Is lack of attention causing my 3 year old to act out?

[doggyadvicepls]

Here's the situation: I have a 3.5year old dd and a 4 month old.

3.5 year old is in nursery 3 mornings a week and she has really grown in confidence since being there, they say she's happy and settled and dd seems to love it so that's all good.

However when she's home with me she's very different behaviour-wise. Becoming more resistant to instructions and deliberately doing things she's knows she's not supposed to. Started saying things to us and about her sister/toys/food that I would say are rude (if she wasn't only 3). Starting kicking out at our dog which really concerns and upsets me.

I'm worried it's something I'm doing wrong? I'm honestly doing my best but I'm so sleep deprived due to waking hourly with littlest. I can't think properly. My patience is definitely less than normal. The tv is on a bit more than it probably should be. My arms are not as free as they were to her for cuddles. I feel guilty and like I'm failing her.

Any advice would be welcome. Please be gentle though, bit fragile here

She might be acting out a bit but that’s often normal with a new sibling and will pass. In fact you can say that about an awful lot of bad behaviour with very young children - it is normally a phase and will pass. You sound tired and at the end of your tether though so please be kind to yourself. Two little ones is utterly exhausting. You haven’t mentioned a partner so is there one around who can help? Even just to take the baby for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon or something so you can make a big deal of a mummy/DD standing date so that she feels she is getting all of you at some point. If you’re anything like me that would feel a welcome change in routine to your other days too! And let you get away from nappies/bottles/endless exhaustion too. You’re doing great though - I don’t doubt you’re already giving every piece of yourself right now

Really not helpful 🙄

Wow. Harsh much?

Dont beat yourself up... your doing an amazing job! Kids like to push boundaries and test the water. Its healthy and as i was told the other day, its a good sign when they are naughty at home because they feel safe to express and explore.
I have a 5 year old DD and 6 month old DD. 5 year old has taken to baby really well and is a massive help, but has had her moments. Its soul breaking when you think its all your fault. I have put my back out this week, so DH has had to step up (hes found how hard it is!) But DD5 has suddenly started wetting herself which im unsure if its excitment from xmas or change at home. Both kids are normally in bed by 9pm latest, they have just gone down now. I feel like its my fault as due to my back and the pain im in, i cant do our normal routines.

Can dad or a family/friend take the baby for a few hours so you can do something 'fun' with her? Even if its just a hour baking/messy play or a trip to the coffee shop for cake?
Give both your babies a hug and tell them you love them. Im sure they no it anyway! And it will get easier as baby gets older and more able to do things and you get some more sleep!

You are not failing anyone! Your three year old sounds like a normal child who releases more energy at home - be it positive or negative because you are their safe person. Any change in the behaviour linked to new sibling will pass too. Try to include them in helping with the baby even small things like passing you a nappy or packet of wipes so they feel involved. Try to take things easy on yourself xxx

Not helpful at all!

I'm sure the new sibling is difficult for her, but equally: my 3yo who has no siblings and all the attention in the world is just the same, so...

In all seriousness, the only thing that's concerning is the dog issue. Does she get consequences for that? Hurting the cat is the only thing my DD has been given a version of "time out" for. If it carries on you'll need to keep them separate.

Ignore the weird nasty poster.

It's probably normal for the developmental stage and normal for having a new sibling. It is really difficult - it's very hard to transition from being able to give one child your full attention to not being able to fully meet the needs of either one of your children. It's probably not entirely negative - there are some benefits as a result of the adjustment - but it's painful while you are going through it. It will get easier as they both get a bit older (although with new challenges!)

You almost certainly aren't failing your children, but if you are able to find time to spend with your eldest on her own, you will both benefit.

I have a 3 month old and a 3 year old and we’re in the EXACT same boat, I literally could’ve written this post! However, when I’ve talked to her nursery friend parents they’ve all said theirs have been the same since turning 3 so I think it’s the ‘threenager’ stage which is just amplified for us with a bit of adjusting to new baby. I have no advice but just saying you’re not the only one

1. She's 3 so will be testing boundaries and seeing what she can and can't get away with. Particularly if she has started nursery and so is meeting other children and seeing them behave differently and wondering if she can behave like that.
2. There's a newborn baby at home so her world has turned upside down so she's testing boundaries due to that too as she wants to check what her position in the world is.

All you can do, is be consistent. Even if you're marooned on the sofa feeding the baby, there are still plenty of ways to entertain a 3yo.

I could have written this too. Currently have a 3 month old and a 3 year old and my 3 year old is doing the exact same, accept kicking the bunny rabbit 😑 he told me tonight that he wanted the baby to go back to the hospital be cause he doesn’t want a four family he only wants a three family 😣 I don’t have much advice but can at least say it seems normal. Some times I feel like super woman and sometimes I’m falling apart. Hang in there 🥴 I’m sure there’s light at the end of this tunnel x

Your older child has got her nose out of joint but it will pass. She had you to herself for three years but now she feels replaced.
Put the baby down and give the three year old some 1-1 attention.
Make the house safe environment so you dont have to keep correcting her for touching the wrong things. The Three year old is also going through the adjustment to having a sister. When they get older they'll make good companions for each other.
Get some fun things to do at home ,while you tend to the baby, three year old can do colouring in book or playing with toys.
It's normal sibling rivalry and must be monitored in case toddler whacks the baby while your out the room. It's NORMAL.

You sound nice.

Ah thank you so much everyone! I have only just noticed all the responses and I'm so grateful to you all for being kind and reassuring.

To the poster who asked about the dog, yes there are absolutely consequences for that behaviour, just as for the other negative behaviour, but it's the only behaviour that really worries me for obvious reasons.

I posted this at a particularly low moment and since have had some nicer times too, I think the holidays have helped as I've had more help from her dad and other family. I guess like with most things it is a phase that will pass.

Thanks again everyone

To those in the same boat, thanks for reaching out and I hope things improve quickly for you too

It's quite a common age for behaviour to become more challenging, add that to end of year tiredness and new sibling displacement and it just adds up to a tricky phase.

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive :)