Husband ignoring toddler when not “on duty”

[Worntounravelling]

Is this just a difference in parenting styles or am I right to be a bit concerned about this?

My husband and I both work 4 days so we each have a day looking after our little boy every week. My husband also does bedtime with him most evenings and looks after him for a couple of hours on weekends so I can have a lie in. They have such a lovely relationship, they laugh and play together, my husband is affectionate with him and our son absolutely loves him.

I’ve just noticed that when my husband is “off duty” i.e. when I’m looking after our toddler that he seems to switch off from being a parent. I was just drying my hair in our room and I brought our son in with me. Husband was reading a book on the bed. Our son was playing with my hairbrush then spotted his dad and went to try to play with him. He tried to climb up next to him but was too small so held out his arms to be lifted up but my husband completely ignored him and carried on reading. He knew he was there because he’d moved a couple of things on his bedside table out of his reach already. After a minute or so of being ignored our son just came back to me and played with me while I finished getting ready and then I took him into another room.

It’s really bothering me because I would never ignore my child like that, whether I was “on duty” or not, because I’m always his mum first. Is this just one of those things that’s different between mothers and fathers or should I say something to my husband? I didn’t say anything at the time because he gets a bit prickly if he thinks I’m criticising his parenting so don’t want to make an issue out of it if I’m over reacting.

I didn't think there was such a thing as being "on/off duty" when you're a parent. If you're there with your kids you parent no?

As a parent you are always on duty.

You've 'just noticed' this one off example?

Your DH was probably engrossed in his book and knew you were there.

Everyone has occasions when the DC have to wait. It doesn't do them any harm.

If it's happening regularly then maybe you have a point. Tell DS to go and ask Daddy - loudly.

Who decides who is 'on' and 'off' duty when you are both there in the house?

Obviously it's clear if one of you is working or sleeping, but why was your husband off duty in this scenario?

There is nothing wrong in appearing to ignore a child when they are not in danger. Your toddler needs to learn to play and entertain themselves. I have friends and acquaintances who have been told off my HV, nursery staff and teachers because their children cannot do this.

If however your toddler did something dangerous and your husband didn't intervene that's when you should rightly lose your shit.

Btw my own dad and many other fathers I know use to hide behind their newspapers. There were actually keeping an eye on us.

That’s an interesting question. He took little one to the park this morning while I caught up on sleep, then when he came back I started playing with him and my husband went upstairs to read, so I guess it was an unspoken agreement that it was my turn 🤷🏼‍♀️ I definitely don’t begrudge him having some downtime, I wasn’t even wanting him to entertain our child while I got ready, it was just weird to me that he could completely ignore him when he was reaching his arms out for him.

Ok, that’s really reassuring, thank you! He wasn’t in any danger, I was watching him in the mirror. He can play nicely on his own, I agree this is an important life skill, especially as he is an only child.

Was it a passive aggressive dig at you rather than not wanting to parent?

I can kind of see his point if he's taken him out to the park to give you some time by yourself, then when it's his turn you bring DC into the room where he's trying to read and do your hair so DC wanders off to find DH again?

How would you feel if during your lie in he'd brought DS into the room and made himself busy with something else so DS woke you up? Still be as happy to 'always be a parent first' or annoyed with DH?

I think it might have been better for your husband to say "daddy's busy reading Tom, go and play with your toys" just so your son isn't confused why his normally attentive daddy is now blanking him. I agree kids need to learn to play independently.

I'm 50:50 on this. There is nothing worse than being "off duty" and trying to relax or do something, and then whoever is "on duty" brings your child right to where you are and busies themselves so that the child inevitably gravitates to you. Then you are the bad guy for not joyfully giving up your very limited time "off" while the other person gets a free ride.

He would have done better to grit his teeth and move somewhere else, but I have been that parent thinking "really? Did you have to come and do that here?"

You’re never off duty when you’re a parent.

But you were looking after your child and DH went to have some peace in his room and read a book.

You then went into the same room and then watched whilst your DC was trying to disturb DH whilst he was in the middle of reading his book.

If I was him I would actually be quite annoyed if I just wanted some space to read.

I agree.

I can imagine myself in DHs position and being engrossed in a book having some me time and then my partner comes in with a toddler in the same room.

I think the two of you need to communicate a bit better - it would have been better if DH had explicitly said "I would like some peace and quiet for a while now, is that ok?" or you could have said "why don't I entertain toddler for a bit while you chill out"

But it would also really piss me off if I have DH some quiet time and then when it was my turn, he came into the room and left the toddler bothering me

Well I’d disagree with that.

You dint only give attention to a child when they are in danger and during specific times in the day. Especially a toddler.
You CAN tell them to go and play on their own but ignoring would be a massive NO-NO fir me.

So you’d advise the OP to not dry her hair because her DH was ´off duty reading’ and she shouldn’t disturb him?

I wouldn't be impressed, even if he's said "sorry dude, Daddy's reading. Go to Mommy". He was rude.

Op you were seeing your hair so well had him whilst you were in the shower? It seems odd to wait for you to get out the shower but not sorted to park yourself on the bed in a DND display.

If I went into my room for some quiet me time and my DH then decided to come up with the kids and blow dry his hair, yes I would be annoyed.

Obviously if it was an emergency or a reason why it had to be done that second, I would get over it but otherwise why would he have to do it at the exact same time as I’m having some me time.

I assume you’d have no problem with your DH disturbing you when you’re having me time?

Basically, yes.

If their agreement is that they each take the DC for a few hours to give the other some alone time then, yes, she should stick to that.

If he'd spent his time with the DC having a shave in the same room she was sleeping in it wouldn't be ok.

I know you say that he knew he was there, but did he notice he had his arms up for him to lift him? He doesn't sound like he'd ignore him if he did that, if they really do have a good bond like you say. Sounds to me like he was engrossed in his book and didn't know he wanted his help

Yes totally get what you’re saying. Unfortunately I did have to dry my hair at that very moment because I was about to settle toddler for his nap and he falls asleep stroking my hair, which gets tangled in his fingers if it’s wet. No I definitely wouldn’t normally follow my husband around with the baby when he’s trying to have down time, that would be very unfair!

Could you not have dried your hair in another room?

To be honest, even setting aside the child thing, it would annoy me if I was trying to read my book and my DH came into the room and did something noisy

No, that’s where the mirror and all my hair stuff is. He didn’t seem annoyed though so I don’t think it was a problem, he knew that’s what I would do next in my routine.