Massive blow up. Who is in the wrong here?

[blewupshit]

Firstly we are both in the wrong for it happening infront of my son and I feel absolutely shit about that.

My son wanted me to do bed time but I was busy with baby so my husband did it. He got really upset and screamed and screamed for me.
He has a 15 minute timer in which he gets stories, if he wastes time kicking off about something then he gets less stories before the timer goes off.
He spent the entire timer crying for me, crying for a toy etc. My husband gave him the toy (a light up bloody Marshall car!) and also let him have stories after his timer went off. After the stories we was just messing around with the toy, not going to sleep at all and I could hear my husband getting really cross at him. Speaking through gritted teeth, shouting at him to lie down now etc. Just clearly really pissed off with him. If we get angry it makes bedtimes so much worse. It has been going on for 1.5 hours by this point and it escalated to those two having an argument. I went in and said enoughs enough, you're arguing with a 4 year old, tap out. We have a deal made that if either of us lose it with him we tap out and the calm parent takes over.
I took over, I took the toy off him and laid down and said time for sleep. He asked for the toy back, I said we don't have toys in bed, he asked for more stories, I said the timer had gone off. He lost it, because I had taken away all of the things that my husband had given in on.
He needs consistency at bed time, there's always some push back but he's never still up arguing over an hour later, he was worse because my husband had been so inconsistent and aggressive.
I was talking to him totally calmly, and suddenly my son started screaming for his daddy back because he wanted the toy back. I was very calm but firm and said it's bed time. I fully believe if I'd been left to carry on he would of kicked off for a few minutes then realised that shit doesn't fly with me and given in.
Instead my husband came storming back in, shouting at me that I've made everything 100 times worse, he wasn't this upset before I took over (yes because he was dicking about with a toy). I said calmly leave me to it please. He's shouting at me to get out the bed now, don't make this worse, get out now. I tell him I'm fine and to leave me to it, he is getting so aggressive and shouting GET THE FUCK OUT. I just lost it at that point and climbed out of the bed, pushed past him and said to go fuck himself. He's terrible at swearing infront of the kids whereas I never do it so I'm pissed off that I did it too. He turned around and got in my face like oh there she is, go on then, get the fuck out. I was like why are you doing this? Look what you're doing in front of him. What an example is this. It was pitch black and I was talking with my arms and my phone in my hand caught his face and he started shouting "You just punched me in front of my son, you just punched me in the face in front of my son!!!" Repeatedly. My son was hysterical at this point, I walked out and could hear him comforting my son saying it's ok, she's gone, it's ok. As if I was some abusive bitch of a mother.

I'm shaking now. It should never of happened in-front or my son and I completely accept that and will never allow it to happen again, but am I in the wrong with the rest of it?!

If you do the bedtime routine every night, then your husband isn't very good at knowing what to do as he doesn't do it. Maybe you need to discuss it again so everyone is clear on what happens at bedtime regardless who does it

You are both in the wrong but why is that the main focus?

You need to decide how you can make sure this never happens in front of the child again, then reevaluate your relationship.

For what it's worth, nothing is worth that much hassle and fuss. Particularly the no toys in bed thing. Why on earth not? My ds used to go to bed with his football boots! And why could your dh not have had the baby if your ds wanted you?

I have a ds the same age, and a baby. I know it can be tough juggling bedtimes but reading this has just made me sad for your son. Seeing both parents out of control must've been scary for him.

It was pitch black and I was talking with my arms and my phone in my hand caught his face

you hit him didn’t you?

You’ve both ‘lost it’ though. Big time. Why on earth did you leave DH for 90 minutes when he was clearly struggling? If you have a cue to ‘tap out’ when one gets stressed, why didn’t you do that?
You can’t ‘make things right’ in the morning - the damage to your poor little boy has already been done.

You were in the wrong from the momentyou told him you were too busy with the baby to be there at bedtime. You could’ve joined in even if feeding/comforting baby at the same time.
Then it went from bad to worse, neither of you behaved in an acceptable way. Have a serious talk about how to avoid this in future.

Bedtime ordeals are ridiculous. When it's time to go to bed, just go to bed. I have 4 children and have never had a bedtime meltdown and have never gone into ridiculous rituals for them to sleep. You're letting your child control you. Tell them to go to sleep and that's the end of it.

On another note it's also not the end of the world to have a fight in front of your child. It's actually very good to let them see your disagreements hinging on they also see your conflict resolution. It won't be traumatic if you make it a teaching moment. Talk it out in front of your child and with your child. They need to learn how to disagree in a healthy way, and how to apologize and move on when things get ugly. You can't pretend it doesn't happen and you have to teach them how to fix it. Obviously both parents need to be on board for that though.

You should both be ashamed of yourselves and make sure that this never happens again.

It sounds like you did hit him.

Omg I have said I do nearly every single bed time, he only ever wanted his dad to do bed time until the baby was born and is breastfed so I have to do his and suddenly he started wanting me every night. I do both kids bed times literally every single night! I get the baby down for half 6 and then my son for 7.30. I couldn't do it tonight because it was already gone 7 and the baby was still awake and needed breastfeeding and my son couldn't stay up much later with school in the morning. I didn't just say no and ignore him he had a big cuddle and a kiss and it was explained that I'd do it tomorrow night. He cried for me, he cried for a toy, he cried for more stories he was just in that mood if it wasn't me it would of been something else. He wasn't rejected in the slightest.

@blewupshit

are you ok??

your DH (dick head) deviated from bedtime routine & caused DS to get all out of sorts, then DH got aggressive with him.

& after that just acted like a complete wanker.

There are things he said that I probably winning 'get over'. Saying to DS that it was ok now, you'd gone etc. no fucking way would I tolerate that.

id definitely be reevaluating my marriage.

But you do all the bedtimes?

You are trying hard to paint yourself as blameless here. You're not, neither of you are. But that's OK, noone is perfect and every parents have times when it all goes to shit. Don't sweat it. Be a team.

I've raised four children. I've loads more experience at bedtime than you. In the situation you describe I'd bring the 4yo downstairs. Watch half to an hour of telly to calm everyone down. Then started again, even if that be 9 or 10pm.

I can imagine your incredulity and eye rolling at not following routines, and timers and predictability etc.

The fact that I'd do different to you, and that I have more experience than you, do not mean you're a shit parent and I'm brilliant. The same as when you do different to your husband (based on your increased experience) doesn't make one shit and the other brilliant. As long as you both mean well, try hard and come from a place of trying to be a good parent and not a harmful one - then you're doing fine in what is a very hard job.

Op, none of this is good.
Can you even imagine how terrified your son might have felt. Perhaps focus on that rather than blame.

You also should admit you hit him and meant to hit him.

I've never hit anybody in my life. It was a heated argument and I was talking expressively with my arms in a pitch black room and the corner of my phone touched his face. Not my hand. Not deliberate in the slightest. On my kids lives I would never ever hit somebody in the face. I mentioned it because of how quickly he turned it from the corner of a phone skimming his face into 'me punching him'. Saying that infront of our child who couldn't see and wouldn't know that it wasn't true.

Jesus. Christ.
Poor child.

Abusive household. Why the hell would you have child 2.

I can’t believe people think this is ok.

So you have this 'tap out' arrangement because your h is impatient with your ds

He swears in front of your ds

He was getting impatient and annoyed with him yesterday, you took over, then he broke your tap out agreement and came storming back in?

It sounds to me like he was aggressive, confrontational and made the situation 100x worse. The yelling that you had punched him in the face is ridiculous and designed up set your fax

And the fact that he can't reflect on things today and see that he may shoulder some of the blame is not good. What's he usually like with arguments? Does he apologise?

Bed times are horrendous and everyone's had these nights. I do bedtime every night but if dh did he would mess up the routine. He says I spend too much time pandering and talking to them etc. it's just different styles.

Your dh and mine are ok coming in but it's not them that has to get them back into a routine.

*designed to upset your ds

You both need to get a grip on your behaviour and act like adults. Frankly you come off as badly as he does in this given it's your side of the story and you've probably played your role down. Is your relationship generally in a bad place and would you be better off separate? Do you need to see someone and do some work on your communication with each other? Do either of you have problems with anger management in other contexts and do you need help with that? Everyone gets cross with their child and their partner from time to time, but you need to learn to manage yourselves so that this scenario does not happen again. Your poor son must have been terrified, of his dad and you.

Why on earth do some parents allow these long drawn out bedtime dramas? So what if child is “tantrumming”? Walk away!! No way did I ever spend an hour trying to get my kids to bed! Bath, story, cuddle and kiss, end of!

And you and your Dh have a toxic relationship by the sounds of things.

This is kind advice and I think you both need a bit of kindness towards each other at the moment. Sit down, have a cup of tea and dissect where the evening went wrong and how to avoid it happening again. It sounds like you’re both a bit stressed and tired.

Fifteen minutes is such a tight and prescriptive window to expect a four-year-old to adhere to, it's no wonder bedtime is so fraught. Your poor son.

It does sound like you are treating the child's emotions as the problem (to 'fix' with 15 min timers and no toy rules etc) and maybe in addition you and your DH needs a parenting course to get some more skills to help these situations? So that you have something else implement between the rule being 'broken' and you or DH losing your temper.
I've been where you are - screaming rows over stupid things in front of kids. This will only get worse if you don't both make changes. Learning more skills works. Schools sometimes run workshops for parents and children to work on managing emotions. Or maybe ask at local family centres or health centres.