My 20 month old has refused almost every nap for the past few weeks and I'm really pissed off about it

[INeverGetABream]

When she was younger she'd only nap for half an hour unless it was a contact nap. I loved the snuggles but very often wished I could be hands free / baby free for a few hours a day like all the other mums I knew. Even pushing her in a pram would only give me thirty minutes. That being said she's always slept fantastically at night so I guess I can't have all my cake.

About two months ago, maybe less, she started napping in her cot for 1.5 hours. I could even lay her down awake and she'd put herself to sleep! I'm quite sure her starting nursery had something to do with it. It was heaven, I could nap myself, I could do housework, I could play games, I could stare into the void but I had alone time!

Come two weeks ago, the nursery report they couldn't get her to nap. The next day she napped thirty minutes. And then next day 45 minutes.

Then on her day off she didn't nap for us so we did an early bed time. The next day she did nap. Then yesterday and today it just didn't happen. She wakes around 7.30am every day, and we tried her nap yesterday at 1pm. Today we tried it at 1.30pm and she was just wide awake, giggling, chatting, sometimes whingeing. I tried to rock her to sleep the old fashioned way but she kept pushing away from me to have a chat.

We've tried implementing quiet time, putting a sleepy video on the TV and snuggling on the sofa but she lasts about five minutes of this before getting up to play with her toys. On the days she doesn't nap, from around 3.30pm she is a mess. Bumping into things, losing her patience with her toys, refusing food.

Bedtime is the same every day, no exceptions. If she hasn't napped it starts at 6.30pm, bath, pyjamas, bottle, bed. If she has napped it starts at 7pm. And then she sleeps through till 7.30am. As I said she's always slept so well at night, regardless of whether she naps or not, we never really had sleepless nights, we may have had to go in four or so times when she's poorly but that's about it. We did Ferber around 7 months too.

On her days off from nursery, I take her out in the morning and let her run around as much as possible. We head to the park but I let her out of her pram when we reach the woods before the park and we walk the rest of the way, and then we play at the park, have some lunch and head home. Even this hasn't been enough to tire her out lately!

Her naps have always been a post partum rage trigger for me, I'm ashamed to add. Just hearing her giggle and chat and be obviously not tired, while I'm sitting here in the dark patting and shushing her and singing softly like a mug, makes me so angry for some reason. And then I'm more ashamed to say, when I give up I say you're being very naughty. Just be a tired mess then, that's your fault for not napping! And I'm not proud of it at all and I'd be very angry if I heard another family member say that to her if I'm honest.

Her dad and I don't have any outside help, apart from the nursery we pay for, four days a week. So we really value our breaks, which up until now were nap time and bed time. I always suspected she'd drop naps earlier than most kids but I didn't think it'd happen so soon after her seemingly mastering cot naps.

So now I've been short with my partner and short with my toddler because she's clearly not tired enough to nap. But she's too tired to not be a grumpy goblin till bed time. I just needed to vent because honestly I'm not sure there's anything I can do to fix it. At least when she's at nursery the nap fight is their problem I guess...

This phase as they drop their naps but still need them most days is tricky.

Could put her to bed later and get her up earlier and reinstate the naps. So think carefully about which you prefer - the long nights or shorter ones.

You can put her in the cot awake with toys and books for quiet time and leave her.

Okay, that sounds like sleep regression to me, as you describe her as cross and tired in the mid afternoon. Mine went through this at about 22mo when he refused to nap - I took him out in the buggy every single day so he had some daytime sleep, because I was 100% convinced he wasn't ready for no nap. He got over the phase after a couple of weeks, then two months later actually did start to drop his nap. But then he wasn't a grumpy mess and he did absolutely fine with no nap; he was genuinely ready at that point.

You know your daughter best, so trust your instincts and decide if it is a regression or if she is genuinely ready to drop her nap.

My son is coming up on 2 and a half, and he only naps half the week now. It's a bit of a judgement call if he goes to bed or not each day.

Some kids drop naps early. Mine was under 2 when he dropped naps completely. It's very frustrating but you can't do much about it if she won't sleep. You need to stop getting annoyed with her about it too, she can't control it.

Could be a drop in sleep needs. 7pm until 7.30am is 12.5hrs, a lot for most, which may be all the total sleep she needs in a day now? In which case I'd probably suggest to wake her earlier and then try a nap of around an hour? If you're getting that amount unbroken at night to be honest I think you're doing pretty well!

My ds dropped his naps at 18 mo. I still used to put him in his cot for 30 mins after lunch with a calm audiobook playing and a drink of milk in his cup for quiet time. Rarely he would drift off, but he did play happily and enjoy the calm time.

I actually found it useful as I didn't have to plan days out around naps or a ragey toddler.

Not all children are the same, if your baby if sleeping happily at night and is pleasant enough during the day then I think you will just have to accept that they don't need a nap anymore.

DS1 was the same and dropped them completely at twelve months.

It’s SO SO awful and I hear you about the rage. But I promise it will not always be like this. There is nothing you can do to change it, so you have to keep as much sanity as you can. Mine would watch a film in bed while i lay down and rested too or just stared at my phone for a break. It was so annoying! But I knew it was a stage we had to go through and in 6 months things would be different. Good luck!

Oh and regards the grumpy goblin stage. We used to do early tea time (4pm ish) followed by a long bath (as long as he'd play happily). Then pjs and supper, followed by teeth brush and into bed for 7pm with a story.

I found feeding him his main meal nice and early meant meal times were less stressful and dh and I would eat once he was asleep.

You say you have no breaks without naps but 4 days of nursery seems a decent break!

My youngest dropped naps completely at 12 months. I was genuinely gutted. I was in an abusive marriage and that hour enabled me to reset my sanity. I often did absolutely nothing during nap times and I loved it! However, you just need to accept that's your new routine now. Maybe you can adjust things at either end of the day instead?

Also, I hear you with the rage. I still feel it now when I'm putting the youngest to bed (age 6). Now I'm a single parent that works full time in an emotionally draining job, I need those couple of hours me time on a night so when I'm sitting in his room for an hour at a time I do get quite pissed off. If I don't, he will mess around and disturb the others in the house by running around completely hyper.

Another one whose DD dropped naps under the age of 2. Very similar actually in that she often only napped for around 40 mins (longer if contact napping), had a brief spell of longer cot naps after starting nursery & then dropped them completely! It is incredibly frustrating when they resist naps but like others say you can’t force them to sleep. When I had pnd it really made me angry too. Sounds like you’ve tried lots of different things at home & maybe see how she gets on at nursery.

Both mine stopped naps at 18 months. One had been fighting for a couple of months at it was quite a relief to give in and accept they weren't going to happen as it was really stressful trying to get him down.
The other went from having 3 he naps every day to saying the next day that she no longer wanted a nap - and that was that! Bit of a shock 😁