toxic mess.

This. For fuck's sake, protect the child!!
Why are you in any contact whatsoever with this miserable villain????

I'd be wary of court - they are so father biased it's untrue. Not sure for babies, but in my case they ruled 50/50 when my youngest had just turned 3. Up until then I was the primary carer and SAHP. They didn't take into account the years of abuse I had suffered because there was no concrete evidence as not physical.

Is he on the bc?
Does he pay cms?
Will he pay for a solicitor?
Can he manage his behaviour if he got supervised contact to begin with?
If it is no just block him. If he shows up abusive ring the police.

.

How dare you? My kids are safe, protected and extremely well looked after. I am taking the correct legal steps to protect my daughter, as a mother that’s what we do, it’s just unfortunate that sometimes people don’t reveal their true colours until a baby is present. I hope to god you never find yourself in this situation!