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Original poster

Shouty parenting

36 replies

MummySS22 · 21/12/2023 17:29

I'm really not a shouty person or aggressive. Its not really in my nature. I'm usually quite calm and collected. But just recently my toddler has been pushing my buttons. He does the exact opposite of things I tell him not to do. Constantly touching things he knows he's not supposed to do. A simple "No, please done do that" is not suffice as he looks at me, laughs and carries on. I find myself spending the whole day bellowing "NOOOO" at the top of my lungs because it seems to be the only way he will listen to me. He is plain ignorant and honestly it must be genetic because his dad is just the same. I feel like a.horrible shouty parent because I spend all my time telling him off. Anyone else? Or even some advice how I can get him to listen to me? He is 20 months so any advice that is age appropriate. He spends the whole day beating me up and wrecking my house. Which I know he's exploring but he literally breaks everything! And I'm getting sick of the sound of my own voice. Neighbours will prob report me to social and this rate for always shouting 🙄

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Original poster
MummySS22 · 22/12/2023 11:57

Redkite11 · 22/12/2023 11:48

it is hard but there is a risk that your DC will get used to the word ‘no’ and ignoring it. Some advice I read which helped me with my children are:

  • descriptive praise. Whenever they do something good, praise them and say why. For example “you’re very good at picking up your toy and putting it back.”, etc.. Try and do descriptive praise as much as possible;
  • with hitting, say “kind hands”, take DC’s hand and show DC how to stroke softly. DC will eventually understand.
  • a naughty box. If DC throws a toy, put it in the naughty box for 24 hrs before giving it back.
  • Don’t be scared of the tantrums.
  • give DC an instruction and, if it’s ignored, count down loudly from 5. If you finish the count down and the child has not obeyed, then either enforce the action or do naughty corner. 20 months might be a bit young for this method but around 2 yrs maybe.
  • accountability. If DC spills a cup of water, give them a tea towel and instruct them to clean it up using a nice voice (“oops! Don’t worry, just clean it up). Get DC to tidy up after themselves, etc..
  • every child is different but my DCs (1.5yrs and 3.5yrs) really like “helping” with house work such as emptying the dishwasher, “cleaning” shower tiles using a cloth or squidgy, sweeping the floor with child’s broom. Stuff like this you can do together and they really love being praised for being helpful.
  • if they want to throw something, have certain, permitted places where things can be thrown (I.e. the laundry basket, toy box or a cardboard box).

By the way, the above is all assuming that DC is progressing within the usual wide range expected for the age group.

Are you a SAHM? I am a working mother but I think being a SAHM is harder emotionally. I enjoyed a long maternity leave which I loved but it’s so physically and emotionally exhausting and I think that adds to the frustration with DC acts up. I’m sure you’re doing amazingly and 20 months is an age of testing boundaries.

Edited

Yes I am SAHM. I went back to work briefly after maternity k sve but die to childcare issues we can't afford.nirsery just yet so I stay home so DH can work full time plus overtime. I do feel like DS is maybe a bit behind. When I did ages and stages questions there was a lot that he apparently "should" be doing but doesn't. I think maybe as he progresses it will be easier to tame him lol but at the moment he's like w whirlwind.

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 22/12/2023 12:01

Some of your language makes me feel uncomfortable OP. I appreciate you feel attacked but he is so little, he is just exploring his world and he isn't doing any of this to get a rise out of you, he is just young and he can't/won't be 'tamed'. I find it strange that you used that word. You started off saying you aren't an angry person but I would perhaps spend a bit of time considering that you do have anger, we all do, whether we like that image of ourselves or not.

Christmasconcerts · 22/12/2023 12:37

I have probably said similar @coffeeisthebest - I won’t have meant it but some days are really tough.

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Original poster
MummySS22 · 22/12/2023 13:06

It just really is a struggle for me at the moment. I just feel like I can't do right for wrong with DS and some.days are immensely stressful.

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macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 13:44

MummySS22 · 22/12/2023 10:39

Thanks for all your comments, although I feel a little attacked. Its very hard. My DH works full time and when he is here he spends hardly any time with DS and some days I feel like I'm doing it all on my own, parenting, looking after the house, running errands etc.

We don't go swimming as DS hates water. We regularly go to soft play, local toddler group at sure start, the park, and he has a little friend the same age who comes to play a couple of times a week (my neighbours DS) I try to keep him as entertained as possible but when we are in the house I find it extremely hard, he doesn't want to play with me or read a book, I can't keep his attention long enough, he gets bored and wanders off.

I don't call him ignorant to be mean, maybe that was the wrong choice of words. But he disregards everything i say, he does think that the boundaries i try to set are a game. Don't get me wrong I don't shout ALL the time, I find I lose my patience when I've spent the whole day repeating myself, for instance he has an obsession at the moment for beating the TV with his toys, throwing them at the screen (it's not within reach but he's got a good throw!) I've tried explaining it will break but he literally just carries on and thats when I become shouty mum. I feel terrible because I don't want him to resent me for always telling him no and I don't want him to grow up thinking I'm unapproachable but I also dont want him to think he can do what he wants and have no discipline in the sense that he thinks he can do anything he wants.

You need to change the way your house is set up until he's older. He doesn't really understand "the tv will break", even if he does understand what the individual words mean. He can't conceptualise the cause and effect properly and he has no concept of the television's value or your emotions if it were to break. He's not ignorant, his brain simply has not yet developed to understand.

So move the tv. Because it's all a game. He's doing things to see what happens and also to see your reaction. Not to wind you up, but because he's learning about the world. Literally move the tv somewhere else. Maybe up on the wall. Or get rid of it.

He'll get older and it will stop being an issue.

Your husband needs to get over the idea that he has "me time" pretty fucking fast too. You both get time to yourself when your child is in bed. You've both been working all day and you both should be dealing with your son until he's in bed. In our house that looks like this: dad plays with son while I cook dinner, we eat together, dad takes son for his bath while I tidy toys away, dad washes dishes and cleans the kitchen while I get son into his jammies and brush his teeth. Then one of us does a bedtime story and puts him to bed. We both pull our weight together and get our "me time" when he's asleep.

gentlemum · 22/12/2023 13:47

MummySS22 · 22/12/2023 13:06

It just really is a struggle for me at the moment. I just feel like I can't do right for wrong with DS and some.days are immensely stressful.

Do you have time for yourself? How 'full' is your cup? If it's already near overflowing then little annoying things our children do can send it over the edge and you take it out on them. I've seen you've said you're a SAHM and that's so hard. When do you get a break, or time for yourself? In order to be a calm parent you have to look after yourself first. Be kind to yourself, parenting is tough and toddlers are extremely challenging. You're doing a great job, just keep working how you can stay calmer and reduce the shouting.

gerteddy · 22/12/2023 13:59

Mine are 6 and 4 and if you speak normally to them they often ignore u. Please don't do that, I said don't do that. Then u have to shout I've told u several times stop that!

It's the only way they listen and it drives me mental. My sil kids are the same so I blame it on my dh side of the family 😆

Singleandproud · 22/12/2023 14:11

@gerteddy Your children are capable of following instructions as otherwise you'd be having discussions with school.

Try changing the way you communicate with them. Stop telling them what you don't want them to do and start telling them what you do want them to do.

Stop asking them with "Please" that makes the request optional, tell them what you do want them to do with a "thank you" you are thanking them in advance because your expectation is that they will carry out your request.
"Please, don't jump on the sofa", become "Bum on the sofa, feet on the floor. Thank you"

It will take time for you to get used to changing the way you talk and they will need to be reminded however it's much better than shouting.

converseandjeans · 24/12/2023 11:43

@MummySS22

But he disregards everything i say, he does think that the boundaries i try to set are a game. Don't get me wrong I don't shout ALL the time

Do you use the naughty step? I never found shouting very effective. Naughty step worked. Just firmly remove from situation & plonk on bottom step. Also reward jar with marbles worked well for DS. This is more effective I would say than shouting & naughty step.

He sounds similar to how my DS was & it was exhausting but he just needed to be kept busy. So not much time to get house work done. It got easier once he was old enough to go to play dates on his own & play for footie team. So around 3 onwards.

converseandjeans · 24/12/2023 11:45

@MummySS22

My DH works full time and when he is here he spends hardly any time with DS and some days I feel like I'm doing it all on my own, parenting

This is your main issue as he should be helping you with parenting. Take DS out for a walk when he gets in, take him to shop or just engage with him.

ischurchmyguiltypleasure · 24/12/2023 14:26

Just came to say my toddler is exactly the same, and honestly when we spend time with my friends' kids who are similar ages - mine is the most 'spirited' shall we say.

He's a curious, clever, and energetic boy, he can be awet and kind especially with other children, but when he isn't properly channeled he just runs amok at home.

Problem is 'properly channeling' him is absolutely life endingly exhausting and some days I am also a shouty mum.

On a good day we've had a lot of success with some of the techniques in the 'how to talk so little kids will listen' book. Especially acknowledging frustration or other feelings in a sentence and descriptive praise.

My DS is 21mo and has very, very good understanding but very little language and I think that is a huge frustration for him.

Anyway just keep remembering that this is a very short season of life in the grand scheme of things and in 8 weeks time you might be worrying about different things entirely.

You have got to sort your husband out though!

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