Feeling guilty-did I ruin it all

[dibzylove]

Hiya

So, first time ive had my daughter (9 years old) for xmas in 5 years plus. (had been through court to see my kid etc first court order stated I got to see her once a month and that's it. Went back July this year and got monthly contact, 2xweekly calls as well as shared holidays so this was the 1st holiday share so far)

I had a general idea of what to expect.. But at times my mind ran away (little one wanted to watch her tablet at times and I felt I wasn't doing good enough etc but do understand that sometimes even kids need 20 mins here and there to chill)
It got to 2 days before dropping her home... I'd seemed to have gathered stains and marks all over furniture etc. Something I know realise I should have expected more of and been more relaxed about. She generally made a mistake and knocked a drink over in the bedroom (tiny flat so was trying to use all the space possible through out the bad weather days) and I panicked it was going to pour on the mattress so I shouted "not on the matter3ess" not directly at her.. But as silly as it sounds.. At the coke bottle haha. I then turned and told her we can't play these rough games and we need to go in the living room. Little one took this to heart and it took me a bit of time explaining that I wasn't trying to shout at her or tell her off but rather shouting at the drink and what I said to her should have been better said. This bits eaten me up a lot and I feel bad. I had told her I possibly couldn't get down for a month or 2 while I sort the stained things or replace them... And I really should not have said that. I have apologised like a crazy ass person (like 900 times and asked her if she's ok about it a lot and she says it's fine)

Today.. I had to tell her to stop being so rough and rude. She was kicking and pretending to spit at me. So I told her if she continues she wouldn't be able to have her tablet etc when she got home. Again. This really updet her. While I understand kids do need a firm talking too sometimes.. I just feel that I shouldn't have. Not seeing her that often and when I do she's usually a gem never naughty etc. She also fell on the esculator (was fine) but I kind of judged her slightly for it. I feel we were both drained at this point and even if I had been amazing about it something would have happebwd

Everyone says she seems happy etc and she does wanna come back for a holiday with me etc. I just feel like I've ruined xmas and I'm a seriously sh**ty ass parent. I worry I've really bothered her.

I've not long spoken to her.. About an hour ago. She seems happy. She's asked what we are doing next time I see her.

Tell me str8. Nothing bothers me as much as how I feel about it right now.

Am I over thinking? Yes I no it's bad.. How can I repair this? I absolutely feel like a terrible parent who shouldn't be allowed around kiddie. She can have so much better and I'm just a waste of space idiot who should have done better. It's hours later.. And I feel worse than horse shite.

Kids make a mess and spill things so not sure what you were expecting. I don’t think you should have told her you won’t be able to see her for a few months due to her spillages - surely you could just clean them up.
Also she fell down and you judged her? What does that mean?
However, kids are very forgiving and she obviously wants a relationship with you so I don’t think you ruined things.

It seems like you are giving yourself a hard time. Focus on how to make the best of next time you see her rather than dwelling in the bis that didn't go well. All that will do is make you feel bad. Put your energy in working out how to make the next visit go well, I don't mean by planning each detail but how can you be in a headspace to be relaxed and limit stress. What expectations do you need to lower. Etc.

It's fine! Maybe the bit about not being able to see her because of the mess wasn't great but it's all good. My DS was mucking about in Christmas Day and knocked over a drink and I shouted, more at the glass than him. Totally normal reaction. I also wouldn't have been massively sympathetic if he'd fallen in an escalator (and not hurt himself) especially if it was because he was messing around. Kids have accidents, we don't always react perfectly, life goes on!

Thanks. I guess when I have her at weekend... We get to do more as we have to make the most of it. We are barely at the hotel those 2 days we get together. So I did think we would be doing more together. I guess that was a lousy expectation to have for the long time we did get this time. Lesson learnt. Next time it's a case of being more relaxed etc

The mess bit... That's taught me my ocd is still far to high.. So it's back to sort that sort of the mental health out. Also spending so much time on my own at home (haven't had a single soul in my living space for the whole time of 5 years.. Was difficult too)
When I said I judged her... It came down to her not seeing the end of the emulator.. While me trying to remind her it's time to get off her starting to turn around(unsure why she started to put her back to the end of esculator) so I did say "you shouldn't have turned and it was nearly the end and should have listened/looked"

Plenty to learn here. Plenty to stress.. I know now what I need to do better etc

You're overthinking. But that's a good thing because it shows how seriously you're taking this opportunity to build a relationship with your DD.

I don't know the circumstances of why you didn't see her for so long and I wouldn't encourage you to post them here because you sound quite vulnerable still. No judgment from me about any of it - the past is the past, you can't change it, you can only learn from it. If you had to go to court to resume a relationship with DD though, presumably she has a social worker. Had the SW given you any advice? Arranged a parenting course? Could you request help?

I think a first step is to decide what kind of parent you want to be and what your limits are. It's really important you realise that offering love and fun to a child does not mean an absence of boundaries. It's perfectly okay to tell a child no and enforce consequences for things like hitting/spitting/throwing food etc. But you need to have a plan on what to do if 'no' doesn't work so things don't escalate. Better still, try to direct things so you don't need to interrupt a bad behaviour in the first place. The SW can help you with this.

Children need boundaries. When they are enforced with love and respect, without fear or withdrawal of love, they make children feel safer and more loved. Try to read up about authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting. Another good recommendation is "How to talk so kids will listen".

Well done on getting this far. Concentrate on the positives. You were able to talk to your DD and explain. Many parents can't do that. Your DD wants to see you again. Don't beat yourself up. It's wasted energy. Learn from it instead. What would you do differently next time? How could you have prevented it? Practice reflective learning and ask for help where you need it.

Good luck!

Do you have diagnosed OCD? If so, it sounds like you're ruminating. Do you have any support with your OCD?

It was never a case of not seeing her but understand how it might seem.

I had a breakdown in 2018. I knew something wasn't right.. And knew what could happen. So handed over to dad so she wouldn't learn from it. Shortly after this.. Dad went for living rights but in turn said about he wants contact between me and little one.. Which I also wanted... And that's how we are here. Things wasn't really working with the first don't order sue to dad not sticking to it so I went back to court to sort it.. And got more contact of sorts which is amazing.
We did briefly have ss at the start of all of this but we're signed off not long after the first court thing.

I've not realised there's a few other issues.. Which I'm going to be sorting once I know services are back up and running in the new year. Ocd and paranoid thoughts about ruining things etc.

Yes.. And I find I do runinate a lot.. It sucks. So time to get back to therapy!! Thanks everyone xx

Good luck!

Get some v old furniture that you are happy to be ruined, cos kids do ruin stuff

have a few ground rules like no drinks upstairs, no drinks in the bedroom. White drinks only! She’s too little for coke anyway xx

I had told her I possibly couldn't get down for a month or 2 while I sort the stained things or replace them...

Sort yourself out then see your dd. Don't keep letting her down. It doesn't take that long to replace things. Don't pass on your mh issues to her.

Could you do a parenting course to help you feel more confident in your parenting skills. Incredible years or Solihull are both good.

When have I let her down before now hellsbells?

Hi everyone. I've just finished filling out forms for 2 parenting courses in my area. I also plan on speaking to my mental health team next week (at appointment face to face) to see if they have any courses I can go on or any other support they can give me around therapy etc.

Feeling a little bit more put together this morning and of course, just like last night... Know that I'm the issue so plan on fixing that. I guess it's just taken the long 10 days for me to realise that there's still a few things that need ironing out etc.

Those that left nice comments etc thanks a whole bunch. It did help a lot! Gave me the kick I needed so thanks for being so understanding and helpful!! Much love xxx