DH calling our daughter an idiot

[Needtobestrongxx]

I’m so so pissed off, my 9 year old just broke one of her Xmas gifts, a little gymnastics ribbon for context so nothing expensive. My husband’s completely overreacted, shouted at her and called her an idiot.

is there ever a reason/what are peoples boundaries for this sort of reaction? I get he was annoyed but Jesus, what a huge overreaction. He’s had therapy before for anger management as has behaved this way in the past. I’m livid I just don’t think this is okay, am I overreacting?

That’s awful. You are not overreacting. The way you speak to children will stay with them forever.

I had someone tell n I was ‘useless’ and say ‘you’ll never amount to anything’. I was between 14-19. I haven’t seen him for 30 years and I still hear his words.

He called her an idiot in anger. You’re not over reacting

You're not overreacting. If you do nothing she'll remember you chose her bully of a father over her wellbeing. I know it's harsh and I don't want to be unkind to you. But as a child I had a similar dynamic and it was awful.

Nope. He needs to sit down with her for a proper apology, and to explain why his reaction was all about him and absolutely not about her. Poor kid. He really needs to reflect on why an accident with her own possession triggered him so much.
My DH would have been straight over with sympathy and promising a new one on Amazon asap so probably too far the other way!

Absolutely not overreacting. Girls learn what treatment to expect from men from their fathers. I have pulled my DH up short with this information before and in your shoes I would insist your DH gets more therapy.

You are not overreacting. Words can hurt, especially from a parent. What will you do about it now?

YANBU. Did he calm down, apologize and explain why it's not okay and he'll work to make sure it doesn't happen again? That's the only way to fix this. It does teach children that adults are human, not perfect, how to apologize well, conflict resolution, etc. It's actually very important, as most people don't teach their kids this, they prefer to pretend adults are perfect and all knowing, which is why so many adults dont know how to resolve issues or apologize. If your DH can't do that he's got a serious problem and your DD shouldn't be subjected to his verbal abuse.

No you're not overreacting. I would have strongly challenged this immediately and in front of DD and asked him to apologise. If he was actually threatening and aggressive then I'd have asked him to leave the house. She needs to see that he is wrong and that she is supported by you, without hesitation, when someone mistreats her. Any ideas about putting on a united front or not undermining the other parent go out of the window in situations like this. If the other parent is aggressive, inappropriate or abusive, you show your kids that this is not something you tolerate.

Is this something he does often? What is he doing to address his anger issues now? Because this isn't a proportional reaction.

@flowerchild2000 yes he’s said he was unreasonable and apologised to her but I suspect only after I went to town on him. If idve said nothing I don’t think he wouldn’t acknowledged it on his own.

he’s been drinking tonight and she also had another toy taken off her earlier because she wasnt playing safely with it, and he managed that fine so I suspect it’s because he’s had a few drinks. But every time he goes into this mode he shouts loudly. I’ve told him I’ve got no problem her being disciplined but it’s bullying behaviour to raise his voice like that, it shows he’s loosing control of the situation.

pissed me off as he was wonderful yesterday. It’s like I have 2 versions of him and this version I absolutely hate.

It sounds more like an alcohol problem then maybe?

@Marmaladegin @MrsMiagi im going to suggest more therapy for him, it’s just not normal behaviour/reaction in my eyes and it 1. Really rattles me so I can’t sit by and not say anything and 2. It’s just not how I want to parent our kids

He may have to agree to not drinking at home, around the kids as it obviously has a very negative affect on him. What was his dad like?
He possibly comes from a shout family which is totally not on for yours.

@junebirthdaygirl yep his dad is totally the same, speaks to his mum like absolute crap. Not drinking around the kids is a good idea.

Brilliant you defended your dd and that dh apologised. Alot of people parent how they were parented and don't see the damage it causes . Making your daughter feel ashamed for anything is not OK he needs to recognise that. Agree drinking won't help as it lowers your awareness

When you are having a conversation with him going forward, you could say that name calling is to be completely banned in the house as it has no place in any respectful relationship.