Daughter dad not seen her in 3 years

[4658Lou]

we are estranged from my ex husband my 15 year old daughter is adoptive to my ex husband since she was 1 year old she is my biological daughter she has not seen her dad in 3 years since I divorced him, it appears he wasn’t interested in a relationship since the marriage ended maybe because she was apoptive even though she was treated as our child together - he just decided not to be involved anymore I tried to encourage a relationship but this just didn’t work - his side of the family distanced themselves too and we haven’t seen them but the grandma keeps sending birthday money/gifts and every year it’s a reminder that my daughter was effectively abandoned, this grandma doesn’t mention anything about seeing my daughter she just sending gifts but the other grandparents don’t - it confuses me. Is this one grandma doing this to make herself feel better? Because she knows were I live she knows how to contact me if she wants to see her but chooses not to but keeps sending yearly gifts

‘Bump’ x

It's either an attempt to rid herself of guilt. She can always say, "I sent gifts for birthdays and Xmas" without actually making any other effort to maintain a relationship. It could also be that your ex has told her not to get involved. Maybe she feels awkward or embarrassed to get in touch.

As shit as it is, they've made their choice not to be involved with your DD and ultimately it's their loss.

@Illpickthatup i do think my ex husband has told his family not to be involved with daughter as cruel as it is. He said he didn’t want the involvement with me so couldn’t see his daughter… I tried to arrange that he never has to see me she is old enough to maintain her own contact with family member through he mobile which everyone has, I even went to court to try to arrange child contact so he never had to see me and there was a official court order to say that but when he was offered it he declined - the court even mentioned that the family members should maintain a meaningful relationship with daughter but we just literally never heard from them again. What could he have possibly said to have everyone turn their back on my daughter? And even if something was said what justification would it be to turn their back on my daughter…but obviously one grandma has guilt or shame or whatever it is enough to keep sending yearly gifts for birthday and Christmas. It brings up raw emotion from 3 years ago and I just wanted to chat about it

I have moved on but it still
hurts that they did that to a child

Your exH sound like a total arse. He obviously couldn't have cared that much about your DD in the first place. My DH has raised my stepson since the age of 2/3. He split with his ex 3.5 years ago and from the get to had 50/50 custody. SS is now 16 and lives with us full time.

We have to have contact with the ex because DH also has a 5yo with her but with SS he just goes directly to him. Your ExH is just making excuses because it sounds better than admitting he's just not interested in maintaining a relationship.

Also, have you spoken to the gran who's sending gifts. Maybe let her know that it's upsetting your DD to receive these gifts as it's a reminded of the family who abandoned her. Maybe try and get to the bottom of why she hasn't made any other attempt to connect with your DD.

Why did you split up?

I'm cynical but I think men don't think of step kids as theirs they put up with them because they want the mum. I know he adopted your child but did you suggest that or him? My ex basically raised my son from age 1 with me and they had an amazing bond. When we were splitting up he said he wanted to keep the relationship then he dumped us all his step son and biological son and after a few months of that he comes back wanting contact with his biological child but not step son. So hurtful. But I don't think half the time men think of the children's feeling it's just their own

A scary number of men never see their kids again - and these are men with a genetic link. Whilst legally he is her parent, he cannot be made to have a relationship with her, nor can her grandparents on his side.

I'd probably suggest to dd that if she finds the gifts painful to receive, that she is welcome to return them, with your support on fielding any comments or messages that arise from it.

the grandma keeps sending birthday money/gifts and every year it’s a reminder that my daughter was effectively abandoned,

It is likely the grandma is sending them for the opposite reason - to show she isn't forgotten - and her father has invented shit about you to explain why none of his family members should see or talk to her.

Unfortunately until your DD is 18, so an adult, it is unlikely the grandma will reveal any of the shit her son has said. Plus your DD will have to approach the woman on her own.

I know fathers with adoptive and step kids who have not abandoned them when they split with their ex. (In fact in a few cases the kid live/lived with them.)

On the other hand some people are just horrible people.

@Illpickthatup i can try that but I don’t think she will respond because she hasn’t made effort to contact my daughter in 3 years just sending the gifts for Christmas and birthdays it’s funny why the other grandparents don’t send anything but this one other grandma does?

@PurpleBugz i was ill and he basically wasn’t good to me so we divorced, as divorces are it wasn’t nice or pretty but I said to put all that aside and treat the relationship with daughter as separate I never stood in the way of that he just decided one day that he wasn’t going to be involved with daughter because of me he didn’t want to see me even though I said he never had to see me.
that’s awful that happened to your children what did the step child think of that situation? X

the idea of adoption was both of us I can’t remember how it came up it was just a natural progression as daughter had always called my then husband ‘dad’ my ex at the time had even wrote his own ‘statement’ to the the adoption court a document all about his feelings towards our daughter I never told him to say any of those things - if you read you would think wow what a good dad / I think that’s what is more upsetting because of the show he made in the court how much he loves DD.
now with the abandonment and getting these gifts off grandma once a year at Christmas and at birthdays it’s just a painful reminder for me and daughter it actually spoils our Christmas etc because then we can’t stop thinking about it

My ex mil does the same thing. Money at Christmas and birthday and nothing else. I tell my daughter to accept this with glee, as it’s the only thing she’ll ever get from them and it’s to her benefit. She has just bought a jacket with the £50 this christmas. Who cares why it’s being sent? It makes no difference but it benefits your child for them to receive something. When I look at all the maintenance ex got away with, all the gifts he never bought, everything my dd missed out on - I accept what the ex mil sends as a small token towards that. It won’t ease her guilt, both my dd and I know they never bothered.

@mamacorn1 im sorry to hear about them not seeing her but that’s a good way to look upon it that it’s something to benefit and use the money to buy something. When you say it doesn’t ease her guilt do you think that’s why they do it? If they never bothered why would they feel they have to send money for Christmas and birthdays etc? X

Yes maybe she doesn’t believe what ever he has said? But what could he possibly say to make his family stay away from my daughter? He may have called me abusive or I have stopped him seeing daughter. I never stopped him and towards the end of marriage it wasn’t pleasant but I wouldn’t class it as full on abusive if he thought I was that bad why would he abandon the child he said he loves to a ‘abusive’ person ironically a few days before he was seeing daughter everything was fine we was talking to each politely and arranged for him to see daughter possibly later that week when I received an email saying he will not see daughter again.

You’re right some people are just horrible it could just be because of that. The memories get brought up and the feeling of it all. I was left to pick up the pieces and really try to provide a stable loving single household while trying buff the abandonment by providing security x

@Reugny my last comment is in response to your comment x