At my wits end with DD (4)

[Naptrappedmummy]

Sorry this is going to be quite long. She used to be such an easy child but since turning 4 in the summer she’s been a nightmare. I suspect it’s to do with her brother being born earlier this year but he’s 9 months now and her behaviour is worse than ever.

It feels like she is only ever in 2 modes, wildly excitable or sobbing and tantrumming. I can’t leave her with the baby for even a minute as she makes a beeline for him straight away and plays with him roughly and makes him cry by shrieking with laughter in his face or pulling him over. If I calmly ask her to be gentle she ignores me, until I tell her off and then she bursts into tears and starts screaming.

Every mealtime is a battle, she used to be a great eater but is suddenly only picking at her meals, throwing food around or just bursting into tears and saying her meal is disgusting(?!). She could ask for a certain breakfast one day and when I bring it out the next, she will burst into tears and say she hates it. I’ve tried breezily ignoring but she’s small/skinny for her age and can’t really afford to skip meals.

She’s a liability out and about. Today was awful. I’m up all night with the baby and took them both to the library which involves walking along a narrow pavement next to a busy road. She was messing about as usual and almost fell over twice, I had to grab her. She started messing about again and was charging towards a pile of dog poo, so I grabbed her arm (more roughly than I should have but I felt so exhausted and stressed) and steered her around it. I burst into tears when I got home, I’ve never smacked her or been rough with her but it feels like every calm method I use just doesn’t work.

She’s just so demanding, she never seems to be in a calm mood pottering about and playing. She’s only ever upsetting the baby, climbing on furniture or shouting at us that she wants something.

Things I’ve tried: taking her out once a week for a hot chocolate or soft play (thought she might be jealous and wanting one-on-one time with me), praising good behaviour, time out in her bedroom, withholding treats.

Sounds really tough.

I think she’s likely still adjusting to the birth of her new brother. At 9 months old, the baby becomes less newborn, and the older child starts to realise they’re a real person and they’re here to stay! This can be quite emotionally hard going. Plus Christmas time, lots of excitement (which for young children feels very physiologically similar to anxiety).

I identify with a lot of what you’re saying. My nearly four year old going into these silly “messing about” moods too. They’re disregulated and they need the boundaries from their caregiver (which sounds like you’re absolutely doing) but they also need the opportunity to express how they feel about those boundaries (and - in reality - everything else) freely and with no punishment or judgement.

Welcome the screaming - let her let it all out. Show her you are there to listen not to try to change how she feels. Let her know you understand how it must be hard sometimes to have a brother, that sometimes she may not know how to manage those feelings and play a little rough - reassure her you’ll keep both her and her brother safe and you’ll be there to stop her when she needs. Janet Lansbury is excellent on this stuff.

Mine is also small, undernourished and picky - I’m trying not to sweat it! Give a multivitamin and she’ll come round, her body will tell her what she needs. Children have wildly different nutritional needs at this age so try not to compare with others.