DS is turning into Little Lord Fauntleroy/Child of Satan. Am I terrible for just leaving him to it?

[bohemianbint]

19 month DS has been ill for about a week, so am trying to take that into account. He's been perking up over the last couple of days and has channelled his renewed strength into being a total utter pain in the bloody arse.

For the last 3 days, he has done nothing but low level whinging/serious high pitched glass shattering screaming. He sreams if you pick him up, he screams if you put him down. He screams because he wants a drink, he screams the minute he's done because the cup offends his eyes and must be removed immediately. He screams because he wants something which is 2 millimetres from his hand but he won't pick it up himself, he screams because the sun rises in the bloody east...

Got to the point today after 40 minutes of prolonged high pitched shrieks over nothing discernible that I just had to go and leave him on the landing while I went in another room to calm down and just sit for 5 minutes. It drives me totally beserk having to deal with it sometimes, I just run out of patience. DP's all so bloody relaxed about it, but then he only sees DS for about an hour a day in the week, rest of the time its all down to me, and today I just had to leave him skriking because if I didn't I would have bashed my own head in against the wall.

Am I just very intolerant or does everyone have days like this? Is leaving your kid bellowing by itself a terrible thing?

HI bohemianbint Oh this sounds so familiar... I've been there ... 'can't reach' accompanied by most distressed whinging (for an object that's literally in front of him)... and walking away is the only solution... well bar strangling the little blighter!

DS had his first whining/shreaking phase when he was about 18 months old. And just entering the second one now aged 3.5 .

His 'tantrums' last mere seconds though because I keep ignoring him - except for when he starts throwing things as his sister or deliberately turns into Conan the destroyer. Then it's immediate punishment... TV off, bed, time out step depending on time and severeness of 'crime'.

Chin up... it's only a phase.

I think ds's first stint of being unbearable was partly down to him not being able to communicate properly and firmly believing that being annoying gets results LOL

Cheers MrsBigD... mere seconds, wow, that sounds good. How long do these phases last?! And do you pass him the thing that is right next to him? I am torn between making him sort himself out and stop being so useless, and having a quiet life!

We just had an 'episode'... his fork fell down and instead of bending down and picking it up he tried to pick it up with his feet (don't ask!) and then of course complained because it didn't work... so I said 'ah well either pick it up properly or I will and then it's gone!' with a rather fierce voice Did the trick.

Phases can last quite some time I'm afraid. Depends on child. DS's first phase was about 3 months (lots of deep breathing) and current phase is intermittend but bearable...

I found it best to ignore or to calmly (if possible) point out 'yes you can reach it' and maybe lead his hand to it

DS had a meltdown this morning in the park while we were out with friends. Although it was excruciating, it made me feel better in a way - they were genuinely surprised at how high pitched and terrible his tantrum was. They were really sympathetic and it made me realise that I'm not just a shit parent, his behaviour is actually really "challenging" and my friend said if she was pregnant and had to deal with that she'd be crying in a corner, and she's offered to help out when my new baby's born, which is really kind of her.

Thing that's worrying me now though, is what if there's something wrong with him to make him like this? And what if it isn't a phase and he's going to be a screaming maniac forever?!

He sounds completely normal - it's the terrible twos.

Try distracting, don't engage with the tantrum, if it's safe to do so walk away and ignore. You did the right thing in going to sit down for 5 minutes.

Really honestly truly - it may seem like it right now but it won't last forever. I've got a lot of experience of children this age and 18 months is when the tantrums often begin ime. It really doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with him.

And sorry but rofl at the cup offending his eyes - you've put that perfectly, I'm stealling that from you!

thanks WanderingTrolley.

You've made me feel so much better, because honestly, no one elses kids (that I have ever come across) are like this and I just don't understand what it is, or if I've done something wrong. One of my friends there today said DS reminds her of her friend's son who is autistic?

Its so confusing as well, because as you say about the walking away thing, I get so wound up that its the only way I can deal with it, if I stay around him, I just ger really, really . One of my friends said to walk away, the other said that's just teaching kids that if they express their feelings they get shunned and will find another way to express it - she thinks it's better to stay and "empathise."

I find empathising bloody difficult though when he's been at it for hours!

Empathise, my arse!

Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do and remain sane.
I was terrible, place DD one end of room and toys the other and then leave her to it.

At least they are nice and tired when it's bedtime with all that screaming.

You have a mixed bag of friends there - esp the one who made the autistic comment. Some friend, she knows how to worry a person...

As for 'empathising' with a tantrum

hahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahahhahahha

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

Well, I have one of them - DS (nearly 18mo) has an earsplitting screech when he is thwarted (which to his mind is often), together with low-level wingeing when tired or feeling hard done-by (again, pretty often). I go with ignoring where possible, distraction and being relentlessly cheerful which is probably driving him up the wall! I like to think that it's because he is nright and therefore easily frustrated, esp as he's at the stage of getting a few words but not really communicating. No idea when it will pass (please God let it be soon!)

I tipped a glass of water on my ds' head when he was this age. I just couldn't see another way out of it. Well, either that or kill him! At least I could fix being wet. All little ones are like this and anyone who says different either won the lottery or is fibbing.

BTW try calpol if he gets really unbearable. I used to reason that sometimes after being ill I feel under par and take paracetamol for a while. Maybe they're the same and calpol will fix it. And the sugar and attention doesn't hurt

I can't see why gazing solemnly at your tantrumming child is going to make them feel any better . I try the polite enquiry tone: 'Are you having a tantrum? How interesting' or if stressed walk away.

A child having a tantrum is God's way of telling you to sit down in another room with Hello! magazine and a cup of tea.

MIL's technique is to say 'You're not doing that on MY floor' which seems to be 100% effective so far

Thanks everyone - have to say I have trouble with the empathising thing; I sort of understand her in theory but I also think he's just young, testing boundaries and as Effie said, a bit frustrated with not having a lot of vocab yet.

Eeek - My 80 year old aunty also said she used the same trick with her son (the water thing.) She said she only had to do it a couple of times. She cracks me up, I'd really like to get her to write an alternative old school child rearing book! She also advocates tying kids to table legs and once concussed her son with a Mason & Pearson hairbrush...

DH's grandmother gave her children bones to teethe on

can i just ask can this sort of behaviour start at two and a half?!

you could have described my DS who today spent 30 minutes, alternately saying, "i want a drink", "i dont want it", "i want a drink", "i dont want it" with me offering it to him, then taking it away, offering it, taking it away" like some flipping loony robot with a malfunction.

then he didnt want his milk because it was too white, his dinner because it was too tasty or me because i was too yucky (and I had managed a shower this morning)!

you are not alone !

Yes manky it can. Clearly these children all take after their fathers

that thing you do though.. the mums equivalent of the british stiff upper lip... i.e. smile, stay calm and be cheerful in the face of adversity... what must we look like?!

imagine if we acted like that in life outside of parenting...

waitress throws plate in your face... oh dear are we having a tantrum, never mind. dusts waitress off, changes uniform and sits in front of beebies.

DH says... dont want deliciously prepared coq au vin, dont like it, i hate yoooooooo. oh dear we are having a bad day, never mind would you like a bag of -send me crazy but may give me two minutes peace chocolate stars- instead?!

exP told me today via email that children dont have tantrums for no reason... er... hello?!!!! i really needed that comment thank you!

that thing you do though.. the mums equivalent of the british stiff upper lip... i.e. smile, stay calm and be cheerful in the face of adversity... what must we look like?!

imagine if we acted like that in life outside of parenting...

waitress throws plate in your face... oh dear are we having a tantrum, never mind. dusts waitress off, changes uniform and sits in front of beebies.

DH says... dont want deliciously prepared coq au vin, dont like it, i hate yoooooooo. oh dear we are having a bad day, never mind would you like a bag of -send me crazy but may give me two minutes peace chocolate stars- instead?!

exP told me today via email that children dont have tantrums for no reason... er... hello?!!!! i really needed that comment thank you!

ROFL now, thanks everyone... feel much better!

"DH says... dont want deliciously prepared coq au vin, dont like it, i hate yoooooooo."... Dear god, can you imagine!

Jajas - my aunt is bloomin' great. Not entirely sure why she had kids but she's got many classic tales as a result...

my gran used to tell the tale of sitting my mother in the spin dryer when she was naughty... obviously only whilst she was too small to climb out or switch it on!

actually, my exp did once say to me that he wouldnt eat what i cooked because i was imposing my style of cooking on him.

WTF?!!!! cook it yourself you lazy pig then (or rather thats what i should have said!).

mankymummy ( great name BTW) - I would like to boast ( LOL) that my son is VERY advanced. he has been having these screaming tantrums for the last month or so and is is only 24 months

However they are always for serious things like....

the grapes being the wrong colour of bowl

the elastic band being the wrong way round on the jigsaw box

giving him the wrong teaspoon

water in the wrong cup

CBeebies showing the wrong episode of Postman pat

..............can you sense a theme here????

LOL at wandering trolly - what if you don't like Hello magazine??

forgot to say - manky , your ex sounds like a real charmer..cant think why your not with him anymore !!!!!