PPD and regret

[tickcross]

I regret having my child. I'm a lone parent and wish I didn't have this pregnancy. I cry when I think about my child because I'm worried I'm not good enough or that I won't ever be able to cope if they are disabled etc.

I don't know what to do.

I don't have any close family or friends.

Will I grow to love the baby?

Think of PPD like a cloud of smog. You're lost in it, you can't see where you're going and you fear being lost in it forever. It's not that you don't love your little one, you've got an imbalance through no fault of your own.

But like smog, it should clear. Best advice for now is tell your HV. Your gp should be able to get you some counselling too.

Hope you feel better soon!

They are aware.

I have nothing to offer this baby.

I have an appointment in two weeks

Are you still pregnant? Tell your midwife how you are feeling. I hope they will reassure you that these feelings are not as unusual or irrational as you think. You will love your baby and be good enough but I really think it will help to talk to someone in real life about this.

Two weeks is too long! I'd talk to your GP sooner than that. You need some support.

I'm getting support.

Baby is six weeks

Talk with your health visitor or GP, they can give you mental health support. Do you have any other problem as being unemployed, homeless, recently separated etc?

No.
Just shouldn't be a mother

OP, first of all sending love.

Your hormones are at all time high now and it's affecting your mind. Whilst you're not thinking straight, the way you are feeling now is not uncommon, so please don't feel alone in this - you are not.

Being a new first time mum is very overwhelming, even with great support. It's understandable you feel a mixture of worry, guilt, unpreparedness and shock and your mind has gone into overdrive with it all and it's telling you to run away from it all.

The reality is, this is the hard beginning but life will settle into a routine soon enough and I promise you, everything will be OK.

No matter how difficult things are for you emotionally right now, your little one absolutely needs you and nobody else. You are your baby's whole world and there is nobody better for them. There will never be.

What is needed now is for you to gently recover in your own time and in the meantime, keep your baby alive and safe. It feels like a lot now, and yes, it will require effort from you but you can do it and you will do it.

Please pick up the phone tomorrow to ask HV to speed up your referral. You need to see your GP asap and potentially get on antidepressants.

Also give a call to Pandas tomorrow. They're a wonderful charity.

Your baby is still very little and a winter one, it's a recipe for PND ready right there. As soon as the weather improves, go out for a walk with them. Get on vitamins B and D asap. Make sure you eat properly because inevitably sleep is disturbed now and this isn't helping.

You love your baby and your baby loves you unconditionally. Neither of you are to blame for the difficult situation now, please remember that. It will pass - you don't dislike your child, you dislike how hard life has suddenly become but this is a temporary situation and temporary feelings 💐

Also, without trying to overwhelm you with ideas all at once, but baby groups can be fab too. Of course you'll see a mixture of mothers there and some won't become your friends, but some will. Many will share your experience, it helps.

I would also say in another few weeks your little one will become more interactive, as in there will be smiles, play etc and this will be rewarding and reassuring to you as a mum. What you need is for somebody to validate that motherhood is hard (it is!) and that you're doing very well to give you the confidence boost you need on this new journey (we are here for this!) xxx

Thank you @PurplePansy05 I dont think my baby cares much about me so could go elsewhere and be ok.

I had a beautiful bond with my daughter at 3 days old. By 3 weeks it had gone completely. My daughter wasn't real. She wasn't mine. When she was mine she had been swapped. I thoughts that she was evil. All she did was scream at me and I would cry back "what I have I done to be forced to look after you"

It took a lot of time and patience. My pnd became treatment resistant at 10 months and I thought my life forever would be stuck in this depressing with a baby that drained everything from me and who's needs I could make. By the time she was 2 I recovered completely. I now find so much joy in her and being a mum. I had vig therapy through an infant parenting service and it was amazing. I worked with a psychologist for 18 months looking at what parenting meant to me about my journey being parented which was poor at times. We did filming of me and my daughter playing together trying to answer "helping questions" such as does she like me or am I a good mum. After each filming session we would review stills and a few 5-10second clips of me and my daughter together.

I had support from the perinatal team and the HV too. Our HV offered listening appointments where they come for mum not baby and listen to my struggles with parenting not just from the pov of my depression but my daughter had a difficult time with reflux and food allergies.

I had such a hard first year with my daughter but every year since then has improved. Keep banging on every door that might offer help. Speak to people who understand. My HV put me in touch with a peer support group that met once a week and had a WhatsApp group and they were so lovely and supportive.

Good luck. You can and will find your way through this storm. X

Hello I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I have felt similar feelings to you, regretting becoming a mum, thinking they’d be better off without me, and feeling so low.
I think there’s a massive hormone dip after a baby and your maybe also sleep deprived.
I can assure you, you are enough for your baby.. and you are doing the best you can.
Do you think you could get to a group?! Maybe not now but in a couple of weeks, it does help to be in contact with other mums who are at a similar stage to you, as you share similar experiences.
And, my only advice for how your feeling is take it hour by hour, don’t think too far ahead of yourself, focus on what you can do now could you do something small for yourself that you previously enjoyed? Or could you take a quick bath or have a cup of tea whilst baby is asleep. I know it’s hard and you can’t see the woods for the trees - but you grew and gave birth to a whole baby- you can absolutely do this.
Side note : I sometimes thought my baby hated me - all he wanted was milk and otherwise would cry .. but my little one is now 4 months and once they start smiling and giggling at you, it feels so much better and the connection grows (you also learn how to respond to them and get to know each other over time) . It wasn’t an instant bond for me, i loved him dearly but our bond has grown better over time xx

I can 100% assure you this isn't the case. Your brain is playing tricks on you encouraging this thinking. Your baby is too little to express how much they love and need you as their mum. Give it time and one day you'll receive this from them. Do not quit beforehand.

The fact you are talking to us proves everything - you know you're feeling poorly and you need and want to get better. This in itself shows how much you truly care. Your health absolutely comes first. Who did you speak to in real life today? Did you call your GP and HV? Pandas? Any friends around?

I don't see how he relies on me and can't go to another family? He doesn't seem bothered by me.

My children when they were so little they already knew I was their mum like yours know too, he has been hearing your voice and your heart beat for about 9 months. Your baby knows your smell too and your baby feels safe with you.

I totally understand the feeling " I shouldn't be a mother " because being a mum of a newborn is harder than we expect. I was a single mum with my first child too with no family in this country , it was hard but I knew my baby only had me so I asked for GP's, health visitor's etc support. It gets better, trust me and the relationship you'll have with your child will be amazing.

He knows you’re his mum. I promise. It’s scientific - they can hear your voice in the third trimester and recognise it post birth. They also think they’re still part of you when they’re first born - that’s why it’s called the fourth trimester.

I also suffered badly from PND (think I’m coming out of it now) and felt just utterly trapped by my baby. I also tried too hard when she was tiny - I should have just sat on the sofa a lot more and walked around with her in the sling but I was obsessed with her development so had full days of activities planned 🤦‍♀️.

From your messages your depression is palpable. What helped me was antidepressants. You need to see the GP today because I don’t think you are okay - I am worried about your state of mind. Mine was the same - I used to want to just leave my baby in the street and run away. “Absconding” is what the perinatal team called it. I was also deeply ashamed of these feelings. I think many new mums have them tbh but not all suffer from PND - you clearly are and it seems severe. I’m so sorry. Is there anyone nearby who can help you in the day to day? During my darkest days I don’t know why I just didn’t drive to my mum and dad’s and live there for a bit. (I do know - my PND paralysed me and I was terrified of everything - the 3 hour drive on my own, partner not being able to come as he works in London etc).

keep writing on here. You aren’t alone.

When my daughter was about 12 weeks old I searched how to put a child up for adoption. I got nothing back from her. All she did was cry continuously often for 16+h a day. She was behind developmentally and didn't smile or respond to my voice until 19 weeks. It was so so hard having this incredibly intense one way relationship. It took a lot of therapy as I put in my previous post but I did get there. She brings me so much joy now. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but 3 years down the line we are discussing whether to roll the dice with a second child. Her crying still sets of my threat system and transports me back to those early weeks and months but there is enough space to separate the high needs baby from the delightful toddler I now have.

Keep posting and keep knocking on every door that offers help.

I had a cft (compassion focussed therapy) course based the post natal depression book by Michelle Cree. It might be beyond what you can focus on but it might be worth a read.

My baby won't smile at me, he doesn't recognise me at 5/6 weeks.

Trust me it will get better I was in a bad bad place early days and couldn’t see how it would ever get better. Felt like the worst mother ever but it really will get better . Speak to your GP get some help xxx

Op, it can happen anytime from now until 12 weeks old. Your baby has not formed a bad judgement of you - you are giving him food and warmth and a home. You are his everything and all he has . Have you called the doctor?

What have you done today to help yourself?

It's a blunt question, but please answer it. Today and every day.

Also, you are unrealistic in expecting a 5-6 week old newborn to smile at you. Some (minority) do, most start a bit later.

You're also arguing against science which is nonsense. Your child knows who you are and recognises you but is not developmentally ready to show you this in ways you expect as an adult.

I understand you're in depths of PPD, but take a step back and read what I just said then pause and think instead of going into the defensive mode, there's no need for it.

OP ... have you posted under different names before? Your writing style and age of baby seems very familiar.

Whether you have or not, your baby knows you. He would not want to be apart from you. You need to keep pushing for more help because you are clearly unwell. PPD is absolutely horrific and you need more support. Are you home or staying with others right now?

New parents with a partner and family and lots of support still can feel like this, you are not alone and this will get better.

speak to dr, midwife, health visitor immediately and if you can, get yourself to local baby groups and open up.

it won’t always feel this way and can get better. Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time.

I've spoken to professionals