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Original poster

When to tell the kids

23 replies

Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 09:35

I've just put this in 'Relationships' but not sure if it's better here, or if I'm allowed it in two places at once...

Hello everyone. Shortly before Christmas, my partner of 16 years decided it was time to end our relationship. We have two DD (very soon to be 5 and 10). We have carried on these last 3 weeks as normally as possible and not told the girls, partly since it was Christmas, and also we don't have an awful lot of choice in terms of one of us moving out etc.

We haven't fallen out, my partner just felt that they saw me more as a friend, and doesn't want to try to rekindle things. They've moved on, but for me it was a complete shock. I'm still in the process of dealing with it all but think I'm now out of the shock phase. We aren't arguing, and any tears have been kept from the kids, who I don't think have any suspicions. I know they pick up on a lot, but I certain they wont be expecting it. We've been a tight family unit and our eldest says regularly that her family is the most important thing to her.

Our question is, can anyone with experience advise on when to tell our kids? Does it make any difference? Our gut is that we'd like to tell them as soon as possible, but have heard stories about people telling their kids close to Christmas and it tainting Christmas for them forevermore. Decorations are still up and they just started playing with their toys as we've been away with family for a few days. They go back to school on Tuesday. Our options seem to be mostly between this weekend (we haven't managed to prepare how to say it yet but not sure you really can plan that much), or next Friday after school/Saturday morning. We're planning to tell them separately due to their differing ages. Would it be best to allow that bit of extra time to get some distance from Christmas and wait until they've started school again, should we just do it tomorrow, or is there a better third option?

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:09

Anyone? Hoping for some quick advice due to the timescales.

OP posts:
Beckafett · 29/12/2023 12:13

Hello, my circumstance was similar and I felt massively in shock- my kids were quite a bit younger.
Are you staying living together? We told them together when he was moving out.
One hugely helpful piece of advice I was given was don't use phrases like 'we don't love each other anymore' as that implies love is temporary.

amiold · 29/12/2023 12:16

Your partner has moved on? Do you mean emotionally or they have someone else?

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shamebook · 29/12/2023 12:20

There's never a good time but I agree, with Christmas decs up they may link it more to Christmas. When is s/he moving out? Tell them at that point. I think it would be very confusing for the children to understand a break up with both still being in the same house.

Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:22

amiold · 29/12/2023 12:16

Your partner has moved on? Do you mean emotionally or they have someone else?

They said that they love me but aren't in love with me any more, so moved on emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:24

shamebook · 29/12/2023 12:20

There's never a good time but I agree, with Christmas decs up they may link it more to Christmas. When is s/he moving out? Tell them at that point. I think it would be very confusing for the children to understand a break up with both still being in the same house.

Neither of us is in a great position to move out yet so we expect to continue living together for at least the next 2 or 3 months until we sort something out. That feels far too long to keep it a secret, and to ask others to. We are hoping that we can make it help the transition for them to see us still working together but appreciate it could also be confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:26

Beckafett · 29/12/2023 12:13

Hello, my circumstance was similar and I felt massively in shock- my kids were quite a bit younger.
Are you staying living together? We told them together when he was moving out.
One hugely helpful piece of advice I was given was don't use phrases like 'we don't love each other anymore' as that implies love is temporary.

At the moment the intention is that we'll continue living together and running the household together for the next few months until we sort out alternatives, albeit with separate bedrooms now. Thats useful advice but Im not sure what phrases we can use that will explain it, without saying that?

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 29/12/2023 12:29

I'd advise letting the children's teachers know.

It only needs a one line email (ideally sent the evening before so they'll read it before seeing the child), but it means there can be support and understanding at school.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:30

FriedasCarLoad · 29/12/2023 12:29

I'd advise letting the children's teachers know.

It only needs a one line email (ideally sent the evening before so they'll read it before seeing the child), but it means there can be support and understanding at school.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yes I've checked that the school will be reading emails before they restart next week, so would try to make sure teachers know. Thank you :)

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 29/12/2023 12:34

Good luck. I would wait for school to restart, so everyone is back in routine.

After school pickup any day but a Friday, give them a snack and drink, then tell them. This way they have the evening to process a little bit, the next day has a structure and distractions of school.

Likely they will process on and off in little bursts at their ages.

Wishing you a happier future.

amiold · 29/12/2023 12:34

I was going to say! Sorry I misinterpreted that.

It's not easy and there is no right time but new year brings new beginning's. This time next year you'll be in a whole different place, keep moving forward and take each day as it comes. You'll be fine. Take care xx

Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:37

CrapBucket · 29/12/2023 12:34

Good luck. I would wait for school to restart, so everyone is back in routine.

After school pickup any day but a Friday, give them a snack and drink, then tell them. This way they have the evening to process a little bit, the next day has a structure and distractions of school.

Likely they will process on and off in little bursts at their ages.

Wishing you a happier future.

Thank you. You think its actually better to tell them on a school night? And we had intended to tell the 9 year old separately, so she could talk through it without the distraction of our 4 year old with her limited understanding. You think its better to tell them together?

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 29/12/2023 12:41

I wouldn't tell them until there is a plan to move out, otherwise it's very confusing when someone does go, from the child POV you've separated but nothing changes, then suddenly it does and they don't understand why. Not saying leave it until oh daddy is moving out next week, but once there is a definite plan and date and yes tell them together, they will need each other. If the older one has more questions you can give her separate time after/later

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 12:46

I agree it's far too confusing to tell them and then have nothing change for 2-3 months.
The older child will likely have questions you can't answer until you know where everyone will be living too. Not being able to tell them when/where/how often they'll be able to see each parent will add a worry on top of the upset. If you wait until things are lines up, at least there can be a plan in place.

Strawberryjams · 29/12/2023 12:47

I personally would tell them together because your 9 year olds questioning may help cement it for your 4 year old. You can then later when 4 year old is in bed have a further private conversation with her with some more reassurance.

When I’ve had children whose parents separate and they discuss it with me the love is always a big issue. They often can’t get over that they don’t love each other any more. I tell them (rightly or wrongly) that there are different kinds of love and although they are no longer in love, they will always love and respect each other as part of your family. Mummy and daddy even if they are not together will always have a special bond because together they gave each other the most important gift you.

I mean I’m no expert but that’s what I have said in the past on several occasions and the children have seemed quite happy with it at the time.

Best of luck op it’s going to be hard but children are resilient and will really surprise you. The fact that you are both still able to stay amicable for the children gives them a safety and comfort that often isn’t there with separation.

Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:48

SgtJuneAckland · 29/12/2023 12:41

I wouldn't tell them until there is a plan to move out, otherwise it's very confusing when someone does go, from the child POV you've separated but nothing changes, then suddenly it does and they don't understand why. Not saying leave it until oh daddy is moving out next week, but once there is a definite plan and date and yes tell them together, they will need each other. If the older one has more questions you can give her separate time after/later

I can see your point. There is a general plan that my (ex)partner will move out as soon as they find a small flat and buy it, and I will hope to follow suit with my own place once I've declared this years earnings in April - I haven't earnt enough in the previous tax year to be anywhere close to buying, so have to wait until then. The idea of waiting months to tell them seems impractical and too much risk theyll find out some other way, which would be awful. Also, giving them some involvement in the process of where they will live next seems like it might be a positive, even if they wont like that its happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:50

Strawberryjams · 29/12/2023 12:47

I personally would tell them together because your 9 year olds questioning may help cement it for your 4 year old. You can then later when 4 year old is in bed have a further private conversation with her with some more reassurance.

When I’ve had children whose parents separate and they discuss it with me the love is always a big issue. They often can’t get over that they don’t love each other any more. I tell them (rightly or wrongly) that there are different kinds of love and although they are no longer in love, they will always love and respect each other as part of your family. Mummy and daddy even if they are not together will always have a special bond because together they gave each other the most important gift you.

I mean I’m no expert but that’s what I have said in the past on several occasions and the children have seemed quite happy with it at the time.

Best of luck op it’s going to be hard but children are resilient and will really surprise you. The fact that you are both still able to stay amicable for the children gives them a safety and comfort that often isn’t there with separation.

Thank you - it sounds as though you may be a teacher? Any thoughts on whether to tell them mid-school week, or at a weekend? Before term starts, or once theyre a bit more settled in after a week?

OP posts:
Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:52

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 12:46

I agree it's far too confusing to tell them and then have nothing change for 2-3 months.
The older child will likely have questions you can't answer until you know where everyone will be living too. Not being able to tell them when/where/how often they'll be able to see each parent will add a worry on top of the upset. If you wait until things are lines up, at least there can be a plan in place.

Thanks. I agree that it may be confusing, but I'm not sure we have a better option than to continue living together for a few months at least, and the idea of hiding it for that long seems impractical. Also there is potential there to allow them to get used to the idea and see us modelling positive behaviour together, maybe we can use that to our (their) advantage?

OP posts:
Strawberryjams · 29/12/2023 12:59

I also agree that not telling them until it’s moving out time is best. Waiting for the moment when someone is leaving will cause additional anxiety for the older child and for the younger one will make it seem like nothing is actually wrong or happening.

Strawberryjams · 29/12/2023 13:01

Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 12:50

Thank you - it sounds as though you may be a teacher? Any thoughts on whether to tell them mid-school week, or at a weekend? Before term starts, or once theyre a bit more settled in after a week?

Show quote history

Got me lol. I think the good thing about doing it midweek is that structure and routine help children feel safe so nothing will change the next day. Up and out to school as normal. I also think that teachers can have a massive impact on children and if they have a good relationship with theirs then another trusted adult assuring them it will be ok and it’s normal to feel sad is a good thing.

Kaleidoscope101 · 29/12/2023 13:16

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Marriage ended just before Christmas but we played happy families over the Christmas period.

Told kids (one primary school age, one senior school age) on the first Friday of the new year (so they weren't at school the next day).
Obviously they were devestated, as was I.

We talked with them a lot and I feel it was good for them to see that their parents could still get on and parent together (I feel very grateful and lucky that we were able to do this, I know it's not that easy for everyone).

My ex and I lived together until the house sold but we were amicable and for me I feel it was best for the kids (although it was really tough on me).
I did mention it to the school so that they were aware.

Original poster
Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 13:28

Kaleidoscope101 · 29/12/2023 13:16

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Marriage ended just before Christmas but we played happy families over the Christmas period.

Told kids (one primary school age, one senior school age) on the first Friday of the new year (so they weren't at school the next day).
Obviously they were devestated, as was I.

We talked with them a lot and I feel it was good for them to see that their parents could still get on and parent together (I feel very grateful and lucky that we were able to do this, I know it's not that easy for everyone).

My ex and I lived together until the house sold but we were amicable and for me I feel it was best for the kids (although it was really tough on me).
I did mention it to the school so that they were aware.

Thank you, thats reassuring. Several suggestions to tell them when they do have school the next day, maybe it makes little difference. Did you tell the kids together or separately? Did you feel it was confusing for the kids that nothing actually changed for a while? Was it very traumatic for them when the moment of moving out actually arrived?

OP posts:
Kaleidoscope101 · 29/12/2023 13:56

Startwiththebasics · 29/12/2023 13:28

Thank you, thats reassuring. Several suggestions to tell them when they do have school the next day, maybe it makes little difference. Did you tell the kids together or separately? Did you feel it was confusing for the kids that nothing actually changed for a while? Was it very traumatic for them when the moment of moving out actually arrived?

Show quote history

We told the kids together. We had discussed beforehand what we were going to say (he cheated and I felt the kids should know this as, rightly or wrongly, I wasn't taking the blame for it and I felt the kids needed to know it was definitely the end).
We very much reiterated that although we as a couple were no longer together, we both still loved and cared for the kids.
Initially, it worked well (it was hard on me to be around him) but my youngest did ask at one point if his dad and I could just be boyfriend and girlfriend again. He was really upset when we said that this wouldn't happen.
By the time we actually came to move I think we were all ready for it. It did feel sad and I did cry but we were all ready for a new start.
I feel our situation was very much helped by that fact that myself and my ex remained very amicable, again I know that that's unusual

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