Eldest becoming getting too many toys off GPs

[Pleaselettheholidayend]

Both my mother and MIL buy loads of stuff for my eldest child and I'm worried it's negatively impacting him now.

I realise this is a nice problem to have but they both buy so much stuff for him - toys, clothes, sweets - and now he is starting to expect it and it's really upsetting me.

Me and my husband have tried asking them to stop but they won't or can't. He's now at a point he asks daily what he's getting and I worry it's impacting his ability to play with others at school (reception year - there was mention he needs to be able to improve turn taking. Teacher wasn't overly concerned and said it was something he could grow out of but I am worried the excess toys are obviously not reinforcing the sense he needs to share)

I just find it really hard because he naturally has a really nice temperament and I feel that he's now being spoilt and having negative traits reinforced.

I'm going to try pocket money this year so he can earn his own toys and see if we can donate more of his toys to local charity shops/libraries etc (I've donated stuff before but not with him, so want to reinforce the lesson of giving away things we don't use and can do so in a way to help others). Any other tips on how to help reverse some of the expectations? Thanks

how often does he see them?

Very, very regularly - MIL on a set day every week and my parents a lot as we live near by.

My dad is of my point of view and talks to my mom but it's tricky.

Do you say he us reception? I don't think he also needs pocket money?

Can you talk to the adults involved about your concerns?

If they are ignoring you, then quite honestly i wouldn’t want them around my children until they can respecting my parenting stance. Simple really.

Sorry but you are just going to have to be firm and clear with them. Explain it's impacting his behaviour and social relationships at school. Excess toys etc will be donated.
It's really down to you to stop this.

@unlikelychump the pocket money I was thinking more to replace the toys sorry.

I was going to suggest they stop buying stuff but he can earn a pound a week from doing household jobs and it might reinforce that he gets stuff by helping and earning it. It don't know I just thought it might help moderate it or reinforce delayed gratification but I'd rather they just stop!

Weve discussed so many times, Im so deeply frustrated. I think for my mother is stems from the fact that me and my siblings never had very involved grandparents growing up (her parent passed away before we were born and my dad's parents weren't very hands on) and that we didn't have a lot of money and stuff growing up.

I think for my MIL she feels worried about being left out - my family is big and close knit and I think she worried she'd be forgotten about so buys stuff to compensate.

I get that it's a grandparents prerogative to spoil grandkids a bit and I don't mind if it's every now and then. But it feels a bit compulsive and their behaviour is more about their feelings than it is about the wellbeing of my son. I'm so frustrated.

Just tell them they are turning your child into a spoiled child who school have said isn’t very good with taking turns and sharing. If they won’t stop, take the items off them as soon as they arrive and tell them he has far too many toys at the moment and you will keep them for later in the year. I wouldn’t give pocket money this early, but you should manage to get him helping out with a few household chores. You could also set up a savings account for him and tell GP to put money in there instead of buying toys each week. We did this with our 2 sons and they were able to pay for their driving lessons and their first cars themselves.

How old is your DC? My DM was like this, every single time she would visit a huge bag would come with full of treats / toys / presents. I was grateful initially but after a few Years my DC would ask for the bag before she had even taken her Shoes off! I then think she realised they were bing a bit 'bratty' because of her generosity and she just stopped, the DC only mentioned it once and we talked positively about how lucky we were she was to visit them, play with them, etc..

Ask the GPs to put money into savings for him instead, and maybe suggest something like a specific monthly magazine they can get him.
I don't think pocket money will solve this, and suspect he is a bit young really.

Just ask them to give him toys at Christmas and birthday.
You could try saying anything else will have to go to the charity shop as you don't have space anymore

I suspect they’re competing with each other too

You need to be firmer and spell out that while giving feels good for them it isn't good/is detrimental for your child.

that said I try and compromise a bit

• I "give" big ticket items for Xmas and birthdays. It's annoying I won't ever buy my kids their first X, but if letting them get the dolls house /bike stops my DM and MIL dumping 10 plastic lumps in my house its a win.
• I strongly encourage/suggest days out instead of gifts
• I opened a JISA and encourage get them to put money in instead of wasting £ on plastic.
• I have been know to reject or "confiscate" gifts before DD sees them 😬 BUT only when I've already said no and they've ignored me.

My simple guidance is for every two thing you want to buy DD, buy one and put a fiver in the JISA.
There is fuck all very little in the JISA but it has reduced the gifts.

I also give zero fucks about offending them /their feelings and happily resell or donate excessive gifts.

My POV is:
they aren't centred on my child's happiness and well being... Just their own need to feel good.
I "manage the house" and it's all extra crap I have to administer.
If I have to be bad cop I will because my child is my priority.

My advice is to stop them at the door/one of you go in first and tell them to pack away whatever they have bought. The first few times may be awkward but explain that it's negatively affecting him and that if they love him they'll understand.

do you ever leave your children alone with your Mil or DM? As in babysitting or overnight stays?