Why do my kids only play up at my strict parents house?!

[Ahbegyuhpardun]

OK...
So my parents are authoritarian, very adult centric (boozy and lots of expensive items in the house). My in laws are more laid back and the children are more of a part of the get together.
Plus to be fair there are more children on my in laws side. My kids are the only kids on my side.

Today we went to my sisters new house, we were invited for a late lunch but agreed to just pop over for an hour before as it's easier with the kids. And everything is brand new and they're very house proud so can't tolerate the kids even touching items. Which is fine, no issue with that but it's not relaxing rallying to keep a 1 and 4 year old completely still for anything more than about 45mins! Even with toys brought etc.

Today my 4 year old managed to get his toy snake stuck in my mother's hair and it nearly scalped her (motorised wheels at the bottom). The frustrating thing is, my brother in law had told him the day before not to put it over people's heads repeatedly and explained why. So I went straight into panic mode, and shouted. Then thankfully managed to untangle all her hair from the snake! By which time he said sorry but it was so petulant it didn't land well (he's 5 in 1 month so not a young 4).
Me and my husband then get a telling that he needs to take responsibility for his actions now or never (at 4?). I agree he definitely needed to show more empathy but I didn't help by panicking and shouting.
Anyway... The day before at my in laws they'd played and been absolutely marvellous. But it's always with my parents, who are strict and make me on edge that this kinda thing happens at!!
Anyone else?! And at what age do you expect a heartfelt apology? He did do a really good apology in the end after a chat and a clam down on his own but by that point my mum had brooded over what lecture she was going to give him so much that she didn't even hear it 😭.
I do feel bad for her though it was a nasty tangle and her hair is fine enough as it is, and she had a headache so could have done without that drama.

It makes me not want to spend time with them. It's so stressful. And I think they think it's us. Like we can't take them anywhere, but it literally only ever happens with them.

Am I doing something wrong?!

I think it’s as straightforward as the kids are picking up on the stress and tension and reacting to it,

They are also probably confused as to why these people don't play with them and try to get their attention.

If your BiL had to tell him multiple times about the snake, but he had kept doing the things he was asked not to, he wasn't marvelous there either. It just shows up more in the more uptight household.

Yes, and I suspect there would have been a bit of a drama if he'd actually got it stuck in anyone's hair the day before, too - possibly a bit more good-natured/understanding but it would be a bit of a scene anywhere!

i agree with PP who said the kids have picked up on the tension in the atmosphere. I have had a similar scenario tbh with family who don't see my DC much versus those who do. In fact I am very tense myself around the ones who don't see the kids much as I'm expecting something to happen. It's crap. You have my solidarity. And there is nothing wrong with your 4 almost 5 yr old btw!

Sounds like a stressful environment. Who wants to be around authoritarian people!

They are little kids. They naturally want to play. They are curious and active. and that's completely normal.

Your relatives are unrealistic, they appear to be living in the age of 'seen & not heard' which is ridiculous. The best thing you can do is choose to meet up with them at your house or in a family-friendly cafe, and relax. They can keep their showhome for 'best'.

It's a mixture. The environment shows their behaviour not meeting unrealistic expectations more, but you also haven't picked up on the difficulties in the more relaxed environment. If my child had been told repeatedly not to use their toy a certain way the day before, they wouldn't have been allowed to bring that particular toy the next day. They would have been told to take a different toy that wouldn't give the same problem.

To be fair I don't think I wrote it too well. When I say repeatedly it was all in one incident. He tried putting it on his uncles head, was told no. Then tried putting it on his own head straight away twice and then my BIL showed him the wheels and explained it would hurt if it got caught. And that was that he didn't do it again.
I feel like we have pretty decent standards without expecting some sort of darth vader style control over them. So I'm always stressed that I've read us wrong and we actually have 2 tear aways and are obvious to it.
I don't want him to feel responsible for everyone's feelings like I was made to feel when I was young. But at the same time I want him to be developing some empathy and manners.

If you’re on edge they’ll know and that definitely impacts their behaviour.