Explaining ‘tone’ and manners to children

[Campinginthewinter]

DS recently turned 3 and he does say please and thank you - sometimes needs to be prompted. But I am wondering about tone and so on. For example, he just shouted TURN THE TV ON to me. I said ‘let’s try that again nicely, please’ and he repeated what he said with ‘please’ on the end but still quite shouty. Just wondering if there are any ‘easy’ ways to explain how to make requests less like barking orders!

He's 3. Say what you mean: That was very loud. Say it again quietly

I know he’s 3, but I’m not sure why you’ve repeated that back to me. It’s unclear if you mean ‘he’s 3 - that’s totally unacceptable’ or ‘he’s 3 - what do you expect.’

‘Indoor Voice’

Now lets say that again in a friendly indoor voice - they get to understand that that means turn it down

Mirror.

When you ask him to say it nicely, say it in the tone you expect him to use.

I hated my kids speaking to me in a shitty tone of voice, and enforced it from the start.

I mean he's 3 and I think you expect too much for him to deduce what 'nicely' means.

Thats why I've suggested saying what you actually mean: that was very loud (= this is what's wrong). Say it again quietly (= this is what you want).

PP means that asking him to "say it again nicely" isn't specific enough. A 3 year old won't necessarily know what 'nicely' means.

They need a clear instruction like 'say it more quietly' or a demonstration by you of what nicely sounds like.

(Some 3 year olds may understand 'nicely', but others won't and need things clearly explained)

I have explicitly told my children what I find 'charming' and I'm much more likely to say yes/ do whatever it is, when they are charming. The 7 year old is quite good at being charming, the 4 year old still needs reminding but I'll often rephrase for her so 'I heard you say 'mummy get me more crackers" I found that a bit rude. Did you mean 'mummy I would like more crackers please?'. It's tedious but they get better eventually, and sometimes too good, but you're doing them a favour.

Well - he knew what I meant to the extent that he said please but thank you for explaining.

He knew what your words meant, but he didn’t really understand what you wanted in terms of tone.

Hence the pp pointing out that you need to be clearer and more specific about the aspects of it he didn’t pick up.

Well, he thought nicely was code for 'say please', but actually you were using it as code for 'that's too loud/change your tone'. I don't think he did quite understand what you meant by 'nicely'. It is best with children to use specific rather than vague language.

I wouldn't worry too much about tone at this age. They learn by modelling so as long as you're not barking orders at him (it's easy to slip into saying things like DS! SHOES ON!) then he'll pick it up in time.

You can also repeat back to him a better way of saying it, so just say 'mummy could you put the TV on for me please' in response to 'PUT THE TV ON'.

@NuffSaidSam yes - that’s what I’m asking I was happy with please in that instance but I was wondering when and how to introduce tone and so on. It’s possible to say something really rudely even though the words themselves are polite. (He was excited rather than rude but you see what I mean.)

Mine is nearly 4 and we just try to be really clear about what we're asking for - whether it's using please and thank you, or teaching him nicer phrasing such as 'please could you...' rather than 'do that please'. He's a long way from perfect and still needs lots of reminding but he's definitely getting better.

You need to model it to him in everyday life. Using role play can also be helpful- use teddys etc and act out different scenarios.