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Parenting

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DS5 self harming

5 replies

lindorp · 03/01/2024 22:23

DS is five and very bright, lots of friends, great at school and home.

He is with ExDP two nights per week, which he very much enjoys.

Today, he was supposed to be in bed and as I walked past his bedroom I saw him on his tablet. He has very restricted use. I found it more funny than anything, he immediately burst into tears and began apologising. I thanked him for saying sorry, and told him that he shouldn't be on his tablet when he's supposed to be sleeping and not to do it again. I then have him a hug and a kiss.

He was screaming and crying and then said he was angry and didn't want to see me, and threw a stuffed toy. He was crying and asked to be left alone, I offered to sit with him and/or cuddle and he said no.

I left the room and washed my face ready for bed, he came in the bathroom and said "mummy I have been hurting myself".

I sat down with him and asked what he meant. He said he'd pinched himself, punched himself in the head and stomach and strangled himself.

I asked why, he said he thought it would be a good punishment. I asked him why would he need to do that? He said he thought it would be good for me, so that I wouldn't be angry.

A long chat followed, mostly me talking, and he said he wouldn't do it again, and that if he felt like he wanted to then he would come and tell me.

I'm not shouty/angry, I barely have to tell him off. We have a very close, loving and affectionate relationship. I tell him I love him umpteen times per day. We don't have anyone in our family who is "angry", ex and I co-parent well and he is very placid, as are his family.

There has been no change to his routine, no big life changes. We've had a good day together.

I am horrified! I don't really even know what I'm asking. This absolutely isn't normal is it?

I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
Lilacdressinggown · 03/01/2024 22:26

I would talk to him about why he did it and reassure him that you love him. Explain that it is not okay to hurt himself.

lindorp · 03/01/2024 22:26

Lilacdressinggown · 03/01/2024 22:26

I would talk to him about why he did it and reassure him that you love him. Explain that it is not okay to hurt himself.

Thank you for responding.

I've said all of this.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/01/2024 22:37

Poor kid.
Big feelings are hard to deal with - I'd hazard he felt very ashamed of having been caught doing the wrong thing, despite you not actually being angry.
I'd suggest that you have some conversations around this - the fact that he's happy/popular etc. might perhaps also be because he's a people pleaser and anxious to be approved of etc.
I have one of these - she's gone through high school without a single demerit. She's an absolute model student with an almost pathological fear of being told off!
I'm no expert but I would consider that maybe he's actually more anxious than he seems to be.

Sunflower8848 · 03/01/2024 22:43

I remember having that feeling after my parents split up. A sort of “if mummy doesn’t like me I may have to leave the family” type feeling. Led to years of trying to act “perfect” and behave 100% best behaviour…followed my years of anxiety and mental illness problems. All I can suggest is letting him know that you would never leave him or make him leave the family etc.

mynameiscalypso · 03/01/2024 22:48

Oh, this sounds so hard. I have a DS of a similar age. I wonder if something like play therapy would be helpful here? It sounds like he's processing some big feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them. Poor thing. And poor you, it must be so hard to hear him say that.

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