DS worries they will think he is a bully

[Thistledew]

I though of posting this in the SN board but would like views from parents of NT children as well.

DS is 7yrs. We are starting the process of formal assessment but it is very likely that he has significant ADHD and/or ASD.

The biggest problem with this is that he is prone to emotional and angry outbursts when he is in a dysregulated state. He is very aware that he gets in this state and has described being unable to control himself at those times. He is not dangerous, but will shout and cry and throws his pencil/pen etc.

He is getting better at realising when he is getting into a state like this and will take himself off to a safe space until he is calm, or will need a prompt to do so by his teacher. The worst states of this sort of dysregulation happen usually no more than once a half-term.

For various reasons, we have made the decision for DS to change school. He is resistant to the idea, and today opened up to explain that he is worried that at the new school he will get into a dysregulated state and the other kids will think he is a bully. He would rather stay where he is because the children there know that he isn't a bully and isn't mean even when he gets upset.

Staying where he is isn't really an option, and we think that at the new school he will be a lot happier and therefore hopefully less dysreglated.

I'm just at a bit of a loss as to how to reassure him, other than to say that people at his school now don't think he is a bully and there is no reason that his new classmates will think differently.

I'm after advice as to a) how I can try to reassure him, without disregarding his legitimate concerns over how his behaviour might be perceived, and b) what sort of conversations I might need to have with the parents of the other kids in his class to explain his behaviour and worries.

You could remind him that bullying tends to be a repeated pattern of behaviour with a specific target. It is also frequently sly, away from oversight by authorities. It doesn't sound as if his outbursts fit either of those criteria?

Thanks, that is helpful. But I think that he has an awareness that his behaviour causes people to view him negatively, rather than specifically that he would be perceived as a bully. He doesn’t want to have these outbursts, but can’t stop them happening. How do I keep up his self esteem so that he keeps working on developing skills to control his regulation, whilst being honest with him about his understanding that other people will view him negatively?

Why do you think it's best that he changes schools?

It’s a very small rural school that is sadly on the verge of closure due to lack of pupils. He is the only child in his year and there very soon will be no children in the year below or above.

Bump for the evening crowd.

Would it be a good idea if I help DS write a little introduction letter to his new classmates? “My name is X, I like Pokémon and Minecraft and I’m really good at Y. Sometimes I get upset and shout and cry and I need some time alone to calm down. I know that some people find this scary but I don’t mean to upset anyone. I’d like to make friends who enjoy playing football at break time.”

As a parent, if your child brought home a note like that with an invitation to speak to the parents of that child if they or their child have any concerns, would you appreciate it, or would it really put you off?

You need to let the teacher at the new school deal with the introduction. They can talk to the class as a whole and explain there is a new person starting who may have trouble with xyz and how they can help him/be his friend etc.

Tell your DS that his new teacher will help him with this. Try and meet the new teacher as soon as possible so they can chat and allay his fears. If he likes his current teacher I would also ask them to talk to him about how it's a teacher's job to help children settle and that his new teacher will definitely explain the situation to his new classmates etc.

No note. But talk to the school and the teacher and get them to prepare for your son.

TBH moving him is going to be really stressful for him and might prompt a lot of deregulated emotions- is the school ready for that and have a good plans of what to do to help him regulate and attune to him.

transitions are really hard. A phased settling in period would be my first thought.

Potentially how your DS is viewed could depend on whether there are similar children at the school and how the children respond to them.
I wouldn’t send in the note in case people automatically assume the worst from DS based on experience of other children. It’s better that there’s a discussion in the classroom when needed to give your DS the space he needs.

In a bigger school it's more likely there'd be more children with similar needs so more understanding of his behaviour, not less I'd say? Phased transition sounds good too, perhaps with some meet ups/play dates outside school? Good luck