What does good parenting of a reception age child look like?

[LadyoftheLavaLamp]

I know it’s a odd title and depends on the child as an individual etc…

The reason I ask though, is that I feel like I’m struggling with this stage - DS seems to be getting so big and independent all of a sudden, which is great obviously from an objective standpoint. But I feel like I’m being too babyish or controlling about some things, expecting too much self sufficiency for others, and generally being inconsistent and finding it hard to get right. He’s so lovely and a wonderful boy. My own parenting wasn’t a great example with a mother who was immature and emotionally unstable, her approach often age inappropriate, very controlling in some areas and weirdly lax in other (important/dangerous!) ones, and dad not really interested or involved.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated!

Lots of encouragement.
Give clear expectations and boundaries frequently as they forget quickly.
Allowed to try risky activities in a safe way.
Parenting the child you have not the child you expected to have

What particular areas do you struggle with? If we were going to the park I might not helicopter parent but would clearly set out the boundaries IE not allowed past the goal post or the tree etc

Letting them be themselves and have fun but without bothering people (too much!)

This is an excellent question. I'm always wondering how to help them be independent and confident but also safe. I have no advice because my tendancy is to helicopter but I'll also be interested in the advice

Independence like brushing own teeth and using the loo. Getting dressed.

Boundary setting like bedtimes and limited screen times. Good manners.

consider these fundamentals to things about-
sleep
routines
sociability (play/sharing/making friends)
nutrition
exercise/movement and healthy activities

what’s important to you and her and how do you foster her development around these areas.

You l might find this interesting.

https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html

They need boundaries and structure

Lots of kindness and listening

One thing I always put into practice which I heard an elderly lady saying to Oprah on a podcast

Was to always smile or have a positive look on your face when your DC walk into the room

Do not look at them with disdain or roll your eyes etc

@Mirrormeback I love that, similarly if you do the school run not having your phone in your hand when you pick them up from school and bend down to their height so they run into your arms and tell them how glad you are to see them have a quick 2 min conversation face to face about their day goes along way to reconnecting and transitioning from school to home, then give them a snack to avoid that hangry after schoolness

ooh really interesting thread OP! I have an almost 4yo who will go to school in September and is currently in preschool. We try to do lots of time outside, free play, lots of building/duplo/lego type stuff, some writing/pen control/number recognition. Otherwise consistent boundaries, reasonable expectations (I think) but also remembering he is only 3 nearly 4.

You don't need to be a perfect parent, you know. That's not an achievable standard to hold yourself to.

Consistant routines and boundaries.

Lots of outside exercise.

As little screen time as possible - never in the morning and never open ended.

Say 7 positive things for every negative thing. Even if you end up saying 'You came down the stairs so sensibly!' or 'Thank you for not bothering your brother on his playmat!' Create a normality that they are a nice, kind, helpful child and that you notice and appreciate the good things they do.

Model apologising if you get something wrong.

Start some group activities - mini rugby or Beavers/Rainbows.

Keep building independent activities. Laying the table. Putting their dirty clothes in their basket. Putting toys away.

I could have written your post OP! I never feel like I'm doing it well tbh. My DC still seems to cry a lot and has big meltdowns which I wasn't expecting to still be the case at this age. Also now starting to just say flat out 'no' to things I've asked them to do and then will basically tantrum if I impose a consequence or push the issue. Then I don't know if I'm expecting too much and shouldn't have asked in the first place or what?!

One tip I learned on here and have tried to follow is to listen to them at this age when they are wittering on about something that you don't understand/care about. Show interest in the little things they tell you and they are lore likely to share the important things with you as they grow up. It has certainly worked well so far (DD is now 12) and the first thing she does when she gets in from school is tell me all the things that have happened at school. So vital to keep these channels open as they get older.
Agree with PP who said boundaries + bedtime. Both these things are essential and help prevent a lot of issues.
Feed a snack as soon as they get home from school.
Most of all enjoy the primary school years, they grow up so much in Yr 7 that primary already seems a distant memory.

A reception child is in flux and veers from being exhausted and overwhelmed one moment and confident and adventurous the next. Your parenting needs to be flexible to adapt to this.

So consistency and boundaries are good but you need to discern when a child is capable of learning from a situation and when they're just tired and overwrought and need sympathy rather than discipline. So sometimes they play up and need to be told it's unacceptable, other times they mainly need a cuddle if they're playing up.

Recognize that school is hectic and demanding and the main thing they need from you is comfort, stability and encouragement. So I think it's better not to overdo clubs and activities if your child is a bit tired out by school alone.

But really op, I don't know if trying to do better than your mother is the right way to think about it. Do you think she wasn't trying her best? Can you retrospectively forgive her, now you're an adult?

Dc4 is in reception (all close in age too). I think a previous poster makes a good point about not having your phone in hand at pick up, chat to them about their day using opening questions. Instead of how was your day? Ask did anything make you laugh today? I have boundaries with mine, very limited screen time, bedtimes on school nights, play, lots of fresh air and activity and be silly. I don’t do lots of activities out of school unless playing as mine always get to tired, grumpy & irritable learnt that with Dc1. Dc4 will go to Beavers & a sport but he will be yr1 due to birthday and less tired. Allow them to express emotions, talk about negative ones, outbursts etc as well as positive ones. Praise them lots too.

I had to dial my expectations way, way down when DS1 was in reception. Emotions grew enormous - angry, upset, sensitive. Boundaries - definitely. Careful handling of any change - letting him know what was coming, what would be different or the same. E.g. any talk of a day out I’d end with, “and then we will all come home together“.

Mine needed a lot of “babying”. Yes he could dress himself, but he needed that connection of one of us dressing him most mornings.

On a practical level, he came home starving every day. So a snack at pick up and dinner on the table within 20 mins of getting home. Any worries came out at bedtime, so I made sure to allow for that time. Also mine hates bringing up problems himself and needs me to say “was there anything bad today” - but that tactic certainly isn’t for everyone.

Now in year 1 he’s largely Mr Independent! Likes to have down time in his room on his own of an afternoon, etc.

Follow your child rather than having expectations - and that means following them in the moment not necessarily expecting consistency - and you won’t go far wrong.

I find it depends on the child! My first child is very quiet, gentle and anxious and obedient and needs loads of warmth and encouragement to get going, and I have to be careful not to tell her what to do too much because she will just obey and not think for herself.....my second is stubborn and strong willed, needs very firm consistent boundaries and I have to be quite tough on him....opposing parenting styles depending on the child.! It has been trial and error to get it right for each of them and for both it has been different to the way I was parented.
I found both of them got very tired when they started primary school and I would only realise when we reached the school holidays that some difficult behaviours were just tiredness, illness and everything being new.