Shit mum alert

[123bumblebee]

I’m struggling to write this because I know I will be flamed but I really don’t like my 22 month old daughter. She can be sweet and funny and is incredibly clever- we stopped counting her words at >200, she can count to 13 ,but everything is a fucking battle. Putting shoes on, leaving the house, getting in the car, bedtimes have always been hell. As a baby she just wouldn’t sleep and it drove me crazy. I just needed respite and she just wanted to be attached to me. As soon as I put her down she was wide awake.

She is slightly better as a toddler, will go down for a nap in the middle of the day, 1.5 hours max. But has to be at home in the dark so it really limits my days by the time I’ve battled her to get dressed and out of the house. I have to lie next to her and pat her in whatever way she demands to be stroked at each nap or she wails and screams for me. She won’t transfer from the car if she falls asleep, she won’t sleep if the engine is off.

currently she is refusing my husband to comfort her or put her to bed. She wails for me and it is heartbreaking and I can’t fucking stand it. I feel so smothered. By day she hangs off me and demands me rather than anyone else. Please don’t think I ignore her or don’t give her attention, you wouldn’t know I feel this way if you know me.

im just at my wits end with it all. Why the fuck does no one tell you this about toddlers? My work is suffering, my marriage is at breaking point and I am a shadow of my former self.

i just can’t do this. I honestly wish I’d never had a baby.

i appreciate this is a me problem rather than a her problem, and I won’t raise her to know I regret her. I just need space to vent.

It won't be like this forever. It is just a phase.

Do you work full time? If not is it a possibility to up your hours? Having less time with her may give you a chance to miss her and cherish the times you have with her.

Do you have much routine with her? If not can you try that as it may reduce some of the tantrumming as she will know what to expect.

Are there any activities that you enjoy that keep her occupied. For example I find play grounds sooo boring but I love the country side so I like to go for walks near a lake or river and toddler will be happy to throw stones in while I enjoy the view.

My eldest daughter was high needs. Contact naps, had to sleep train. Was a pain at leaving the house every single time - baby brother would happily sit waiting in the pushchair whilst we went through the tantrum about shoes, coat, etc. We even sat the terrible twos didn’t hit that hard because she was already terrible when she got to it! (The baby brother’s hit hard because he’d been such a star!)
To give you hope, she’s been amazing ever since. Very mature (perhaps that mature brain tantrums more?), has looked after her brother, been the kindest of friends. Not looking forward to the teenage years given the toddlers years!
But I get you, I don’t judge you, I support you. It’s bloody hard work, and I often don’t like them! It wasn’t until my third that I even enjoyed them, I was experienced enough to go with the flow a bit more.
You’re doing your best and that’s good enough - and this will pass. No favourite phase for a good enough day is - everyone fed, no-one dead. If I manage that, I can consider it a good day regardless of everything else.
You can and will do this 🩷

This is parenthood. Its never ending responsibility and hard work. To say you dont like your child is pretty concerning. Do you really mean that or are you venting?

I work 3 days a week and my parents have her for an extra day for me as I have a postgrad exam I am studying for.

Im not great with routine for her because I work mom/wed/fri which means we can never get into a routine and I find it hard for myself even let alone to get her into a routine around such upset. Those days of work are not my choice, I had no choice with work.

and daddy gets home late, anywhere between 6.30 (which would be unusually early) and 7 which is when I’m trying to wind her down and then she gets wound up again. But by this point I’ve totally melted down with the overstimulation and I just need him to take over for 10 mins so I can decompress from 8-7 day of toddler tantrumming alone.

i just find it all so hard. My work days are long (13 hour days) with a long commute and I am on my knees exhausted. I’m studying for a postgrad exam too which I have no choice in, I have to complete it by May for my job. It’s £££ to do and I’m not getting any time to study for it with the constant wailing for me at bedtimes.

she is a sweet and determined little girl. She is exactly me as a girl. I can understand her frustrations but it doesn’t make it any easier when I’m having to force a tantrumming toddler into an adult pattern of living.

we have no choice for either of us to change work either. We have explored this and it doesn’t work with our current (complicated circumstances) and we can’t afford for one to be SAHM/D as we couldn’t cover the mortgage.

You don't dislike her, you love her. You just wish life was less stressful and more enjoyable with her. Your doing your absolute best for yourself and your family in the long run and you'll thank yourself in a couple of years.

You will get there, hang on in there x

In fairness I think people do tell you this about toddlers - some can be very hard work.
Try and tag team with husband as much as possible.
During the worst days 'switch off' emotionally- your child needs to be safe and have needs met but let the tantrums wash over you if you've run out of steam and cant do calm soothing. Congratulate yourself that at least you're not losing your temper.
Buy a reputable parenting book or app that can give you coping strategies to use on better days.
Try and enjoy how bright your DD is.

It’s a combination of things.

Make sure you’re spending some quality time with her everyday you can doing things she wants to; playing, going to the park, crafts, slow walks where she has time to explore, reading.

Give her the time she needs to try and get her shoes and coat on and a few choices about what she wears / eats….its about making her feel in control of her little world.

You also need firm boundaries. Gently introduce small time outs for terrible behaviour, don’t be afraid to say no and drop the mum guilt and have a break….separation anxiety is normal but nothing bad will happen and she won’t be traumatised if you leave her with your husband or family to have a break.

Parenthood is full on and stressful but everything is a phase. Repeat it to yourself on bad days, this will pass, it’s just a phase. She’s at peak tantrum phase at the moment and it will get easier. I used to despair when DS was 2 and everything was a battle, we’d go out for the day and he’d throw himself to the ground over every little thing until I was a stressed sweaty mess and just wish I’d not bothered 😕. He’s 4 next week and we seem to have entered a stroppy phase but it does get easier the more you can communicate with them. I can explain to him now that that behaviour is just not ok in a way that’s impossible to do at you DDs age.

Just keep modelling good behaviour and keep boundaries in place. If you can try to have a loose routine it really might help as she will know what to expect and it might help you too - I found putting a routine in place an absolute life saver although I appreciate it doesn’t work for everyone.

@Padget thank you. I feel like we have been in the terrible twos since she was 12 months. She learnt to roll at 4 months and refused to lie on her back at any point after that, to the point where she would be angry whenever we changed her nappy and had to pin her down. I even had to bathe her in about an inch of water lying on her front because she wouldn’t lay down and was too strong to go in one of the semi lying down baby seats. She would never, even from a tiny baby, let me wrap her up in a towel. Any attempts to get her snuggly and warm are met with screams from her.

She’s had such a strong personality (and strong kick!) from the get go. It’s not even like I can manhandle her into doing things when needed (like getting into her car seat or in the pram) because her legs when kicking are stronger than me.

I have a feeling that if you got the naps and bedtime sorted out, things would be easier.

I recommend the Ferber sleep training book. It's a game changer.

Sounds like my DD when she was small. They are absolutely fucking relentless aren't they. I don't know how I got though but i did!! And now I have an incredible, caring, wonderful daughter who is so much fun to be with (if still a little full on!)

Try a visual timetable, keep a routine and hold on to the fact it's bot forever! The days you're not at work, mke sure you still get out of the house if even for a walk. if she goes in her PJs, its not the end of the world!!!

She sounds quite like my DC (who's also 22 months old) in a lot of ways - funny, aware of the world, strong-willed, very attached!

Things I've found helpful include...

Having a structure to each day. Every day, we have morning cuddles and a book or some music, we have an outside-the-house activity (ideally running around somewhere or something creative like spending time at the library), we have time to play, and cues for bed to help with encouraging sleep.

We have so many songs and jokes that help get things done. Rather than battling over putting arms in sleeves, I tell the "Where does DC keep their armies? In their..." Sleevies!" joke with DC joining in with the punchline and putting arms in sleeves (I know, it's a terrible joke).

Picking what battles need fought. DC doesn't want to wear slippers? Ok, we're indoors so bare feet is fine. DC wants to run into a road? Not happening.

"I respect your right to protest". If DC wants to protest something that's non-negotiable, they can protest. They can do it in a safe place and I won't leave them, then once they're finished we'll have a cuddle and get on with things.

Could you and your husband adjust evening homecoming/bedtime routines to something less unpredictable and exciting? If him coming home at a variable time just before bed is too exciting, could he come in quietly at a consistent time instead?

Not liking your child sometimes isn’t concerning. They’re really hard work. The whole reason babies are cute are so that humans feel obliged to care for them cos they’re so cute and sweet 😍 but that isn’t the end of it!

Little wins with them can make a big difference, giving them choices. You don’t like your top? Ok so left arm in first or right arm?
Dont want to wear your gloves when we go out in the cold? Ok but I’ll have them here for when you realise why (and ignore people who don’t have kids who judge you for your child not having gloves or hat in the cold 🙄 they’ll survive!)

Thank you all for the advice and empathy. It’s just so hard isn’t it? Now feeling like a terrible mum, she’s gorgeous and so loving and smart. It’s a me problem at the moment, not a her problem and I always remember this.

Ive had a good cry to DH.

🤣 I was totally one of those moms feeling so guilty when my 15mo wasn't wearing a hat in the cold. But I just got to the point where I thought don't care what people think, toddler isn't going to wear a hat if he doesn't want to, unless I could somehow glue it to his head😆