MIL

[EllenSpark]

Am I being over protective?
My MIL looks after my 14 month old son whilst I work. When I turned up to collect him the other day, he was sat in his highchair, alone in the room without any supervision, eating food that had been chopped into cubes (perfect size for choking). There were two adults in the house so at least one could have sat with him. I wanted to mention to MIL about 1) the choking hazard food and 2) him being left unsupervised, but I didn't in the end. I'm not sure if I am being a bit over-protective and I didn't want to seem critical when she's helping me out by looking after him. It's been a few days since and it is bugging me. I really want to tell her not to leave him alone whilst he's eating, and not to cut food into that shape! Any suggestions?

I think I would tactfully mention it.

Well sorry to say but you need to pop out of the room at times when you have a child and if he was in the high chair then I don’t see the issue

What were they both doing?

Letting him have cubes of what? And how old is he?

looking after a small child is very demanding and honestly you need to pick your battles v carefully

Of course mention it. You have to have clear lines of communication in these sort of situations.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of the granny, by the way. I'd hate to think my DD/DSIL or DS/DDIL were worried about something I'd done and didn't feel able to tell me.

You can be kind/tactful, and hopefully she is open to your thoughts

I think I would either pay for childcare or leave her to it.

@Quitelikeit you don’t normally leave a very young child alone when they are eating

All of mine managed to outwit the strap and stand in the chair.

You need to be in the room if they are monkeys

I caught them on a few occasions wobbling and about to fall. I still remember how I got them to sit, I pulled their legs and they sat down with a thump.

The food chunks need tackling for sure

Prehaps take a snack pack, with the ideal way of cutting his food to demonstrate how he eats it safely.

And mention to her to be around him when he's eating as he is still learning to eat and is vulnerable to choking.

Gentle, kind, almost like a reminder. Or the new way of doing it since her time. GP love the GC dearly and often just have a different way of doing things.

I'd be horrified by that too, OP. Young children should always be supervised when eating, and I'd add that he should never be left alone in a high chair either, even if not eating. I had a DD who was a climber and she used to wriggle out of the straps and stand up in her high chair!

It's difficult to broach it tactfully, but something must be said. Would your DH be able to talk to his parents on your behalf? Perhaps he could say that you were a bit concerned and asked him what he thought, and he is very worried about DS choking/falling from his highchair so please don't leave him like this again.

Yanbu. We have our dgd who isn't quite 2 once or twice a week. I asked dh to watch her while she was eating the other day as I needed to leave the room for a few minutes. I came back and he'd decided that that was the exact moment he needed to take the bins out!
He's a lovely grandad, he just genuinely thought she'd be fine for a a minute or so. He knew I wasn't happy and I'm pretty sure he won't repeat it.
I would mention it.

I think I'd have to mention it. Yes she's doing you the favour but you'd never forgive her or yourself if something awful happened. You never leave a child alone when eating.

What if she popped to the loo?

no one in their right mind would leave a child in a chair they could climb out of!

Well I am a fully responsible mother and I have left my children alone in their chair to get the door and use the bathroom

but we have no explanation as to where the adults were and what they were doing

Agree with other posters. You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t mention it and something happened. I have a 1 year old and watch him like a hawk while eating. Choking on inappropriately sized food is a real hazard as is a baby trying to escape a chair and falling. I feel for you having to tackle the situation but you genuinely do know best it’s your baby 🥰 you will stress about it until you tackle it and it may be awkward after it but you might just avoid an awful accident 👍

I’d purchase another. It would be dangerous to keep a chair that a child could climb out of - imagine if you turned your back to out kettle on but op is not saying the chair was dangerous

If you think pulling MIL up is likely to cause upset, maybe you could embellish it a bit by saying you noticed DS nearly choked at home the other day with a cube of cucumber (or whatever it was) and he's better with finger shaped pieces so will you do that from now on just in case, oh and he's also started wriggling out of the straps in his high chair so you won't be able to leave him in it by himself in case he gets out.
Just be casual but very firm about it.

I have my 2 1/2 yr old granddaughter two days a week and she is looked after exactly the way my DIL wants me to, by that I mean that she knows I am fully capable of raising a child without any instruction from her as evidenced by the well-balanced individual that is my son. We talk all the time about what DGD is up to and how.
If you can't talk about this with your MIL then you need to find alternative childcare.

Put it this way, if a parent did this and their child choked (god forbid), social services would be on their case faster than you could imagine (if the parents admitted to leaving the child alone, of course)

Of course you don't "need to pop out of the room at times" when you've got a 14 month old in a highchair with food in front of them 😯 The same way you don't "pop out of the room" when they're in the bath. Some situations are inherently riskier than others and require close supervision. Honestly some people have zero common sense.

MIL is clearly not good at risk assessing and in your shoes I'd be looking for professional childcare. I understand it's not ideal to have to pay, but the safety of your baby is obviously paramount.

If you're determined to use her for childcare, I definitely wouldn't pussyfoot around it like some PP are suggesting. This is your baby's safety and you need to advocate for her by communicating her needs clearly. At the end of the day, in the worst case scenario you're talking about a fatal choking incident. Given that the stakes are so high, you can't be giving vague hints and making up fake stories to try and get your point across. Your child's life is more important that your MIL's feelings.

You're a mother now, you don't have the luxury of not having difficult conversations when it comes to the safety of your child.

Your baby should never, EVER be left alone while eating. If your MIL reacts badly to you talking to her about this or dismisses your concerns, you need to find different childcare.

I agree. These are not small risks. I would get dh to say something.

My DD choked the other week. She was silent and it was absolutely horrifying, and she had 3 adults with her at the time. Please say something - your child could come to serious harm from this. It’s too important not to speak up.

Perhaps he was alone in the room because she was letting you in the door. Do you really think they’re leaving him to eat alone while they watch TV in another room or whatever?

I'd also enrol both of you in one of those first aid day courses if she is to continue looking after your child. You going too will sweeten the pill.

You are the mother. You decide what does and doesn't happen in your own home with your children. Speak up, but be diplomatic.

Thanks for all the replies. Just to answer a few questions.:

• One grandparent was cooking in the kitchen (different room to baby) and I'm not entirely sure what the other was doing, just general faffing I think.
• We let ourselves into the house so no one was answering the door.
• I could see my son through the front window and could see no one was with him when we pulled onto the drive.
• We do pay for childcare half of the time, and I do feel more relaxed when he's in that setting.

I think I will try the suggestion of showing them how we cut his food to reduce choking risk, and DH is going to think of a tactful way to bring up the issue of leaving baby unsupervised.
I like the idea of the first aid course, maybe I should get them one for Christmas (jokes).
Thanks all.