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Original poster

Brother and his wife ignore their nephews

23 replies

Bakerboys2 · 31/12/2023 06:12

Huge family things had happened prior to this issue.
So basically my brothers wife is a very strange Individual, one day she'd talk to you and be your bestie and the next she'd ignore you. I got used to it after 7 years so it did t bother me too much.
The issue began after she started ignoring my then 2 year old son for no reason, she suddenly cut ties with myself and my husband and apparently with her nephew.
No reason why, wouldn't even look at us or acknowledge we were in the room at family events.This was really confusing for my 2 year old as you can imagine.
Then she and my brother had a son and I have not once ignored him or not made an effort, but her frostiness continued. We were not allowed to visit as she kept making excuses like she hadn't had breakfast, or she needed to do some washing etc so I stopped asking and only see my nephew when my brother is with him.
I then had another son and again same reaction from her, she came to visit me when we got home from the hospital with my brother but has not bothered since.
My eldest son then turned 3 and she made an excuse as to why she couldn't come and see him on his birthday- she was taking her mums cat to the vet...... found out later from my brother that she had in fact gone out for drinks with a friend.
I was so angry that she could do that to a child and that my brother hadn't spoken to her and essentially told her to come and see her nephew. In the end myself and my husband told my brother that she is no longer welcome in our home as she had treated our kids like crap and we aren't going to stand for it anymore.
Fast forward to now, resentment toward her has grown so much.
My youngest son will be 1 tomorrow so my brother messaged to say he would pop down. I relied and reminded him that he and my nephew were welcome but not his wife.
My brother then got highly offended and stated that unless his wife could come he won't be coming to see my 1 year old on his birthday as it wasn't fair on her!
Talk about kettle black! I replied reminding him of what she'd done previously and that she can't suddenly decide to be an auntie now.
A basic apology would have been the very least that she could have done but he ignored that and simply said its my choice to not have them at the party.
I am so upset and just wanted to vent to someone and hopefully get some advice?

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 31/12/2023 06:16

Are you expecting your SIL to have an independent relationship with you and your child, separate to the one you have with your brother? If so, I don’t think that’s a reasonable expectation.

Her ignoring your child is poor form on her part, but banning her from your house is quite petty behaviour and just going to alienate your brother and nephew. That’s fine if it’s what you want/expect, but you can’t be surprised or annoyed at your brother pushing back, it’s a natural response.

SutWytTi · 31/12/2023 06:21

I think you need to look hard at what you want from your SIL, why you want so much, and what your side of this is.

There's way too much drama here. You can't change anyone's behaviour but your own and dialling down the drama is usually a good idea.

Once you've got your own house in order, you can review things.

Lamelie · 31/12/2023 06:21

Don’t give it head space.
Be the bigger person and leave her to her moods. Although having sent that message I don’t know how to do that now.

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MintJulia · 31/12/2023 06:24

Wow. Are you always so dictatorial?

Your sil married your brother, not you. She may not like children, she may have had fertility issues or a migraine or any number of other reasons why she did not want to be around dcs. She may simply have wanted to see her friend instead.

It's much easier to make everyone welcome, and then be pleased when your brother visits. If she comes too, great, but not an issue if she doesn't.

People are different. Families have different standards and traditions. I haven't seen one of my nephews for a couple of years. It doesn't mean he is any less welcome.

I have two BIL who always visit. One SIL and one BIL who don't unless they are passing through on the way to somewhere else. It doesn't matter.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 06:28

I get the blowing hot and cold, is an issue.

I also get her completely ignoring your son is an issue. Are you saying your son went up to her and she pretended she couldn’t see or hear him?

I don’t understand why you cut her out for going out with her friends instead of a child’s birthday party. Or why she has to have you at the house or why she has to facilitate you seeing your nephew.

If you don’t want her at your house, that’s fine. But you also can’t expect your brother to go alone with it. That’s his choice.

Sounds like there some childishness or poor behaviour on both sides.

DNAwrangler · 31/12/2023 06:29

I think YABU.

Why do you want / expect so much from SIL? It seems she’s offering to come to your son’s birthday, and you are stopping her because she didn’t come to a previous birthday (that your other son won’t remember anyway).

her ignoring the kids isn’t on. Perhaps you’ve dramatized that too though. Does she really just sit there and not reply if your son says something tier? Doubt it.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 31/12/2023 06:34

I’d like to hear your SIL’s side of this because you sound pretty demanding.

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 31/12/2023 06:36

You will lose your brother and nephew if you exclude his wife.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/12/2023 06:40

You’re being ridiculous.

Your child won’t have noticed that she was missing from his birthday party. If we’re honest, most of us are would rather go out for drinks than go to a 3yos party, I know I would. She might have arranged that months before you said his party was that day. Did it have a detrimental effect on your DC that his aunt wasn’t there? I bet not.

You’re making a drama where there isn’t one to be had. I couldn’t be bothered with you, either, tbh, but imo you should back down and let SIL come before you end up not seeing your brother or nephew again.

bookfit24 · 31/12/2023 06:50

Other than the ignoring you completely at events I really am failing to see what she’s done wrong really.

The “excuses” for you not popping to their house make it sound like you were asking last minute and early in the day - I wouldn’t be up for that either.

And yeah I’d go out with friends rather than to my in laws kid’s birthday party - they won’t care or notice

You sound like you’re trying to force far more of a close relationship with this woman that is required.

everyredsock · 31/12/2023 06:50

I totally understand how awful this feels. I had a toxic sister in law who was so frosty and antisocial.
Ways we dealt with it was just letting her crack on with being miserable. It's sad for your kids but they'll be ok. Make sure you don't take it out on her kids and they'll need positive role models if their mum is like this.
In the end my brother and sister in law got divorced and while it was a difficult time, everyone was relieved and he's much happier. We're also secretly delighted we don't have to spend time with her anymore!

Goldbar · 31/12/2023 06:57

I find your response a bit odd if I'm honest. Why are you so resentful against her? Maybe it's because I live quite far away from my siblings but I have no expectation of heavy involvement from them in my children's lives, let alone their partners. They send cards and presents occasionally and pop in and out now and then, but that's it. My children don't appear to be scarred by this.

The ignoring you is rude, but I can kind of understand that too if there's this bubbling pool of seething resentment against her. In her position, I couldn't be bothered with it.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 31/12/2023 07:08

My eldest son then turned 3 and she made an excuse as to why she couldn't come and see him on his birthday- she was taking her mums cat to the vet...... found out later from my brother that she had in fact gone out for drinks with a friend.
I was so angry that she could do that to a child and that my brother hadn't spoken to her and essentially told her to come and see her nephew.

"So angry that she could do that to a child"
Do what? Not come round on a 3 year old's birthday? Loads of people aren't able to visit a small child on their birthday, and the child doesn't care. It sounds like she had plans.
I can imagine getting pissed off if my BIL (my sister's DH) didn't come round and see my children on their birthdays. In fact, he never has.

Her ignoring you when in the same room is very rude though.

Sodndashitall · 31/12/2023 07:13

Some people are not that into small children. Toddlers that are not your own are not always that cute/interesting. Are you sure it's ignoring or just not paying the sort of attention you would? Because if it's more like she doesn't interact much or talk to your DS then YABU because maybe she just doesn't want to and no 3 year old would care if an auntie was at the party or not!
Maybe she just isn't very close to family but don't push her away needlessly. If they've offered to come over then by all means accept and see how she is ! If she's horrible or rude then fine, take your stand but your description above isn't that bad to be honesr

cheerfulsunday · 31/12/2023 07:32

Lots of people aren't fussed by small children.

It's nice your brother is involved with your kids, but SIL really doesn't have to be.

She sounds rude, but lots of people don't get on with their in-laws. Just have to put up with her for the sake of your brother and don't have any expectations.

Ilikewinter · 31/12/2023 07:43

Regardless of whats happened in the past you've now made your brother pick between you and his wife....and hes picked his wife. I would imagine you'll now have a frosty relationship with both your brother and SIL.

MyLeftKnee · 31/12/2023 07:47

I've not been to a single one of my nieces parties (I have 3), and they are all my actual blood nieces. Nor have I invited my Sils to my kid's b'days. It's a kid's party for kids. My DS has always nipped over near my kid's birthdays and I absolutely adore her DD.

Maybe you are a closer family/do family events, and maybe your sil has been a bit hot and cold so you are right to feel a bit put out, but I think you are lacking awareness that other families may be different and she comes from one of those. Why does she have to fit into your idea of what's right? And be punished when she doesn't?

Pipsquiggle · 31/12/2023 07:53

YABU.

You are asking your DB to pick you over his wife. He will pick his wife.

Loads of people, don't like other people's DC. I find young DC pretty boring TBH. I would prefer to go out with a friend drinking than to attend my nephew's party who won't even remember who is there.

She sounds a bit odd but how often do you have to tolerate each other?

I would invite them all.

RachelSTG · 31/12/2023 07:59

You shouldn't have sent that text when your brother said he was coming. She probably wasn't coming anyway so there was no need to stoke the flames again

Arewethebadguys · 31/12/2023 08:44

Omg you're the problem here! No one has to fawn over your kids. Is there always drama when you're about, aye? Stropping and giving ultimatums and going nc you sound like a nightmare. And you're a parent? Grow the f up and disengage. Have a relationship with your brother, nephew and just let things settle with sil. If you've a 1 and 3 year old I'd expect you've more important things to bf doing than generating this much drama!

milesmachine · 31/12/2023 10:07

I tend to agree with most of the replies here.

She visited you when you had your youngest, so a year ago? In between then she didn't attend your sons birthday as had other plans (I have missed many nieces and nephews parties due to clashes) and as a result you banned her. So she therefore hasn't seen you all since

I understand there was a period before she had children where she ignored you all. I would suggests he was perhaps struggling with infertility at this point. Whilst it's not great behaviour, it does explain how she acted

And I don't understand why you would need her to facilitate seeing your nephew and resort to 'only seeing him when he was with your brother'. I'm not sure I've seen much of my nieces or nephews unless my brothers were there or have organised it with me

I think you have overreacted on this occasion and probably need to apologise and extend the invite

KitchenSinkLlama · 31/12/2023 10:10

You've cut your nose off here OP.

Josette77 · 31/12/2023 15:09

You seem a little obsessed with her to be honest.
I think it's best to step back and lower your expectations.

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