Breastfeeding baby will not be weaned off, what the hell do I do

[humblecake]

My baby has been exclusively breastfed for 11 months and I think I've made such a mistake. I go back to work in just over a week and we've been trying to wean him off for over a month. He refuses bottles entirely, refuses formula entirely, will take a bit of cows milk in a cup but only with food etc not at normal feeding times (eg when he goes for a nap) so naps just don't happy and he screams and screams and gets so distressed unless I cave and feed him. He's feeding 2 or 3 times in the day time and feeding to sleep at bed time and then 2 or 3 times at night. I'm desperate to stop. My mum will be having him all day one day a week and nursery another two days and I just don't understand what's meant to happen. I don't understand how to stop! I feel I've really fucked up not introducing a bottle way, way earlier. Another half hour of screaming just only calmed down because I caved and fed him but it won't be an option soon. I feel so evil

I breast fed my 2 children and stopped after a year. I suggest carry on with the night time bed time feeds but just stop any other feeds.

Just remember every time you cave in its 10x harder to stop the next time you try.

But what do I do if he is absolutely hysterical and refusing naps? He has two long naps a day I don't think he'd cope without them at all 😭

I wonder if he is only upset because he knows you’re there and therefore it’s an option to him. If he is distracted/in a new setting either with your mum or nursery where it’s not an option, he might be more satisfied with his meals and could be happy with just the night feeds.

Have you a dh who can take him out in the pram? New routine needed for naps. Bf ds never settled without numerous feeds all night. Maybe a minute each. Sent dh in with a bottle of water and 3rd night he slept through. Be unavailable op.

Both of mine were exactly the same. They went to daycare at 11 months, neither would take a bottle or any formula/EBM. Both just had food/water when I wasn't there and then fed in the morning/evening when I was. They didn't expect it with others. They went to sleep with their peers. Daycare workers have tricks up their sleeves to get them to sleep. Genuinely never had an issue.

My granddaughter was just like that , she knew mummy's boobs were nearby and she wanted them ! I suggested that she should physically leave the house, and go for a walk , leaving DD with me . I got a bottle ready and told dd " it's just you and me, DD !" . She took the bottle with no problem, and continued to accept it at each feed time. My daughter went back to work the following week, and we never looked back.

I'd suggest that you give this method a try - don't stay in the house, leave and let your mum do the feeds. Good luck !

@ZuliKyanLarsFoz sounds like me except mine were younger - went to nursery at 6 months, had previously tried bottles of EBM (from me, by DH, by DH when I wasn't there) but unsuccessfully. Sent them to nursery with bottles of EBM, most of which got thrown away for first month. They refused them, or maybe had 1oz, they were still at start of solids so didn't each much, they just had huge breastfeeds when we got home from nursery, plus evening / bedtime / morning and on the 4 days I wasn't working. After a few weeks, they started taking a bit more milk from bottle, by which point I was mainly sending formula as my frozen EBM supply had run out, and they were also starting to eat more, so we had a few months of bf on nursery days of just first thing and in evening, whilst still only bf on other days. Neither of mine napped in the day at home, though would in car or buggy, but somehow they napped almost every day at nursery, as @ZuliKyanLarsFoz said, nursery staff seemed to have magic powers.

DD never had a bottle, I just couldn't be arsed with the battle with it after it took so much crying and difficulty trying it with DS.

I breastfed till 14 months but by 11 months I swapped the mid-morning feed for a snack and the mid-afternoon one for cow's milk at 12 months. Carried on morning and evening after that so childcare was fine.

For naps I would go for a walk if he wasn't settling.

Nurseries are magic my daughter would accept us holding a bottle but nursery got her to have 0-3oz twice a day. She had to be coaxed and tricked into a nap and only held or pushed in a pram but went to sleep in a cot for them.
They are very different when they know mum is likely to return and they get the good stuff! My daughter had a good feed before and after nursery. She started pt at 9 months full time at 12 months but was on formula at this point and nursery helped her get over her bottle aversion for this to be possible

Both my DC were like this.
DC1 - I went back to work when she was 13 months, she got into a routine on my 3 work days of having a massive feed when she woke up at 6am and another one when I got home at 6.30pm and then her usual 2 or 3 night time feeds. She'd have a couple of ounces of milk from a bottle at nursery. On my non-work days, she'd still feed during the day. My boobs seemed to adapt to this quite quickly. She naturally stopped bf'ing at 15 months.
DC2 - I went back to work when he was 9mths. Day one was home with DH, he refused a bottle and screamed pretty much all day. Day two was nursery where he guzzled 3x 8oz bottles on his first day at nursery and never really bf again! Even the first evening/night he didn't latch on properly but was clearly hungry so we made up a bottle and he took it so that was it to DH's disappointment as he had to start getting up in the night!

Don't stress. You will have a week of hell the first week but baby will adapt. I work with early years and some just won't take a bottle of mum is about some have a real preference but do give in and take a bottle in the end

The problem is you smell of milk. They will probably feed for someone else. But if they can smell you and see you breast milk is comfort and food.

I had the exact same issue!!
Don't stress about the bottle/milk. Honestly. Focus more on solids. Get baby on 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, swap a breastfeed for a snack/meal. Works wonders for us. Baby 13 months now only has 1 BF 1st thing in morning, and no more milk. Just solids. Forget about the bottle.

Forget the bottle and formula. You don’t want those past 12 months anyway. That’s great he’s taking cow’s milk from cups.
I was so worried ahead of my twins starting nursery as I always nursed to sleep or out them in the pram but they napped there from the first day!! So maybe trust that others will find a way with him when you’re not there. Don’t spend the last bit of your mat leave stressing like this xxxx

He will be fine! I've ebf 3 dc and the only one who wasn't a bottle refuser didn't start nursery until over 1yo due to lockdown/pandemic so was fully established on solids and didn't need bottles anyway. The other 2 would have absolutely nothing to do with bottles at all and started nursery between 10-11mo. Honestly don't worry - mine napped (bloody longer at nursery than they ever did at home!) and took milk & water fine from a cup, along with solids when at nursery. In fact, to this day, my 2yo eats meals much better at nursery than he does at home. As pp have said, when bf isn't an option they simply adjust. Only trouble is, they may try to feed all night as they know you are there then - I'd advise focusing the next week on night weaning if you haven't already. There will be a period of adjustment - I always hated the starting of nursery and the tears (mostly mine!) and change in routine - but honestly they settle down really quickly! Don't beat yourself up. I was exactly the same as you with dc1 but by dc3 I knew the drill and, sure enough, he was totally fine! Good luck with the return to work!

He'll honestly be fine. Don't worry. He won't expect it from your mum or nursery- he knows it comes from you. They just get on with it when you're not there.

It's up to you wether or not you want to carry on breastfeeding day or night or both the rest of the time. But when you're at work he'll be just fine. He's getting used to being around other people and finding comfort in other ways, and this will probably help to start the natural weaning process when you do decide to stop.

He'll be fine when you're not there. I carried on bf both kids after they started nursery. They adjusted easily, they didn't miss it when I wasn't there.

Both of mine were bottle refusers. Feed him in the morning and when you pick him up. If he won't nap for your DM, she can take him for a walk. Has she tried already Gabon him for a couple of hours?

The Nursery staff will be more than used to dealing with this. Has he had any settling in sessions yet?

Don't bother with bottles you don't need them at this age and it'll be another thing to wean off.
Nursery workers are magic and baby will be fine and figure out new routines. I promise.
No need to stop feeding its nice to have that to comfort them after being apart when you're back to work, and good for sleep too. One change at a time.

Mine had only ever napped on the boob or in the car and I was terrified, first settling in session she had a nap so easily!

Has she tried already Gabon him for a couple of hours?

I meant has she tried having him for a couple of hours?

Honestly it will be fine. They will adjust to have just food and water while you're gone, maybe accept milk (we had best success with sippy cup). My DS was exclusively breastfed and cosleep most of the night when he went to nursery, on his first settling in session I came to pick him up and he was fast asleep in a cot. Nursery workers will know exactly what to do.