3 year old telling me they're not good at something, typical responses or am I growing negative behaviour

[Vebar2020]

I am quite self critical - never accepting praise if I do a good job, always feeling uncomfortable at being praised and making a joke out of it. I'll say daft things in front of my kid like "mommy's not good at that, let's ask daddy, he's great at building train tracks", or "mummy's so bad at parking" in a joking way.

Never thought much of it until now!..

When I praise my 3 year old ill say "wow you're so good at doing X" etc...and he's started saying no I'm not, I'm rubbish at it. It's making me feel so sad :(. Yday we were reading a book together and he just stopped mid way because he couldn't remember the words and he told me he was rubbish at it.

Am I totally over thinking this? Is this a normal part of development/normal responses from a preschooler? He sounds so sad when he says it :(. Feeling incredibly guilty!

Start modelling acceptance of praise, children see children do.

From your description it does sound like he’s mimicking you/learning from you.
make a change now- self praise or “oooh i’m not so good at that- how can I make myself better at it? “

My DS is 5 and he's been like this for the past year or so. I feel absolutely awful about it too! I'm not sure where it came from, as I always praise him with things he does. But he's so sensitive and reserved.
No advice I'm afraid, as I haven't managed to build his confidence up yet. But you're not alone. I'd love to hear if you do manage to lift that self doubt from him though.

You need to be modelling a growth mindset, and help him to understand that the only way to be good at something is to put in loads of effort. It's not too late to instill this in him!👍

Praise effort rather than blanket praise.

For example, say something like "I'm so proud of you for trying so hard to build your train track, you preserved when it got hard" rather than "you're so clever".

Google growth mindset. There is loads of good advice out there, both for you and for children.

@Vebar2020 I think most kids go through a phase of this, but your attitude won't be helping him get through it.

it's not good for you either!

start to rephrase it, be accepting that doing YOUR best is what counts & mostly that's good enough.

its an annoying phase, but so is the one where everything they do is better than anyone else. Lots of phases to come!

Thank you - God its an eye opener! Trying very hard to channel this and rephrase everything but I didn't even know I was doing it! Breaks my heart to hear him talk like that!

Thank you - I'll keep you posted! So far just trying to say it's ok to not be good at something straight away, we can keep trying etc. It's just so heartbreaking to hear him talk like that...I didnt even realise I was doing it!

Thank you :) I will have a look at that now

Ps were already getting that he knows best on everything...also a great phase😂

As well as praise for trying focus on how fun or interesting the activity is. So for example we played a game earlier, neither of us scored highly but I focused instead on how fun it was and that I was looking forward to making time to play again tomorrow

A stock phrase I use when accepting praise for something I have done is "thank you, I enjoyed doing it".

This is really interesting. My DD does this too (she’s 3) and is also an absolute perfectionist. Because of the latter, I’ve been trying to ensure she sees me making mistakes but not getting upset by it, eg “I’m not very good at colouring today am I, I’ve gone out the lines there. I’m still enjoying it though!” But now I’m thinking maybe doing that has been aiding her self criticism?! I do think a lot of it is just their nature though. My DD has been like this from a very young age

When he criticises himself ask him, 'why do you say that?' Be enquiring.
It might be he's got in a habit of enjoying the affirmation of you saying he's good at things as a form of comfort. Which is fine - he's little. But do role model being proud of yourself doing things well as he'll see the best 'praise' comes from within and being proud of one's own achievements.

We can't win can we 🤦‍♀️😂 and my son is very much the same. I think its good what you're doing, im going to throw this in. Thanks x

It seems counterintuitive but telling him he’s great/ the best at something will not grow self esteem.

Look up Dr Becky at Good Inside on Insta, she has a really helpful recent video on this.

Good luck!

Thank you :) and yes I totally thought that would give self esteem 🤦‍♀️

Perhaps stop focussing on the end result and whether something has been done well or not, and comparisons that daddy could have done it better. Instead, focus on the process of doing the activity and start saying things like this out loud;

I'm proud of myself for building this train track.

Cooking dinner was hard work, but I’m proud I kept trying and didn’t give up.

Also, try exaggerating and accepting imperfections and mistakes in yourself too by saying out loud;

I went over the lines in the colouring I was doing with you, and that’s okay because I really enjoyed doing it with you. I’m proud of myself.

Focus on you and model. Praise the effort in your child and not the end result.

good luck. x

I think it will be good for you to make some changes. You say I’m not very good at parking, but actually it’s better for you if you say,”I’m not very good at parking but it’s good enough, I got us to the park”
I truly believe in being good enough - rather than perfect.

Yeah it's eye opening, kids really do as you do not as you expect!
My son comes out with some choice lines, now he's 4, but some things I'm like "oops wtf" and others I'm like "that's so lovely" but 9 times out of 10 on reflection he is just copying what we have modelled.
I think the best way to help your child in these situations is to become what you want them to be, as suggested up thread.
It is harder than just telling your child to change but it's for the best in the long term!

Good luck

I think it can just be three year olds being contrary. My 3yo gets so much positive reinforcement but often if we say "I love you" she says "no you don't" or if we say she's brave she says "no I'm not". Sometimes they just like to disagree!

What builds self-esteem is achievable success. And for that, you need effort so you praise effort. It doesn't matter if it's a piece of crap or brilliant, you notice what they did, "DS I saw you really concentrating on the turns in the track".

And joking about how crap you are will make him mimic you now. But what it will do in the future is make him think women are a bit shit. There are enough men like that in the world. Raise one who sees how great women are because his mum started off being the greatest woman.

Oh and book a driving lesson, just to park. A single lesson to learn all the tricks. In your own car.

DS had a massive worry about reading when he was in reception. Came home from school in tears because he couldn't read. I said "you can't read ... yet" and kept adding the word "yet" to his worries. I explained it was hard and we'd work on it together. By 8 he had progressed through all the reading book bands and is free reading anything and everything.