How to balance wishes/needs of each child

[RenegadeKeeblerElf]

I've managed to end up in a situation where I'm going to upset one of my children and I don't know how to resolve it. Basically, my older child (who struggles with mental health) has found an activity that she loves. It has been really positive for her and gives her an outlet where she feels she can shine.

Recently, her younger sister has started to show an interest in the same general activity and tonight she was asked if she would want to join her sister's group. She seemed a bit uncertain so I tried to explore what was holding her back, and she said she was worried she wasn't good enough. I gave her a bit of encouragement and she admitted that she would like to join, and has since got quite excited about the idea.

However, big sister then came to me really upset that little sister wants to join as she feels this is her 'thing' where she gets to make the family proud and that it would upset her if she had to share that with her sister. Part of the reason she was so upset was that she realises that it is selfish of her to feel that way, but that doesn't change how she feels.

This leaves me in a really difficult position - DD1 will be upset and consider quitting this activity which is her main form of stress relief/wellbeing support if DD2 joins, but if I don't let DD2 join she'll be disappointed, and I don't want to do that to her as she finds it really hard to ask for things so it's a big deal for her to have said she wants to do it. Any ideas how I can avoid upsetting one of them?

I don't think you can. Either way one will be upset.

I had a similar situation as a teen. I was a big swimmer and really good at it. I was really competitive in races and thought I had good prospects. However I hadn't been given the opportunity to do it outside of school. My parents suggested my sister join a swimming club. She didn't have the same involvement I'd had so it seemed logical to me that I could join too. It would be just my thing. My parents told me I wasn't allowed to join as my sister should be able to have 'her thing'. I was upset because it was 'my thing' first and it wasn't her thing until they signed her up for it. But I also understand wanting to have your own space where you can do something without family hanging around.

The only thing I could suggest is considering if there is another night your other child could do the same activity so they both get their activity and their space.

I did wonder about another night, but I'm not sure that would be enough to placate the older one - it's not so much about the group as the activity as a whole - she feels that her sister gets praise for another hobby (although that hobby isn't an organised activity) and this is her thing to get praise for.

I'd look for a similar but different activity for DD2. As she hasn't even started the activity yet her disappointment will be shorter lived than DD1's disappointment.

I'd say you've reconsidered and think it would be a good idea for both of them to have their own thing and their own space, so you won't sign her up to DD1's club but she can pick something else/same thing somewhere else.

I can understand her not wanting little sister in the same activity, but I don't think she should be able to dictate if she goes on a different day

Don't know enough of the fine details but another day would be a compromise the older one could make. It seems a shame for one to have to put aside a genuine interest when there could be a half way solution to go on different days. If it's only a lukewarm interest though, maybe she could be encouraged in a slightly different direction?

Same activity but different club / groups / class?

I guess part of what I'm worried about is that DD2 may well have wanted this for a while but didn't want to say anything, and once we started looking into it, got really excited. She rarely gets excited about anything so it's hard to take it away from her. I'll see what happens over the next couple of days and see if I can gently steer her away from it without making it about big sister - DD1 tends to rule the roost somewhat and a lot of our household plans/decisions are around keeping her placated, often at the expense of DD2 so I want to avoid that if possible. I might be able to make it seem like her own idea though if handle it right, I'll mull it over. Thanks for the advice though, I was expecting to hear that DD1 would just have to suck it up!

Also DD2 idolises her big sister so would definitely want to go to the same group 😢

What do you mean your oldest daughter "rules the roost " ?

It’s interesting that your DD1 feels that she’s not getting enough praise and it seems that she feels that younger sister is a bit of a threat. it’s something you need to work on with them.
Could you look at it from money, time and stage of education ? E.g younger one does 2 activities already, which are more expensive plus she is going to have exams this year so need to focus on them. If you look this way you may find that ANY extra activity for the youngest will be reasonable. It might help you to talk her out of it.

From the other side, is it a popular activity? It might be unfair to your DD2 if it’s something standard which a lot of people do at some point e.g dance or drama. Is there a different club to do this?

Then her compromise is going to a different group. Big sister compromises by accepting same activity but different group.

you shouldn't be so dominated by placating one child that the other always comes second.

This is my worry, that DD2's needs are always coming second. She's quite easygoing and DD1 is more highly strung so for an easy life the whole household tends to go with what makes her happiest. But I'm conscious that this isn't fair on DD2. Plus DD2 so rarely gets excited about things that I feel I want to jump on anything she shows an interest in. I think I might be able to talk her out of it without upset, I just feel bad for doing it.

So youo're planning to talk DD2 out of it because of DD1 again? Continuing the pattern? Don't think DD2 won't remember this as a significant aspect of her growing up. DD1 needs to stop coming first just because she is easier to upset. How else will she learn that she has to consider other people if she's always allowed to be first? She'll be in for a shock later in life.

DD2 may learn to always shelve her own needs and become a people pleaser.

Not exactly, I'm planning to chat with DD2 and suggest that for both their wellbeing it might be better that she does the same activity in a different form, partly because DD1's group is on the same night she does a club at school, partly because I don't want the two of them becoming too enmeshed - it would benefit them both to have separate groups.

I think it's a learning opp for dd1.

In life things happen that we don't like...
Also other people doing well doesn't diminish our own achievements.
I think it's good she recognises her feelings are "selfish" I think self centric is maybe a better word. Learning to sit with that and also challenging the thoughts she has around that might be a good conversation.

I'd consider a different evening to be a potential compromise.

I don’t think you are doing your eldest DD any favours in the long term by letting her “rule the roost” and placating her, as that’s not how life will work once she enters work/relationships etc. Struggling with mental health should not mean always getting what you want. If she would genuinely quit because her sister joins then you should explore why - this seems to be cutting off her nose to spite her face. Or is she threatening to quit as she knows it would make you refuse DD2’s request?

You also need to consider the harm you’re causing to your youngest’s self esteem/long term mental health because she doesn’t kick up a fuss so you favour her sister.

I would say DD1 needs to suck it up, it isn’t fair to allow one child to do an activity and not the other.

You can't let DD1 dictate that DD2 cannot do the activity at all. That's really unfair.
Different nights/groups is reasonable though.
But the motivation is interesting - she doesn't want you to praise DD2 for the same thing. Is there a quiet rivalry between the two? DD1 sounds a touch jealous? I don't think you should encourage this dynamic as it's detrimental to DD2 however much the other child values the activity.

You’re not doing your eldest any favours by pandering to her like this. She needs to learn to cooperate and compromise as basic life skills. You’re not preparing her for adulthood if she gets her own way all the time.

I can't see the children's ages here but what's jumped out here is that the whole household is tiptoeing around a child because of poor mental health.

I have some experience in this area and the thing is, allowing a child to "rule the roost" in this way won't really improve mental health or make the child happier in the long run. This is because giving a child the impression that they are "in charge" and always gets their own way gives them a feeling of insecurity and pressure at having to make decisions.

You mention that your dd1 won't accept dd2 doing the activity at all because she wants to be the only one who gets praise for it. This sort of jealousy is a normal sibling reaction and is a perfect opportunity to help dd1 to work through some of those feelings and develop security in understanding that you are always proud of her and there is plenty of love and attention to go around, even if somebody else is currently receiving their share.

My last thoughts on this are that is you consistently push dd2 to the back of the queue you will end up with both dds struggling with their mental health so don't feel guilty about prioritising her once in a while.

I know it's tricky so good luck!

Thus is my thinking too.

You absolutely can't stop one of your children doing an activity because the other one doesn't want them to. Attending different sessions so they can get to be their own person makes total sense. Dd1 needs to learn how to be content in her own choices and not base her happiness on what other people do separately to her. If that means she quits in self sabotage, then there is a lesson to be learned there too. Sympathise, but hold firm.

Thanks all, it's really helpful to hear others' perspectives. I've been at work today so haven't spoken to either of the girls about it yet. Planning to play it by ear a bit and see what they each say about it over the next few days. I have a few backup plans up my sleeve to hopefully keep everyone happy without either feeling the other is stepping on their toes/pushing them out.

DD2 is going to grow up resentful of DD1.

I don't think it's fair to prevent DD2 from doing the activity, and you're showing her that she'll always be a secondary consideration.

Is DD1 having therapy/counselling?

This. I think the compromise here is for the younger sibling to do the same activity if she wants to but on a different day/different group. The elder sibling can't dictate what her sister does it's not fair. You say younger sibling doesn't ask for much. Also it's hard to have a sibling with MH issues you have to tip toe around especially if you think parents always put their needs above yours.

Update if anyone is interested - I tested the waters with DD2 about other options but she quickly made it clear that part of the appeal is being with her sister. I then had a chat with DD1 when she was in a good place emotionally and we talked through her concerns. She very much understands that we wouldn't be able stop DD2 doing the activity without impacting their relationship and so has come round the idea, and I have scheduled a tryout for DD2 😊