Can't handle DD over reactions

[Mamabear04]

DD has just turned 4 years old and has always been a sensitive child. The past few weeks I've really been struggling with her over reactions when she's not happy. I get kids cry and they are only little but I am really finding it difficult to keep my cool and feel sorry for her. An example would be last night I was running her bath and told her to start getting undressed and she noticed the tiniest graze on her knee and started howling. She had obviously done it earlier in the day and it hadn't bothered her but all of a sudden because she saw something she just couldn't cope. It just always seems to be when something happens that she doesn't like and it can't be fixed immediately such as like today, I was bursting for the toilet and she started howling because I couldn't open the stair late to let her go downstairs to get her favourite toy of the moment or because later in the day I said she had to wear a certain pair of trainers because she wanted to go on her balance bike and would wreck her good pair of boots. I understand these are normal everyday things for parents but I just can't cope with the noise level and her acting like it's the end of the bloody world. I'm calm up to a point and then I break and shout at her to stop. I know this doesn't help and I know I'm probably making it worse but even thinking of the way she reacts fulls me with such stress.

As I'm writing this I know people will say she's doing it for the reaction but I've got to a point where I just am about to snap. I just want to tell her to just deal with it and i feel frustrated that she can't cope with the smallest things and I feel angry at myself for not being a good parent. What can I do? Is this normal 4 year old behaviour? I never see other kids react like this!

I don't know how else to express this but it seems to me you're having the exact same over reactions as her, just you're the adult. For instance, you're totally over reacting to her experience of becoming overwhelmed by negative emotion and lashing out verbally instead of crying like she does. She's still little and needs to be shown, by you doing it in front of her, how to handle big unpleasant emotions and the feelings they elicit in the body. What do you want her to do when she feels bad? Do it too.

@Isthisexpected thank you for your honesty, sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. I try so hard to stay calm and usually do throughout the day but when it gets to 5pm onwards there's just some days (most days) she just can't seem to calm down even. I try so hard to model a calm and caring behaviour but after trying to calm her down and reassure her I just can't handle it. I don't always shout at her and often tag her Dad into help when I feel myself getting angry. I would say 90% of the time I'm calm and it's more like an inner anger that I try very hard to hide when it gets to the end of the day. I'm just not sure how to stop the part at the end of the day when it's too much for me. I feel very overwhelmed by it!

My DS6 is like this and I find it very draining. I don't have any advice just offering solidarity. I've worked in special needs all my life and whilst I don't believe my son has additional needs, I've used every tool and approach in my arsenal to respond to him when he is wailing over the tiniest (to me) inconvenience and it makes no difference, I think it's just his personality and im hoping he will develop more resilience as he grows older. My eldest DD has never been like this and I do find it draining

Emanate calm and learn to box breathe, show her how to do it too. Try to not react, if you react she will think the thing you react to is scary or non threatening.

https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==

I get it, OP. DS was exactly the same and I found it so overwhelming! I really recommend a bit of Dr Becky on IG.

1. deal with you physical reaction - this is easy, you get overwhelmed by the noise so invest in some noise cancelling headphones, or discreet Calm earp plug that help block out the more irritating frequencies.

2. When your daughter is calm and receptive act out the scenarios that cause the most distress, script amore appropriate response and practise it, she needs to learn how to deal with her feelings positively. "Oh no, the baby doll has a graze. DD what could we do to make her feel better? Yes, we could give her a plaster and kiss it better. Wow you put that plaster on so carefully! what a good patient baby was, she was so calm and kept still so you could put the plaster on her graze". When you next find yourself in that scenario with er, you start the script until it pulls her out of the crying episode

My DS is similar. He is just about to turn 6 and we finally seem to be coming out of this.

He used to have over reactions over the slightest things, even me just asking him to do something basic like put his shoes on could cause 10 mins of hysterical sobbing.

It is exhausting; so I completely understand you feeling frustrated about it.

I was starting to wonder if he had some undiagnosed SEN as it was getting so difficult, but at school he never behaves like this, and his teachers have never raised concerns.

We basically tackled it by not feeding into the drama. We created a cosy corner in his playroom, that was his safe space and I encouraged him to go there for quiet time if he was getting overwhelmed.

We try to do as much positive reinforcement as we can. He's very hard on himself if he makes a mistake so we try to point out all the positives as much as possible.

We signed him up to a martial art class to build resilience and confidence. It took weeks for him to get into it but now he really loves going.

Sadly though, I think most of it is just a phase and you have to do your best to keep your cool as much as humanly possible. If you need to walk away from her, go to another room to calm down. Do what you need to do.

Like I said my DS is almost 6 and I have noticed a massive improvement. Good luck.