Ex threatening court over contact with baby

[Lou1293]

My ex husband and I separated a few weeks before our son was born. He’s now 3 months old.

I’ve been giving him 3 days a week (2 hour time frame - he usually chooses leaves after an hour) to see our son, who is breastfeeding. He works shifts and despite me asking, has been unable to agree a loose schedule of when he sees him, so I give the times around his shift pattern that he sent me.

He keeps saying his shifts are changing (although he slips up so I know this isn’t always true) and he can’t make the days that have been agreed and expects me to accommodate in the evening when asked a couple of days before.

Now I’ve said no to an evening this weekend he is saying I’m stopping him seeing our son and he is going to take me to court.

What would be deemed reasonable contact of a baby this age? I know little and often but is 3 days a week sufficient? Do I need to accommodate all of his requests if he keeps changing things last minute?

Thank you 🤯

Tell him to go ahead. He's only saying it as you're not doing what he wants. The time you're giving him with the baby is perfectly reasonable.

You're being reasonable and very flexible.

I can't see a court taking any issue with a mother making a child available for contact with their father in a way that's flexible around a shift pattern, but not being on call to jump whenever baby's father changes his mind.

Lots of men threaten their children's mother with court because they think it will bully their ex into submission. Most won't do it because a court ordered contact pattern is less convenient for them when they inevitably continue to pick and choose when they want to see their children.

Leave him to it! You are being more than reasonable, and a court would most likely support your request to have contact at set times. In the meantime, keep a record of the times you have arranged and whether he turned up or not. Make sure every conversation you have about contact times is written down - if you have a face to face conversation, follow it up with a text to confirm what was agreed. Eg
”Hi, just to confirm, next week you’ll call round on Monday, Wednesday and Friday between 3 and 4pm to see baby.” On those days, if he doesn’t show on time, message him again. “Hi, just checking you’re still calling round as agreed”
That way you’ll have a record of times to show the court how unreliable he is!

Keep a record of absolutely everything. Screenshots etc, a diary of what you’ve offered, him arranging days and then dicking you around, him leaving only halfway through his contact time. Don’t worry at all about a court order. The baby’s only weeks old and breastfeeding, he’ll get about what you’re already offering him. And he won’t go to court anyway as they will insist on set days and times, he doesn’t get to change them whenever he feels like it, or if his shift changes. I’d actually call his bluff and act like you agree that’s the best thing (which it probably will be). I’d text him along the lines of ‘that’s fine if you want to get a court order, just so the contact times are set in stone and we both know where we stand’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dear Ex,

’Little and often’ is considered the best contact with babies. Routine is also vitally important.

Given your shifts have had an unusual number of changes recently (x times in y weeks), I suggest that I have Baby ready to see you on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday every week at 9am for 90 minutes. If you can’t make it on a particular day, Baby can see you at the next planned time.

Please let me know in advance if you can’t make it or are running late so I don’t make other plans or go out.

I think this is very reasonable but I understand if you would prefer a court approved schedule.

Love and kisses from someone who is so happy to be free from your controlling and manipulative ways!

I would put money on a) him regularly missing at least one session per week and b) not bothering to go to court

‘Hi x, I actually think that’s a really good idea. Let’s get a court order and we can arrange the exact days and times that you get to see the baby. It would be a lot easier for me when I know exactly when you’re meant to be coming’. And don’t stress about it. A court order isn’t going to facilitate him changing his mind and shifts like he’s doing now. He’s not going to want to have one

It is very likely to be an empty threat. As @LolaSmiles says, lots of men threaten court because they think they can scare their ex into doing what they want. But the reality of what the court will expect and order is not what they want.

The court is going to view consistency for the baby - regular, short contact (as you’ve been offering) as the main thing. But it will tie your ex to things and force him to organise things around the contact arrangement.

My STBXH regularly threatens me with court and accuses me of ‘denying him access’. Thing is, I spoke to my solicitor and called his bluff. She asked him to propose a consistent regular contact pattern in our DS’s best interests and… guess what… he threw a big strop about how it needs to be ‘flexible’ etc.

He will never take me to court - I am certain of this now. Tbh, I would welcome
a CAO because it would completely eliminate me having to deal with him and his last minute demands to see DS. But I feel much more confident in saying ‘no. It’s not convenient’ because I know he is full of hot air and isn’t going to do anything.

I’m also completely confident, having spoken to my solicitor, that the other child related threat he likes to make (‘going for 50-50’) is also totally empty. Firstly because he will never take me to court. Secondly 50-50 gives him even less flexibility to go to the gym/play 5-a-side 30 miles away/go to the pub/have trips away. Thirdly because he has already set a precedent of not being able to manage 50-50 with his older children while we were together (that was with me helping and without the complexity of the children living 15 miles apart and attending schools/childcare settings that he can’t manage dual drop offs too).

It’s worth you making an initial appointment with a solicitor and talking things through. It was extremely useful to me in properly understanding that STBXH can threaten all he likes but it’s just bluster. And there are steps I can take to prevent him from harassing me (repeatedly threatening me with court because I didn’t make DS available for contact with 90 minutes notice IS harassment).

The initial appointment might be free and you may never need another one.

You should get a court order for yourself.

Without that he could keep the baby & not hand him back. You'd then have to go to court to get him back. This could take weeks.

A court will give him set times.

He needs to adjust his work to fit around his baby. That's what mothers do!

Your poor ex seems to have got the court system completely backwards. Contact orders are for when a parent is denying another parent access, and they need a court order to enforce certain days and times that they can see the children. I can just imagine your ex in court.

So why are we here today?
Well my kids mother is trying to make me see them on a regular schedule at the same time every week.
Isnt that a good thing? What exactly are you asking for?
I dunno really. I thought you could just make it so that I can order her to let me see the baby whenever I can be arsed really? 😂😂

Thanks everyone - really appreciated.
I have made a note of all of his visits, including when he is late and when he has cancelled.

I have an appointment booked with a solicitor as he is also trying to push me into selling the house too. Will discuss all of this further with them! Just very intimidating saying he’ll take me to court/take our son away.

Does anyone have experience of mediation? Is it worth it?

You may need mediation over the house.

But you likely won’t need it over his empty threats to ‘take your child away’ because men like this don’t say this crap in front of neutral 3rd parties who will hold them to account.

Your solicitor will be able to advise you on whether mediation is a reasonable course of action. Mine is absolutely in agreement that my STBXH is a manipulative bastard and even shuttle mediation is unlikely to work with him. She hated dealing with him directly (said that even she, as a seasoned family solicitor, felt harassed by him) and was glad when he passed it on to his solicitor.

if your ex has form for trying to threaten and scare you, you can speak to the mediator first and explain this. They may agree that it’s not appropriate to do standard all in one room mediation.