Hi all
is there anyone else who is triggered by their child’s birthday due to the trauma of their birth??
I have been diagnosed with ADHD and my emotional regulation is already out of whack but my child’s birthday really pushes me to crisis point.
For context (and possibly TMI),I suffer from PCOS, have found it difficult to fall pregnant and when I did fall pregnant it has almost always ended in miscarriage before 10 weeks.
With my only successful pregnancy, I was in latent labour between 10pm and 8am every night for over a week until full labour kicked in.
At my 37 week midwife appointment (because of my low iron stores level) she said to me “if you start bleeding we wont be able to stop you” which ultimately came true.
I basically had my “bloody show” at around 9pm and didn't stop bleeding until I was sown up after an emergency episiotomy.
I had dreamed of the water birth and being midwife led but as soon as i arrived at hospital after the “bloody show” which was more like repeated golf ball size blood clots, I was whipped off to the doctor led suite due to concerns with me, baby and blood loss.
I managed to labour until fully dilated however vividly remember standing up from my hospital bed and just dripping blood on the floor.
Unfortunately, I pushed for two hours but my DC head was not straight enough to full come down the birth canal and as we were both stressed and i was still losing blood i was given a spinal block and rushed to theatre.
i don’t remember much from the theatre room other than me being unable to push hard enough or the first doctor being able to reposition my DC head.
I remember lying there listening to my baby's heart rate dropping and dropping until it reached 64 and i could hear my baby father shouting “they're dying” “someone do something now” and the senior doctor shoved the first doctor out the way, told me if i didn't push as hard as i could now i might lose my baby so i had to give it my all, and him reaching elbow deep into my womb and dragging my baby out who was then rushed away to be treated.
I led there in shock absolutely traumatised and hadn’t realised I was also dying. My heart rate had dropped dangerously low and I was haemorrhaging blood (my babys dad says it was like a fountain, like they’d hit an artery) on top of what i’d already lost during labour.
I also gave birth during COVID so the loneliness only added to the trauma.
For the first 3 days of my baby's life I ddin’t sleep out of fear if i closed my eyes I would wake up to him dead. Like i was living on borrowed tome because he didn’t die in childbirth i’d lose him eventually.
At 6 weeks post birth I was diagnosed with post natal depression, anxiety and OCD. Although i’m doing a lot better with these I still can’t pay nip inside the garage to pay for my petrol as i have obsessive compulsive thoughts that the petrol station will blow up if I leave my child in the car whilst i’m inside.
The weeks leading up to my child's birthday are triggering for me and the day even more so. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably thinking about the events of X years ago today.
Please tell me i’m not the only one scared by whats supposed to be the happiest day of my life???