My mums is being manipulative and rude

[Rosalinda5]

Hello everyone, I suppose I just want to air out and talk to somebody and get a perspective on this situation. I’ve talked to my partner but I don’t think he quite understands how much it upsets me.

My mum and I don’t have perfect relationship and we tend to bicker. Ever since my children have been born I’ve discovered this new negative side of my own mother and it’s really upsetting me. She never wants to help me with her grandchildren and every time she does she ends up whining how tired she got.

I understand that so I stopped asking her for help.

She would still visit occasionally and every time she comes around I hear silly remarks about how messy my house is, or that my toddler is very nervous and sensitive bless her (in her own words). Toddlers cry and have melt downs and every time my daughter has a tantrum my mum says that she’s not normal and something is wrong with her.

it really upsets me.

I want to share a specific situation and I’d like to know your thoughts.

I have a creative business and I started to look for some help to do some simple painting and packaging jobs in this busy festive period. When my mum found out she was very keen to help and was surprised that I didn’t offer it to her. I said ok we can give it a go.
She’s been helping me for a week and she stayed over at hours for that whole time.
She was doing annoying things like giving our dog lots of snacks (she gave her an apple tart at one point). The dog had completely lost it and started barking, following her around and even sleeping with my mum at night. I saw her giving her food all the time and I asked her not to do it. She started shouting and refusing that she’s done any of that.

She also kept giving my toddler snacks right before dinner and rolling her eyes at me for how I don’t wipe my child’s hands and mouth properly after dinner and lots of other things.

One day both kids were really fussy and crying and we were getting ready to walk the dog. She almost had a panic attack and said that she can’t handle so much crying in her age and asked me to leave the house with the toddler and she’ll catch up with my 3 month old.
she also said ‘I don’t know what you’re doing to you children…’

that really upset me.

Later that day she did something slightly wrong work wise and I got a bit frustrated and emotional but I wasn’t rude to her.

somehow it turned into a very heated argument and she left.

She then texted my partner the next day that she has a high blood pressure and was advised to take medication and go into emergency if it gets worse.

she also said that she had refunded me the money (£200 I paid her for a week) and she won’t be able to help because she’s on bed rest and her hand is shaking because of weakness and she can’t paint (her words).

She’s 56 and otherwise healthy and always complains how tired she is. She holds my son for 5 minutes and complains that she is tired as he’s very heavy.

She was very keen to help with work but said she can’t stand my aggression and crying children?!?

I’m so confused and upset. She left me in a difficult situation as I have no help in the run up to Christmas workwise.

Should I be feeling guilty? I still have all the nasty comments she made playing in my head.

should I send her the money back again?

Part of me wants to just cut her off and stop contact (I’ve felt like that many times before).

what if she does end up in a hospital? Shall I call her?

I’n very confused and overwhelmed with all the emotions and I’d love some fresh input.

Thanks in advance!

My big sister is similar to the personality you describe. It’s so hard to cut off family. But I’m sure you’re also thinking what if she says these sort of things when the kids are old enough to understand? Love her, care about her, but from a distance.

She sounds like a narcissist. Nothing you do will ever be right. Read about it. You don’t have to go NC but you need to set boundaries. Be polite but don’t engage in the drama. She’s jealous of how well you are looking after your children. She cannot cope with any criticism whatsoever so will always try to put it back on to you.
it is really shit as there isn’t much you can do about it. She will never be wrong.

Sorry that you have a mum like this - it’s really difficult. Xxx

The comments she makes about your parenting are awful but so are the comments you make about her health.

Thanks for your reply! Yes I remember looking up the red flags if narcissism and it was spot on!
its really difficult, I wonder if deep down she knows that it’s upsetting me. I just can’t imagine being like that to my children, it’s really awful to process.

Really appreciate you responding and sharing this!

Yes I’m aware I might sound ‘harsh’ or inconsiderable. I’ve tried to listen to her and help her loads. She has some back problems but never takes her prescribed medicine. She complains about how much it hurts in the evenings but doesn’t want to take pills because they have morphine in them. I don’t see how can she be helped in that case. It just seems that she just likes the attention that comes with her expressing the pain.
She’s single now and lives alone and I often feel that she’s trying to get attention from me that you’d usually get from your partner. I’m not sure I can fill that void.

I hug her, show her love and help her whenever she needs but her constant complaining just brings me and everyone in the house down.

Can I recommend the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board OP, it's for people with family members like your mum and the posters there will understand your situation completely and be able to support and advise you

Maybe you just have differing parenting styles and she does find that you come across as aggressive?

Its very rare that just one person is the problem, although I acknowledge that often one person is the bigger perpetrator.

Have you directly asked your mum what exactly is the problem, or perceived problem she has with you?

I think you then need to set some solid boundaries with her such as no more passive aggressive remarks, no criticising your homes tidiness and to stop saying there is something wrong with your children unless she has genuine concerns.

I think you then need to set some solid boundaries with her such as no more passive aggressive remarks, no criticising your homes tidiness and to stop saying there is something wrong with your children unless she has genuine concerns.

My "D"M sounds very similar to yours. I don't think she will adhere to any rules you try and get her to agree to.

Like another poster said, you can love her, but from a distance.

She simply isn't capable of supporting you, your DC or your business. Look up F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

And this is nothing to do with her age. I'm a very similar age and manage work, a home, looking after my own DC and the various old people on the family that we have responsibility for.

I only see my "D"M in her own home and leave as soon as she starts with her criticism or nasty comments.

I would try and put some distance between you for now and concentrate on your own family and your business