Please be kind - thinking I may have pnd & not just a terrible mum

[Misshoney2022]

I’m feeling terrible by even writing this, but I realise that I have been obsessing over my dd’s looks since she was born (2 months now.) I had a very traumatic pregnancy and was high risk, but had a smooth birth.
When she was handed to me, I was taken aback at how she looked (haven’t seen many newborns) and since then I find myself obsessing over her features, wondering if she is cute, if she will get bullied because of a certain feature etc. It’s stopped me seeing people aa I worry others won’t think she is cute and I keep thinking oh when she gets chubbier she will look cuter etc. And then I get so sad that i feel this way as I know most people think their babies are the most beautiful thing. I’ve not told anyone this as I am so ashamed. But stumbling across another post on here, I realise this could be a sign of pnd. I feel sad that it’s robbed me of my experience, but relieved that I’m not just a superficial evil mum! I just can’t seem to understand why I’m fixating on certain things In her appearance when I should just find her perfect.

I’m enjoying being a mum and don’t feel depressed day to day, but I find myself analysing her daily. Please be kind. What are my next steps? I hid all of this to my hv and doctor as was too ashamed.

You should definitely speak to the HV about it. My experience has been that they are really supportive of Mums and this is so far away from something that would trigger social services involvement or anything like that, so no need to catastrophise and think about baby being removed or anything, if that’s what’s stopping you. Or maybe it’s just the shame of saying these things about your baby? But honestly, they’ve heard everything. It does sound like PND or postnatal anxiety perhaps. I think I have the PNA with my first but didn’t realise. I also felt fine in the day but had really harrowing nightmares about injuring my child in different ways. I also had a very very high level of worry about cot death. Hasn’t happened with subsequent pregnancies (though other strange things have) but I wish I’d got all that off my chest and got some help to explore and understand it. My HV told me the other day that you are a priority for talking therapies with a baby under one, so honestly, just reach out and get help so that you can enjoy your (I am absolutely sure) beautiful baby.

You are not a terrible mum. I experienced this with my 2nd. My love for the 1st came rushing so naturally the minutehe was born. It took me 18 months to fall in love with my 2nd. I wasn't depressed. I faked it till I made it. I now have 2 teenagers. I love them both to bits

Yep, I had this after my second and had PNA. On a side note, my niece was a very strange looking baby, looks nothing like she did, grown into all her features and is absolutely beautiful as a teenager.

It does sound as though you might need some support

Have a chat with the PANDAS Foundation today and as others have suggested, talk to your HV tomorrow. You can get better with some support

You're not a terrible mother.
You could speak to your health visitor or GP about it. I had more success being listened with my GP than the health visitor.
You're not alone and they'll have seen hundreds, if not thousands of mothers who've experienced poor postnatal mental health.