I don’t know how to make it right, can’t stop crying.

[FailedMiserably]

For context, I always always try to be rational. I grew up in a household of shouting and harsh punishments. I never wanted that for my children.

However, I do have the same short temper as my dad and I can get a bit shouty sometimes. But I always apologise to DD if it happens.

A couple of months ago DD (4yo) was putting the cushions on the floor and jumping off the sofa onto them. Her brother (1yo) went over and led on the cushions. I explained to DD that she shouldn’t jump off the sofa while DS was there just in case she lands on him so can ah either use the other sofa or find something else to do for a bit. She jumped around him a couple times as I repeated not to jump near where he was and to come over to the other sofa instead (so at this point I was already getting fed up of asking her not to do it) I went to make a cup of tea and the next thing I know DS is screaming and DD had gone and jumped off the first sofa onto him. I went into panic mode that he was seriously hurt and I lost my temper and smacked DD’s bum before putting her in time out. I checked over DS and his leg was a bit read so I think she had just clipped him and he was fine after a few cuddles.

I did take DD out of time out and she asked why I smacked her bum and I apologised and said it’s never ok and that I was just really scared, asked if she was ok and we had a cuddle and then she went off playing like nothing had happened.

Anyway, two weeks ago nursery called me in at pick up and had explained that DD had mentioned while at lunch with her friends that I had smacked her bum when she was naughty and made her cry which has meant they’ve needed to report me to MASH. I told them what had happened and that I understand why they’ve reported it as obviously it’s always better to be safe than sorry. But I can’t stop crying. I feel so guilty, because it happened so long ago and DD brought it up recently that it must be in her head and the thought of her having memories of me hurting her is awful I just don’t know what I can do to make it better for DD or myself.

I just feel like I’ve massively failed as a parent. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’ve spoken to friends and family and no one seems to think it’s that big of a deal but I just can’t stop thinking about it all.

Is there any real way to get over feeling so guilty?

It’s done now so accept any help you’re offered and find better ways to manage your anger. You know what it’s like having a shouty parent, you don’t want to keep doing it because you think apologising afterwards makes it okay.

I have similar aged DC and wouldn’t have gone to make a drink given you knew DD was still jumping and DS was still at risk. It was completely inevitable that what happened then happened. You let it happen then punished her.

Kids say random things all the time; just cos it popped into her head doesn’t mean she’s mentally or emotionally scarred by this.
She was misbehaving despite multiple warnings and could have hurt her brother; I think you acted appropriately tbh
please stop beating yourself up; there is nothing you can do but maybe investigate ways to moderate your reactions in the future as many versions of this will happen over the coming years!!!

I'm amazed your friends and family don't think it's a big deal. Of course it is and clearly you know it deep down.

It shouldn't be a surprise your daughter remembers it too. It was a traumatic incident for her and a completely disproportionate and wholly unacceptable response from a trusted adult.

You know you don't want this style of abusive parenting, so learn the lessons from this and commit to this being a turning point. Get therapy and parenting support as needed. You can change and you can turn things around.

But your daughter is old enough now to form lasting memories so if you don't draw a line now, know that these memories could persist a lifetime, affect how her personality is shaped and most certainly her relationship with you.

You absolutely can do this and turn it around.

Hopefully they can offer you some parenting classes to help you diffuse situations without resorting to assault again.

Accept any help offered, and if they offer help to your dd then accept that too, I know if someone hit me I would be thinking about it a fair bit moreso if it was someone I love and trusted, so it's really no wonder your dd was talking about it.

Let this be a turning point in your parenting, you fucked up, you know you don't want to do it again, use your guilt to make a change for the better for all of your sakes.

This! I can’t imagine leaving a 1yo in this situation. Way too big an ask for a 4yo.

Im sure she won’t be scarred by this one incident but please try to put measures in place to make sure you don’t get to this point again.

I do wonder whether you got so angry because you blamed yourself for letting something so obvious happen?

This.
The best thing would have been to remove the cushions, remove baby brother, direct to a different activity, not leave to make a drink unless you take one child with you.
You haven't had good role models OP. Ask for some parenting classes and information about things to read. It will get easier.

No there is not a way to feel less guilty about it because you are guilty so you need to try harder in future and keep your hands to yourself . What @AnneLovesGilbert said is spot on - this incident was of your making yet a 4 yo ends up smacked .

@Botanica Thank you. I accepted the referral to Triple P Parenting course they offered as a result, I’m on a waiting list apparently. I would like to becomes less shouty. I do try so hard not to be and always feel like I’ve let myself and the kids down when I do. I’m hoping the course might have some tips on how to be more calm.

I’m starting high intensity therapy this week anyway but that’s related to anxiety Ho h in hindsight probably plays a part!

Sorry just to clarify, I never left the room, it’s open plan. I basically just turned my back when I thought DD had understood why I didn’t want her to jump. But yes, like a PP had mentioned I probably reacted the way I did because I should have been watching. If I’d put a but more effort into making sure DD wasn’t near him then it could have been prevented. I just keep thinking of all the things I could have done but didn’t and now we’re here.

I've done the same in a similar situation OP. It's something that I instantly regretted but it didn't feel like a choice or rational decision, more a reaction. All you can do now is find a way to manage your temper (which is easier said than done sometimes, especially when kids are pushing all the right buttons). Ultimately, it's our responsibility as adults and parents to respond to poor/impulsive behaviour appropriately. I'm still trying to figure it out myself x

All you can do is vow to do better next time.
Kids do stupid and dangerous things. Kids push buttons but it's up to you to take the 5 seconds between seeing something and bring a balance reaction

My mum was the sort of person that flew into a rage and hit us and screamed at us. We used to say she had an inner dragon. I'm 36 and I still don't trust her. I am still guarded about how a phrase things with her in fear of her temper flaring up. She hasn't lost her temper with me like that in 15 years but I can't and will not trust her. We only have a superficial relationship which is one way me supporting her and she knows very little about my actual life.
For me, the most damaging thing wasn't the hitting or the shouting it was the sudden flip from nice mum to monster and I couldn't predict that and it was this that put up a wall and made her unsafe to me.

How do you want your daughter to look back on this period of her life?