Tantrum - what should I have done

[GooseyLoosey]

My dad is in a wheelchair and we have not been able to take him out at the weekend as 5 people would not fit in the car. Just got new car so taking him out for weekend outing. Pouring with rain so decide to go to shopping centre.

Get there and dad says he wants to buy the dcs something. I say he can get ds his birthday present and something small for dd as she really needs nothing. Ds takes an awful long time to pick something and then needs to go to the loo. Dd starts to get very stroppy and then something sets her off and she starts jumping up and down and screaming. I can't walk out as I have to wait for dh and ds and besides we have driven miles to give dad a day out. I ignore her, she gets worse. Dh comes back, I say if she does not stop, we will take back the little thing dad has bought her. She stops for a minute and then starts again, we take it back, this makes her worse. At this point we decide to leave and apologise to my dad.

It was horrifying and everyone was looking at us. I can't help but feel that I did not handle this right. Any ideas as to what I should have done

I have been doing a parenting course recently and one of the things we have talked about is the "Stop that, or I will..." issue.

It is something that I do myself and it often backfires. We are basically backing the DCs into a corner and they cannot get out of it.

My DS was going through a phase recently of having tantrums. I have found that the best way of dealing with him is to ignore him. After a couple of days of this, he did get better and the tantrums have eased off a bit.

Once he calms down then I can find out what was bothering him and tell him that when he shouts at me that I can not understand what he is saying.

If we are out then I do the same, depending on where we are and if it is safe to do so. Walk away, ignore the looks from other people. Try not to worry too much about the other people. Some of them are actually sympathising with you, they are remembering that their children did/do the same.

Thanks kinder, I know what you mean about backing yourself into a corner. However, I have found with dd that I can ignore her for a very long time with no effect whatsoever (except that she becomes even more angry). She could honestly keep going for an hour.

I can't convey the full awfulness of it - everyone and I do mean everyone, was staring at us and while some may have been sympathetic I am sure that there were lots who thought (possibly correctly) that I was an incompetent idiot!

Any other suggestions as I can see this happening again.

If you didn't want to leave your dad alone (I understand this as I have a frail elderly mother and a 3 year old too) I think would have ignored her for the time it took for your dh and ds to get back.

Then when your dh and ds did get back, I'd have said to your dh something like. 'I'm going to take dd out of the shop for a while so she can calm down, can you stay with dad and ds?'

I'd have then physically taken her out of the shop and gone back to the car or somewhere safe, like a corner I could pen her in and I'd have waited with her until the tantrum ran it's course.

I would have said things like ' I can see you are angry and I'm sorry about that'. 'I can see that you are unhappy but I can't help you unless you use words nicely becuse I can't understand what you want' etc..

Intermittently I'd have offered cuddles or just waited it out depending on how bad she was.

I know that would have taken some time but in the end she probably would have calmed down and then a quick cuddle and back to the shop.

After the tears were over I'd also have looked for the cause of the tantrum, was she tired, hungry, jealous etc and tried to fix that if possible.

All of this is of course on a perfect day - most days I'd have done exactly what you did and felt terrible later

Oh God Goosey...I can see this happening very soon to us. My dd is 20 months and just starting to get stroppy, but is usullay distractable...but I fear that won't last forever!

One thing we have been told by friends is to 'remove the oxygen of publicity' I know you said you couldn't leave completely, but disappearing for a while with dd (back to the car , having arranged to meet dh etc somewhere later?) Tbh, I would probably still use a bit of the 'if you stop x/y then z will happen (no pressie etc), because I don't know how they learn about cause and effect otherwise. If that then triggers the huge tantrum, then just removing child from the view of everyone (even if that has no effect on the child, at least you feel better that there is no one watching!) When the screams have diminished slightly, trying to have a cuddle/chat about what the problem was and wouldn't they now like to see grandad etc?

My friends have said that most of the shops/supermarkets they have been in have been more than happy to stik a trolley full of shopping/handful of clothes away for them whilst they wrestled the child out of the store to a quiet plce, which means they could return and finish the shopping later and didn't need to ruin the whole trip.

Good luck.

Ignore Ignore Ignore. Fully appreciate that it's not easy to do, but you have to learn to pretend to ignore if you can't actually do it.

I find the relaxation breathing exercises they taught me for labour help. Can't say they were much good for labour itself, but have helped me get a grip on countless occasions since. Let her get on with her tantrum while you breathe deeply and count.

If I'd been with someone else (like your dad) I'd have started up a conversation about the weather or what we were having for tea and let her carry on. When you have children, the sooner you learn not to care what anyone else thinks the better for all concerned.

The main thing is that a tantrum must never ever get her what she wants. If she's successful just once, it will always be worth a try. Mine both learnt pretty quickly that screaming wasn't going to get what they wanted and we only ever had a handful of full blown tantrums. Maybe I was just lucky, but I have to think a got something right

Thanks - I did try to ignore (and believe me, it was very hard). I stood back about 6ft and left her to it but it seemed to have no impact whatsoever. The only thing that seemed to work was when we got back to the car I told her I was very angry and was not going to try to talking to her until she had stopped screaming and I had calmed down. Initially she went beserk again screaming "mummy, mummy, talk to me" and I kept saying "I will when we have all calmed down" byt she stopped after about 5 mins. Don't know if this was right or not. God, the experience was awful and my apologies to anyone who was there!

Afraid it's just about hardening yourself. Most parents go through this, it's as much part of parenting for many families as coping with illness, teething and potty training. Nothing to feel bad about. We've been there!
Ignoring is the right thing to do, but won't mean that she stops straightaway. She needs to work herself to a halt.
The best thing for you to do is to practise staring into space and thinking about something else. There are cognitive behaviour exercises you can do, ways of training your mind not to care. Imagining yourself on a beautiful desert island with the waves lapping the beach, that sort of thing. My dd does them for chronic pain, but I do them when I get stressed by family life.
My experience has been (and dd was a prime tantrummer, so we are talking experience) that other people don't care as long as the adult is not stressing out, neither shouting themselves nor pleading with the child. Just a quick smile at onlookers (all right, folks, I've got this under control) will do the trick.