"Are you feeding him again? When's my turn to cuddle him?"

[Mumoftwo1312]

Not a nightmare visitor, not a MIL... my 3yo!

I'm looking for some tips or just sympathy, if anyone has been through this!

I just came home from hospital with new ds, yesterday. Had a c-section and I'm not very mobile just yet, and still in pain which I admit is affecting my endurance. He spent his first day in NICU so I'm a bit wobbly from that too.

We thought we were so well prepared with preparing dd, age 3, emotionally, for the new baby. I read countless blogs and threads. Everything I read seemed to suggest that my dd might want me and want all my attention and be jealous of my attention, and we prepared accordingly that I would often "ignore" ds and make a fuss over dd. My dm bought my dd a doll with pretend nappies to change to get the idea of what to expect. We visited a friend with a new baby and dd was very respectful, only approaching to stroke the baby gently when the mum suggested she could.

Fast forward to yesterday, when dd visited in hospital. I tried to make sure I wasn't actually holding ds when she arrived and I was so ready to cuddle my daughter, greet her, tell her how I'd missed her and ask about her nursery Christmas concert which I'd had to miss.

To my amazement she ignored me completely, went straight to the baby, insisted on holding him for the duration of the visit (to the exclusion of my ever-patient PILs). Insisted on holding the bottle (we're mixed feeding, nicu approves).

Now I'm home, she needs to "help" with EVERYTHING otherwise she sulks and complains. If he's asleep in his basket, I offer to read a book or do an activity with her (give her my attention) but she's having none of it, she wants to go and stroke the sleeping baby, which wakes him up. She hates when any of us hold him or change him etc (even if another adult is giving her our full and active attention). I thought she'd be happy if we all ignore him (when he's asleep) and pretend he doesn't exist, just playing with her and making a fuss of her. No! She wants to play at being Mummy! We constantly let her hold him or stroke him but she's only 3 and although she tries to be gentle, she sometimes holds his head awkwardly and we have to intervene and she gets so offended.

I'm exhausted and I think I might be getting depressed. I feel like I have a caricatured difficult MIL for a 3yo daughter.

You need to set boundaries - you are in charge and she can’t do anything with the baby without permission.
You really don't want her picking the baby up and it is not normal for a baby to be fed routinely by a toddler - you need to bond with your baby.
So you may well have to change tack and risk tantrums and upset as you need to parent both children. Use your visitors to help distract her when possible.

We don't let her pick him up, no way - but we let her sit on the bed and carefully place the baby on her lap. We aren't using many bottles but she comes and tries to hold it at the same time as dh for example. She's very gentle but just so interfering and controlling!! Honestly like a stereotype of an interfering grandma!

I guess I just find it hard where to draw the boundary as I don't want her to resent him. She has never hurt him (we rectify it immediately if she accidentally holds his head awkwardly) in fact he scratched her accidentally with his sharp little nails.

Dh keeps saying the novelty will wear off in a few days. Tbf we only got home yesterday

She's also got a sneezy cold and once sneezed into his face. I quickly explained that we mustn't do that, it's dangerous for tiny babies to catch colds, and he was born poorly etc (nicu).

She immediately apologised and went to wash her hands, and now sneezes into her elbow around him.

So... I feel bad. She means well

I had an almost 4 year gap.
my oldest did bonded so well with ‘her’ baby sister.
we encouraged it to some extent. She was at nursery 2 full days and we continued with this so we also had time with the baby. Under strict supervision I let her give one bottle of expressed milk daily, she also liked to hand me the wipes etc. it was very positive for us and for them as siblings. We bathed them together once dd2 was over the delicate newborn stage.

We were all set to give dd1 lots of special attention but she didn’t really need it. It helped that she had a small ‘social’ life of her own such as occasional birthday parties, nursery, Sunday school. I have extremely fond memories of how lucky we were and how lovely to see their relationship develop.

I think this is probably just the novelty. It's so, so new to her. It probably feels lovely to have cuddle with the baby. But a bit like most new toys, they become old news as soon as something else more interesting comes along. With Christmas so close, she'll hopefully have plenty to distract her.

I would allow her to cuddle and bond with her new sibling, but set some clear rules around waking them etc.... It's a bit tricky navigating the first week or two with two. I felt like my first was suddenly so 'big' and it was almost like my expectations of him changed now I saw him as older. But over the first couple of weeks, he 'shrunk' back down and so did my expectations. Your dd is only 3, she's still very young and this is a big change. She'll adjust and it will get easier. Hang in there!

Thank you so much for this, it's reassuring that it worked for you to encourage it... I'm mostly encouraging it because a) dh seems to think it'll be a brief phase and b) I'm still recovering from the c section so I just don't have much energy for boundary-setting etc. (Getting up and down from a chair is still painful!)

It's the weekend and dd will be back to nursery next week (3 days pw) so hopefully that'll help me get some peace. But it's closed for 2w over Christmas and I'm dreading that stretch

Thank you so much, this is similar to what my dh is saying, that everyone will adjust.

I will hang in there!

It's partly the c section pain, every little challenge just looms so large and daunting

Aww bless her, I think you need to just try distraction (although probably not very successfully) until the novelty wears off, which I’m sure it will in a couple of days.

Perhaps you could preempt her getting involved by things like when you know it’s time for a nappy change suggest she gets her doll and suggest ‘why don’t we change our babies nappies together’ or ‘why don’t we feed our babies now’ and see if she is happy to give more of her attention to her dolls than the actual baby.

We kind of went with the flow, obviously when you have a second or subsequent baby you all have to adjust. Alongside recovering physically from the birth etc.

We were perhaps anticipating a bit of jealousy or whatever and were surprised that dd1 was so sweet. She did calm down a bit but in the early years was very fond of teaching her little sister things. I’ve still got a book with stickers from when dd1 was helping to potty train dd2 and she even wrote encouraging comments (aged 6.5 and dd2 was 2.5). Haha. We didn’t ask her to do this obviously or get her to be hands on with the toilet etc she just copied me with the encouragement.

they are older teens now, they rub along ok but not super close.

And the first few days with a new baby are really bloody hard so give yourself a break and don’t worry too much!

You’ll be able to manage the situation far easier when you are mobile and not in pain x

Thank you so much, I've actually got a bit weepy reading this one which I guess just goes to show my current state! (Also it's reminded me I'm due a painkiller!)

Thank you and to all who have responded... I will definitely try to use dd's dolly so we can parallel-parent a bit. I'm also going to do my best not to assume it'll be this hard forever... we will all adjust I'm sure, and it'll get easier...!

You've got high expectations about how everything will go, theres a peril to reading too much and preparing too much because it makes you think that you've got something down pat and its going to go this or that way and it never does, huge disappointment

She'll get fed up in the end, its new, its a novelty.

You just remind her 'no, mummies and daddies look after babies, not other children' each time she tries to get overly involved and just ignore the sulks

I could have written this. DD1 is 3.5, DD2 3 weeks

Toddler is peeved when I breast feed as she can't see baby properly. Constantly wants to change her nappy or help bath her. Absolutely loves her but probs to much. In the early days constantly wanting to hold her when grandparents there. Not really wanting to play anything even when baby is asleep. After 10 days baby had caught a cold from her.

I have found it's got better as the days have gone on she is leaving her alone more but it's been hard. No real advice just some solidarity xx

Oh gosh 3 weeks, I'm so daunted! That's good that it's got more manageable though. Amazed that we aren't the only one, I'd never read about this with older siblings before.

Our evening has improved slightly, I put a plaster on dd's scratch and she's re-performed the Christmas carols for me and ds (with dh singing along as he'd watched the original). He's making dinner now whew

@Mumoftwo1312 here we seem to have days where it worse and better now. I'm hoping in another week or two the baby will be less of a novelty and all the new Christmas toys will be a distraction.

I'm happy that at least my DD doesn't seem jealous of the baby at all which was my main worry. Hope you have a lovely Christmas x

Bless her. Can she 'read' stories to him, show him a puppet or sing songs to him?

Perhaps she could also be the photographer?

Congratulations on your new ds.

My dc are adults now, with a similar age gap. My top tip was get a nice decorated box that dd can lift, and fill it with "special" things. A new comic, couple books, sticker book, little toys - anything that she can enjoy sitting next to you while you feed ds. This is the special box. Sneakily change its contents when you can.

Then, whenever ds needs a feed and it is just you and her, off she goes to get her special box while you settle ds into the feed. She then cuddles up and enjoys the time with you and the special box. When the feed is over, the box goes away.

It really worked for me although dd wasn't so interested in ds!

On the bigger picture, the novelty will wear off and if feeding and sleeping are sorted, maybe she can help with nappy changes etc.

You've just had a baby and a C-section, you will feel wobbly. Try not to worry.

Thank you all, I'm feeling a bit more hopeful this morning!

We've made some progress already - we've drawn two red lines around breastfeeding and sleeping. If he needs a feed, then after that he needs a burp, and dd can't cuddle the baby till those things have happened (but she can help stroke his back while dh does the burping). If he's asleep, she can't have him on her lap, but can only approach silently and do a gentle stroke on the arm or leg.

The thing that is still exhausting is the constant commentary and unsolicited "advice" lol: "oh mummy he's crying isn't he? Looks like he didn't feed enough just now. Shall we try a dummy do you think?" I'm thinking omg when will you lose interest lol!

My in laws are leaving today - they're so extremely helpful especially at keeping dd entertained (they've just gone out for a scooter ride) - so I'm a bit daunted by how hard it'll be when it's just the four of us.

It's so nice to hear that others have been thru the same thing with their two. Interesting that they've all been older sisters not brothers (out of this v small sample) and I'm going to process that thought when I'm less frazzled, I've never wanted dd to feel she has to help care for her brother.

Thank you all and I'm going to keep updating this thread! Got to remind myself I've only been out of hospital less than two days haha there's time to get this sorted!

I'll definitely try special toybox idea! Dd has several advent calendars (a book one, a toy one, a choc one - until now the only grandchild on either side lol so gets all the gifts) - which has been our distraction.

She's still a bit too clumsy to be a photographer (I don't know if I've accidentally made her out to be more mature than she is - she talks quite grown up but is still not yet 3.5) but I love the singing idea, if anything that'll cheer me up. Who doesn't love hearing their kid sing eh!

Just say no.

Its sounds like you’re so reluctant to upset her, or dissuade her from being interested in the baby, because you’ve been so worried about the transition from being the PFB to the older sibling, and you want to do everything RIGHT.

Which is understandable, but come on, you’re going to drive yourself mad.

Tell her that there are some jobs sisters can’t do. Tell her to leave him alone when he sleeps. Just say no.

I’ve been in your shoes. My daughter was 3 when her brother was born. In many ways it was easier because she resented his very existence (this carried on for most of the past eight years) and I at least didn’t have a three year old patronising me and trying to micromanage my mothering skills 😅

Not very helpful but does anyone else think this child sounds hilarious?

The image of a 3 year old saying ‘oh mummy I don’t think he fed enough’ and ‘shall we try a dummy do you think’ just makes me 😂

I agree this sounds hilarious, and compared with my experience sounds like a dream, although the grass is always greener…

My DD HATED her little sister. Whenever she spoke to her or about her, it was literally through gritted teeth. She’d never help with anything and we could leave her near her as she hit her a couple of times. Like you I thought I’d prepared and tried to do it all thoughtfully. She still hates her now at times tbh. I think we don’t talk enough about the temperaments these kids arrive with, we blame ourselves for absolutely everything! It’s ok to be a bit bugged by this and set some boundaries that you can live with, whilst encouraging their bond.

It’s just new and novelty to her, it will wear off. Congratulations xx

Haha yes @MrsWhites it is quite funny the stuff she says, thank you for reminding me to see the funny side! Apparently at nursery when it's her turn for Show and Tell (they do it weekly), the teachers told me she holds her toy behind her back and says to the others "I'm not showing you till you're all sitting quietly!"

It's just hard because she gets so hurt if we tell her no, for example she accidentally bopped him on the head with the book she was holding today and crumpled up when I told her to be more careful. It's like she's got this expectation of herself to be the perfect big sister. I'm so worried that we've somehow set this up by giving her the doll and things like that, she got given a present from an aunt which is a t shirt saying Best Big Sister. I really don't need her to be any kind of big sister, I'd be fine if she ignored him honestly!

But it's 2am and I've been clusterfeeding for hours and dh and I have had to clean up two during-nappy-change wees so far tonight (wow boys can really projectile wee...) so I'm exhausted and not being as positive as usual! Tomorrow is another day...!