4 month old - sleep & self settling

[12weeker]

My 4 month old doesn’t seem to have figured out what sleep is… he will be awake for hours on end unless I force him (by rocking and shhing) to sleep every 1.5 hours or so. Once asleep, he will only do 30-45 mins (one sleep cycle) for naps and typically has regular wakes at night where I feed him back to sleep. He clearly has sleep associations with rocking and feeding.

he has at times in the night self settled back to sleep so we tried some gentle sleep training last night but he just kept getting more worked up. We pretty much did pick up put down. I eventually fed him to sleep after an hour or so..

hes not got a routine, I just follow wake windows, as it’s just too hard when he can’t self settle at all or sleep for very long either.

I just wondered if anyone else has / had a baby who was similar and what you did that has worked?? I don’t want to do the sleep training and confuse him or even traumatise him if it won’t work!

This is abs normal at this age, my daughter did it and so did most of my friends babies. My daughter would only take a long nap if contact napping, pram, car etc.

I would say around 6-7 months my daughter started to nap for longer. By 5 months she started to self settle for naps but it was hit and miss, took a lot longer at night maybe 12 months. Wasn't always perfect.

Do you use white noise, do you put him to nap in a dark room etc? All these will help. I would recommend the book by Lucy Wolf. It's a gentle sleep training method called stay and support. It's based around putting them to nap at the optimal times so it's easier for them to drop off, it follows wake windows.

There is a sleep regression at 4 months that might be causing some issues for you x

Sounds completely normal. I went by babies cue until about 9 months. Their needs change so much at that age. I had a basic app to monitor sleep feeds and nappies and every week or so I would see what patterns there were in her habits.

At 4 months the only routine we had was we got up at 10 am and went to bed at 10pm. She spent 16-20h a day crying and screaming and my every waking moment was spent trying to keep her relatively calm or asleep. She fed every 90 minutes and spent 23h a day in my arms!!

Thanks everyone! Did you do anything in particular to get them to self settle eventually / nap longer? Or did this just happen with time?

At 5 months she started doing long naps but only if I was walking I did 2-3h a day's
At 9 months she started going down for a nap at home. She would contact nap on me and once settled roll on to the bed to be left.
Over night has been harder and she still doesn't self settle at 3. Our biggest battle for sleep is reflux and when she relapses any sleep progress gets completely trashed. Colds and teeth make her reflux worse as does growth spurts.

My DS is the same tbh (nearly 4months old). He naps for about 30mins at a time, whether that be contact.nap, cot nap, pram nap. He used to have two hour naps until a couple of weeks ago! I'm just putting it down to all the big brain changes he's going through and it will change again before I know it.

He typically goes to sleep between 8.30-10pm depending on when he stops crying and falls asleep as we rock him. He then might do 3 or 6 hour stretch and wake between 1 or 4 times a night. It's all over the place!

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say we're in the same boat and I reckon in the next few weeks it'll just keep changing. We are going to start helping him with sleep associations and a better routine soon though and maybe some gentle sleep training when he's around 6months.

Sleep is developmental - this means it is a skill your baby will learn like walking, talking etc on their own timeline over the next two years. Sleep training does not teach a baby to sleep. It teaches a baby not to bother you when they wake up. Babies are supposed to wake for milk and for comfort. Your baby is totally normal (ie because you live in a modern Western society you find it inconvenient/have unreasonable expectations of your baby acting like an adult and going to sleep alone).

A nap of 20 mins or more is restorative. Long naps aren't necessary. If your baby is a little and often sleeper that's fine.

I used the huckleberry app for the awake windows and that Lucy Wolf book. At about 4/5 months started getting her to nap in her cot where possible. X

Your baby in perfectly normal. Keep reacting to baby's needs, give baby love, cuddles, milk to fall asleep. Don't sleep train, baby will learn in time how to self-settle. It may take a few more months, or maybe a few years. Every child is different.

Also take a look at Lyndsey hookway on Instagram - she has some amazing info on babies and sleep to reassure you x

Totally normal. My 5 month old is all over the place still. Naps can be anything from 20 minutes to 2.5 hours and sometimes he wakes hourly overnight. My eldest got more of a routine at about 8 months, basically when on 2 naps and 3 meals. Around then he started linking sleep cycles together overnight, but not consistently. He didn’t sleep through until close to 1. He sleeps like an absolute champ now age 3!

Lucy Wolf changed my life. So glad I found her on my first baby (it’s not ‘sleep training’, no cry-it-out). Get organised and into a proper routine - although this sounds pretty normal for 4 mo.

Issue is it’s so hard to get him into any form of routine when he fights sleep sooo much and only naps for such a short time! I don’t want to waste energy on that it’ll cause so much stress (have previously tried..).

We did everything we weren’t supposed to! No cot naps, fed to sleep, picked him up instantly. From 10m he started to do 8-5ish and has been pretty solid since then (a few phases of poor sleep due to teething, moving house etc). I think being responsive NOW sets you up for an easier future. My little one is 2.5years now and loves his sleep!

But why do you want/need a routine? I’ve never understood the need or desire for a routine with tiny babies but maybe I’m missing something 😂

i fed to demand and DD just napped when she felt like napping. We did baby classes at all different times of day and she fell asleep wherever we were.

DD had her first non car/post feed/not on my chest nap at 16 weeks and I remember being shocked 😂 then she just gradually did it more and more.

This was me too 😂 also co slept at night. She’s now 2.5 in her own room and 90% of the time sleeping through on her own 8-6. I get in with her if she wakes which tends to be if it’s really cold or she is poorly.

You’re getting way too stressed, sorry. Your baby is completely normal and behaving as they should at this age.
short daytime naps? Entirely normal until 12 months of age.
being fed or rocked to sleep (preferably fed at this age)? Completely normal. Still
also normal at 12-16 months of age.
Stop putting pressure on yourself and your baby to establish routines and stop sleep associations. You will just cause more crying for both you and your baby than is necessary. You don’t need a routine at 4mo. You will be far happier if you just go with it

I think you’re right I need to chill out about it, just hard when people around us are doing all these things you think you need to be doing too! But going to listen to my gut which is just keep going with the flow for a bit longer and see what happens over the next couple of months. He just seems worse than all the babies around him but this has made me think he’s not so bad after all

I felt exactly the same and I did stress over it but then one day I just decided to follow my own instincts and ignore the Instagram sleep doctors and the people who would text at 7am going over how their night had gone! 🙈
Just remember you are your baby’s expert and you’re doing everything right xx

Yes definitely just go with the flow. This is classic first child sleep stress. I swear everyone is the same. They grow up so quickly, do not waste time trying to 'fix' sleep. Things get gradually better with time. Everything is just a phase. Lean into it. Congratulations on your tiny precious baby. 4 months is really so so little.

Both my babies have been like this at this stage.
They get better with time and as they get older you can gently push them into doing it a bit more themselves. You sound like you're doing a great job, I wasted way too much time stressing about this type of thing with my first baby. Enjoy the tiny baby snuggles.

All 3 of mine have been like this, I find 3-4 months hard for this reason. Just keep following wake windows, if naps are less then 45mins take a little off the next ww as it's not a full nap and don't be afraid of an early bedtime! I've always fed mine to sleep at bedtime and they do figure out self settling. For naps I either feed them to sleep or push them round in the pram. One of the best tips I had was 'le pause', really advise looking it up. I'm lying next to my 3rd baby (4 months old) who has woken a few times this evening, but I given him a couple of minutes and he's resettled himself each time.

Going with your gut is great and also good is following the path of least resistance at this age. Your baby will “get” sleeping eventually even if it’s awful now. You can’t really fix him, he might just be a bad sleeper.. though at 4 months most babies are awful sleepers. Just feed him, rock him, do what works, let him nap in the pram and on you while you watch TV. I don’t think I had much success putting a baby down in a cot for longer than 30 minutes at this age. It’s just how they are. It does get better