My girl always comes back ill from her dads

[inkibaby]

I have 2x teenage daughters.
Eldest 14 -Youngest 13.
They visit their dad twice a week for tea and stay every Friday night.
There has been a number of occasions where my youngest(13)comes home sick. Either stomach bug/cough and cold/tonsillitis. It feels like every 2weeks she’s ill and always starts after staying at her dads. It’s affecting her attendance at school.
I’m not sure what to do about it.
Her dad and I don’t get along. We are civil to keep the peace for the girls. I don’t want to cause trouble and I don’t want to stop her from seeing him.
I know his house is not ideal, there are cracked windows everywhere, no central heating, leaking roof and I can see from the rotten windows there is damp in the house.
My daughter is also on the autistic spectrum and struggles with personal hygiene. I have to tell her every day to wash, brush her hair, have a shower. I know these things don’t happen unless I encourage her.
I cook everything in this house from scratch, we don’t have a snack cupboard and I make sure they eat plenty of fruit and veg. I know for a fact he doesn’t cook meals or like any vegetables. And they get plenty of junk food with him. She often smuggles sweets into the house after being at her dads. I’m not opposed to sweet treats at all I just think it should be as a treat not regular.
I feel like the house condition, hygiene, and diet is all playing a part in this.
I just don’t know how to approach it without starting a war. Anyone else had a similar issue?

What would you like to have happen?
Is there really no central heating?

Not me but a friend with a very toxic ex always got her kids back ill. She had a very important job too, and the children being ill scuppered that so she genuinely suspects that he was deliberately giving them food poisoning.

When they got older and decided they didn't want to see him anymore the illness stopped.

I think at 13 and 14 I'd leave it up to them whether they go or not. I wouldn't bother saying anything.

I don't think I would have liked to have spent winter weekends in a damp draughty house

It sounds horrible there. Do they actually want to go over so regularly?

If there's genuinely no central heating, cracked windows, damp and he doesn't cook meals then you shouldn't allow them to be there. Their relationship is important but not at the cost of neglect. He'll have to rectify living conditions if he wants to not be neglectful. I would be adamant on that.

If they are there 3 times a week then it is unlikely that ALL of their illnesses come from the house. They are more likely to be picking up bugs from school where they are mixing with lots of people.

It doesn't sound like great living conditions at all, but you don't catch a cold from cracked or rotten windows.

The stomach bugs/upset could be down to poor hygiene or possibly to a radical change in diet if they eat well with you and are given junk at his.

Do the kids have a good relationship with their dad? Would they fee comfortable saying something to him?

Is his situation due to lack of finances, or something else?

They're old enough to make their own decisions about what they want to do

If they still want to go and visit, then you'll just have to manage the symptoms, but as others have said, kids pick up illnesses from everywhere

As for not 'allowing' the kids there due to the condition of the house, kids up and down the country are living in properties like this unfortunately, they are not removed from their parents though.

I know you don't want a war, but for your child's health maybe you should, just say they are not coming to stay over anymore until the summer, as the house is unsuitable and their health is affected. It's your child stand up for her.