How does anyone get anything DONE??

[FailingAtEverythingAgain]

I have 2 DC - 4yo and 1yo. 4yo is in nursery 26hrs/ week. I'm at work 18 of these hours. DH WFH full time, works very long hours because he struggles to focus with the kids around so it takes him longer to get his work done than it used to (and he looks after 1yo while I'm at work). But he makes dinner a few times a week, does the bins, mostly does bedtime, and does a little bit of cleaning. Not great at, say, taking the DC to the playground for a couple hours so I can have a break. And whereas I thrive on routine, he's unpredictable - so will randomly clean the house top to bottom once every few months, possibly redoing things I've recently done, when I'd really like to just rely on him to do 3 loads of laundry/week or something.

I've always been slightly scatty and disorganised but have managed to function. But since having DC I'm increasingly struggling to cope. I feel like I'm in a brain fog a lot of the time; sometimes I struggle to follow a conversation. Keep doing scatty things - left the car keys in the ignition while I did a 2hr big shop, with the headlights on, so the battery died. Regularly leave my house keys in the front door. I sleep reasonably well but I'm tired and feel like I'm wading through treacle. The kids seem to need so much entertaining - 4yo in particular - so I'm struggling to stay on top of the mess. The mess and the noise and always being touched and someone always saying "Mama!" is so overstimulating that I feel like I can't think straight. I'm late for everything. I'm coasting at work but am emotionally pretty checked out there, just doing enough to avoid any negative attention.

I used to be an avid reader but haven't read a book in 4 years, partly because I don't have the time and partly because I can't focus long enough to follow the thread of the story.
There are DIY projects that need doing but I can barely stay on top of the basic housework. There's no money for a cleaner or childcare for the 1yo.

Is this just what being a parent is like? Or am I not cut out for parenthood? Or is there something wrong that I need to see a GP about? I've had depression in the past and it didn't feel like this. I adore the DC and they bring joy and meaning to my life. My brain just feels so scattered, I can't keep my thoughts straight enough to function.

What is wrong with me??

I would see a GP to see if there is something physical going on with respect to low energy despite rest

I learnt the term touched out when I had a newborn and I realised that I need time not in contact with humans. For me this is an hour or so at the weekend usually in the bath with a book. Half an hour in front the TV at the end of the day and an hour in bed without my toddler that doesn't like sleep.

With reading after having my daughter and pnd I found that I had to start with books I had previously read and young adult fiction. I re-read all the harry potters and then went through Jacqueline Wilson books aimed at teens. I joined the library for my daughter but started taking books out for me too. I get some rubbish out sometimes using it to exercise the reading muscles in my brain that allow me to engage with my more typical books. The other benefit of the library if I don't get on with it I take it back and it doesn't spend months taunting me from the book case! I also use the borrow box app allowing me to borrow e-books and audiobooks.

It sounds like you need more predictable help from your partner. January is a great time to start new habits do you think if you discuss it from this point of view you could come up with a plan on how to break down the weekly chores according to both of your needs and strengths?

Screen time.

Mins are 5 and nearly 2. They have plenty of outdoor time and activities but sometimes i unashamedly stick a phone in front of them with blippi etc on so I can have ten mins with them sitting still so I can shower / prep food / do a quick job like get bins back etc. Needs to be done!

It's hard with a 1yo. Mine will be going to preschool next September and I've put a lot of big jobs off until then. I get the minimum done while she sleeps (which has improved hugely in the past few months - before then I couldn't rely on her sleeping for any stretch).

I get stuff done while she sleeps, a bit done when she naps (but very unreliable) and she can potter around on her own a bit but it's only good for daily tasks like getting myself ready or unloading the dishwasher. I streamline some tasks like getting all shopping done online. We don't have a TV and I try to be as fully focused as I can on my dcs when they're awake.

It may be a deficiency of some sort (iron/vit D etc)

It may be you are neurodiverse (adhd) and have just about managed up to now but the extra balls in the air from the kids is just too many. I suspect this was the case for me.

Is your DH WFH while looking after a 1 yr old? This isn’t really sustainable or safe unless his work is very very flexible ie can be left till the 1yo is asleep.

@Superscientist Yes, "touched out" is the perfect term for it! It's not doing my marriage any favours either - once DH and I are finally alone together I can't bear the thought of yet another person touching me and needing my body for something 😭
DH would agree to more predictable help, and he would manage a routine for a short while, but it wouldn't last. His brain just isn't wired for routines or habits. It's not strategic incompetence either, he really struggles with it in all areas of his life. Its part of the reason he WFH. He works for himself now, as he wasn't coping with the structure of working for a firm. He was having full-on panic attacks in the toilets at work and his MH was shot. But maybe there is a way to see his impulsively as a strength and still divide up the chores along those lines... I'll have a think about it.

@minipie No, when he's looking after DD he's not really working. Might write a quick email on his phone if she's pottering about for a bit, or do some work while she naps, but he works for himself so sets his own hours to an extent. The 2 days I'm at work and he's watching DD he then usually works from about 6-11pm.

Re screen time, the 4yo does occasionally watch something on my phone, but we don't have a TV either. And I don't really like him watching for hours so it just buys me time to run the hoover round or shower. It's the brain fog and scattered mind that's mostly the problem. I can't focus well enough to get things done in the time I do have. I have considered the possibility of ADHD but never really explored it.

Sorry for my lengthy posts! And thank you all for replying.

OP look up Eve Rodsky and Fair Share.

its a great system for dividing up the tasks it takes to run a household.

her main insight is when something is yours or your DHs you do it entirely from beginning to end.

you need to ask some tweaks to make this work better for you. Pack off your DH to the park with the kids if that will help you.

but equally how can you change things so he gets structured time to work without the kids interrupting? And then he’d have more free time to pull his weight.

its crazy that you have a one year old and no childcare for them. How can he do his job? It’s a short window until they get funded care. Find some money to get the 1 year old out of the house a couple of days a week.

and yes to some screen time!