Hi I’m a first time mum and my baby is 3 months old. I’m really struggling but disguise it relatively well to family and friends. I feel miserable most the time and then feel guilty because I feel this way because before I had her I thought I’d be extremely happy. I love her but find her a lot to handle and sometimes feel the connection isn’t there. She’s never restful it’s like she needs play all the time because if she’s not playing she’s screaming and we do all things like wake windows etc but they seem to just get worse as the day goes on. I can’t take her out of the house in the stroller all day long it’s not realistic. The crying is overwhelming especially when I’ve done everything I can do to make it stop. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t love me. Sometimes I think she must be ill because it doesn’t make sense.
I have a lot of responsibility over her, although my partner will feed her, burp her, change her and help get her to sleep, I feel I do way more and think ahead about her health/development more so I resent him because I have a lot more on my plate. I’m really tired of being the only one to come up with the play routines, to update the wake windows, to make sure she’s not having that much screen time, to say she needs a bath, to wash her face, to do the moisturising, to trim her nails, to buy the toys, to buy the clothes, to wash the new clothes, to learn about weaning, to brush out the cradle cap, to initiate when she needs to go doctor, to organise the christening, to do tummy time, to look at the development milestones, to Google symptoms, and so much more. I don’t want to be the only one constantly thinking ahead and planning and initiating it’s not fair. Nothing would get done if I didn’t do it/bring it up. She would end up just sitting there all day. I’ve shared how I’m feeling with him but he just moans at me that I moan at him.
Alongside all this I am the one who thinks about money management, I clean the whole house, I always make dinner, I think about what we need for the house, I do so much I am exhausted.
He gets a break when he does his hobbies several times a week and then if he wants to go out with friends aswell and then it will get worse in the spring/summer when he goes golf, it will be like I’m always on my own with her it’s so tiring. He gets a break with work too. When I do get back to work if it’s still like this I fear I will have a mental breakdown. Having a baby in general is massive but I also have BPD so it’s an extremely big thing for me. I’m doubting myself that I’m a good mum and feel that I’ve taken on too much that I’m not capable to do.
I’m not sure what answers I expect but I needed to vent because I just cry or feel like I need to cry all the time. I did not expect to feel this unhappy or stressed since day 1.