I gave birth 2 weeks ago to my second son. I have a 2 year old little boy who is wonderful and a whirlwind of chaos and a newborn who is calm and quiet and adored by his big brother. The past few days though I’m struggling and I feel awful about how I’m feeling.
Throughout my second pregnancy every old wives tale would have suggested I was having a girl. My pregnancy was very different to my first. I’ve always imagined having a boy and a girl and I guess I convinced my self number 2 was a girl. My first pregnancy I was worried I’d be disappointed with a boy but the moment he was born I forgot all of that, I had also been convinced he was a boy which may have made the transition a little easier. My seconds birth was fast and intense and my overwhelming memory is the disappointment I felt when I discovered I’d had an another boy. It didn’t seem real or right I was so sure I was going to have a daughter the whole thing was such a blur and I remember thinking I’d wake up and I’d still be pregnant. The next day I felt ok though and had been feeling a little sad about the little girl that won’t be but mainly fine. I do love both my babies and was settling into being a family of 4. The past 2 days I just want to cry constantly.
It’s numerous things and I think may be baby blues or possibly PPD. Firstly I’m grieving the daughter I never had and I don’t think we will try again for numerous reasons I’m really struggling with the idea I won’t have a daughter. I know logically this is stupid that sex means nothing etc but I don’t have many friends and I’m incredibly close to my own mother and thought I would have a similar relationship with my own daughter one day. I also haven’t had much contact from friends this time, I know people will be busy given time of year etc but it’s making me feel even more lonely and enforcing the feeling of sadness and not having that mother daughter bond. I also feel absolutely awful that I feel like this. That my second son isn’t the miracle and delight I felt after my first born. That I could be so ridiculous to be upset by the fact he is a boy. I’m worried I’ve not bonded as quickly as I feel down about his gender and I hate myself for thinking this way. I also really miss my first son. Breastfeeding and baby doesn’t want to be put down much means DH been doing everything for DS1 and he now shouts for dad when he wakes in the night and I’m so sad he doesn’t want me.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any advice re gender disappointment and how to get over it? Is this just baby blues and mad hormones? How can I get a grip and enjoy my wonderful sons? Went out today and cried when I saw a little girl in the baby change area and when I saw all the girls clothes in next while exchanging something. I feel so stupid but don’t know how to get over this.