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Original poster

DD insecure since introduced to new partner

13 replies

Tickled3 · 15/12/2023 10:12

My partner and I have recently made our relationship official and I have told DD (6) about it. We were actually dating for much longer but I had kept it from DD as I didn't want to confuse her. She really likes my DP as he always spends a lot of attention on her when he is around but despite all she seems to be confused or conflicted, which is what I had wanted to avoid.
She is generally really happy to see him, but she gets upset if he stays over night. DD still goes through phases where she wakes and wants to sleep next to me, and this has now started more frequently again, and most noticeably when he is staying over. I know that she must be worried about the changes but I'm wondering if there is anything else I can do differently to make her feel more secure. Whatever happens, she will always be my number 1 person. During the day she seems fine and happy, and she is excited and glued to DP when he is around, but nighttime seems to trigger anxiety in her.
Any tips how I can handle this better?

OP posts:
OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 10:22

You’ve recently made it official and he’s already staying over.
Go back to seeing each other but him not staying over.

You are asking her to deal with too much too soon in that you are expecting her to deal with accepting him in your life, and her sharing you, and him staying over night. She should have several months of knowing you are in a relationship and seeing you together before you start having him staying over.

DinoDays · 15/12/2023 10:27

How long have you and your partner been together? I noticed you managed to miss that bit out of your OP.

The answer is easy, stop him staying over while your daughter is there. Poor wee thing.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/12/2023 10:31

I wouldn’t have had a new partner staying over with a 6 year old.

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Hermittrismegistus · 15/12/2023 10:33

How long have you been together? How long had she known about it before he started sleeping over?

hellsBells246 · 15/12/2023 10:39

OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 10:22

You’ve recently made it official and he’s already staying over.
Go back to seeing each other but him not staying over.

You are asking her to deal with too much too soon in that you are expecting her to deal with accepting him in your life, and her sharing you, and him staying over night. She should have several months of knowing you are in a relationship and seeing you together before you start having him staying over.

This.

Original poster
Tickled3 · 15/12/2023 10:40

That's fair enough. He actually has stopped staying over for now because I didn't want her to be upset. We've been together for 8 months but we knew each other before. DD has known him since she was 3 and she has always been OK with him being around, or when we went for short trips away together that included overnight stays. We'll probably stick to no overnight stays in my house for a while then.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 10:43

Why did you ever have him sleeping over if she gets into bed with you at night? I’m in favour of kids getting in as long as they need to but it’s completely incompatible with having a boyfriend sharing your bed as well. What have you been doing when she’s come in during the night? Let her even though he’s also there? Not let her? Asked him to move?

8 months is not “a lot longer” btw.

Original poster
Tickled3 · 15/12/2023 12:01

She usually sleeps on her own and well, but she has phases where she wakes and wants to sleep next to me. It's usually when she is upset or got scared by something. I know that she really likes him, but I guess I should have left it longer before making changes to our routine. I'll definitely take it on board. Thanks

OP posts:
BonnieBairn · 15/12/2023 12:09

When my now DH started staying over he slept separately to me, he slept in my room and I bunked in with one of my kids. Partly because my littlest still got up in the night occasionally and I didn't want her to feel she couldn't come to me if needed and also so he didn't feel uncomfortable. Gradually as they became comfortable with him staying over we slept in the same bed but by that point my youngest knew and was happy to come and get me if she woke.

grayhairdontcare · 15/12/2023 13:21

Could he stay in your bed and you stay with her if he is staying over?

CocoPlum · 15/12/2023 13:25

Agree with everyone else that this is too much too quickly. My DP didn't stay overnight for literally years after we told my children about him (DD was 6 at that point). Their dad on the other hand told them about his new partner, they'd met her twice, then moved in with her and her children, which resulted in a lot of challenging behaviour from my DC when they came home.

Darhon · 15/12/2023 13:33

Get a bed in her room that you can get in with her. On mumsnet you aren’t allowed to move on if you have children, despite this happening all the time in the real world. Lots of things unsettle kids, they still have to happen. You’ve been respectful to her and been slow. As she is young you might need to articulate for her how she is feeling. My best mate considers the man her mum introduced to her at 5, her dad. A women I worked with once told me that she’d married a widower and that the now adult daughter he had, had been ‘mine since she was 5’ as she loved her so much and considered her the same as her other kids. As long as everyone is treating the child in a parental and loving way, you can move on and blend.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:07

Tickled3 · 15/12/2023 10:40

That's fair enough. He actually has stopped staying over for now because I didn't want her to be upset. We've been together for 8 months but we knew each other before. DD has known him since she was 3 and she has always been OK with him being around, or when we went for short trips away together that included overnight stays. We'll probably stick to no overnight stays in my house for a while then.

i am confused
you only recently told your daughter about this relationship

but you have already been away for overnight trips with both your daughter and partner?

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