Fed up of telling my 5 year old off

[babycakes778]

I'm at my end wits with my 5 year old.

He's always been abit difficult but recently it is horrendous. Causing lots of arguments between me and his dad.

He doesn't listen at all at home, will go and touch things in the kitchen when we've asked him not to, will be rude back chat throw tantrums. If we try to punish him with a time out he will refuse to stay in his room.

He pulls silly faces at us.

Today he's told me he doesn't want to live with us anymore and that he hates us.

I've spoke to school who say he doesn't do any of this but he's making life at home living hell!

I have tried a star chart which worked a little while ago but at the moment he won't even get a star to start it off.

I'm exhausted by it tbh.

Anyone have a ways of punishing? I would ban screen time but sometimes it's the only hour I have to do something. Otherwise he will be touching stuff he shouldn't be.

I think you do have to choose a consequence and stick to it. If the thing that will motivate him to behave is that he could lose screen time, then I'd go with that (unless there's something else that will also motivate him) even if it's inconvenient for you, as it's the thing most likely to work!

Not for silly things like pulling faces though. I'd just laugh about that!

Hoe terrible is it to let him touch stuff? Is it stuff you can put away for awhile (like vases)? I’d try to make his environment fault-proof so he has less opportunity to do things wrong.

Pick your battles and see what you can get rid of.

I wouldn't punish silly faces, just don't reward with attention.

The 'I hate you stuff' wouldn't get punished either, just a cheery 'I'm sorry you feel like that, we will always love you' or similar.

Kitchen stuff can you go back to locking cupboards/putting stuff you don't want touched out of reach etc? Remove temptation whenever possible.

Then clear, quick, relatable consequences for anything that really needs zero tolerance like violence etc.

Has he just started school? Lots of big change, I'd also spend at much really dedicated time with him as you can. Even if it's 10 mins at a time in between you doing chores etc.

Is it a bit of end-of-termitis? Especially if he’s just finishing up a very long term in reception?

Make your home as child friendly as possible and let him explore things he is allowed to touch.

so often parents are looking for more ways to punish a child to get what they want from them behaviour wise but the answer is almost always positive reinforcement of behaviour you DO want

What is he touching in the kitchen and why? Is he doing it purely to get your attention? (even if it's negative rather than positive attention) Is he wanting to help you cook? Is he wanting to explore/learn about stuff?

I wouldn't be looking for ways to punish him, but ways you can build up and strengthen your relationship with him, for example, think about why he's not listening - is he being listened to? Does he feel like his opinions and views are respected and valued?

My DC (5) was like this too. For him he was trying to get attention anyway he could. Which meant purposefully doing silly/dangerous things or being argumentative. I found activities that we both like and gave good 1:1 time and when he was doing something silly I tried to remain calm and boring. It's been hard but he's definitely a lot better behaved now.

We also introduced doing helpful things to get pocket money and he now looks for things to do to earn more money.

Mine also says Your not my mummy and you have to live somewhere else. He's stopped saying it when he doesn't get the reaction he wants

Solidarity op. My son is tired from being in year 1 and it's just a slog now. You're not alone. It's incredibly frustrating!

I also find when he isn't deliberately challenging us he's still doing it unintentionally by just not thinking. So I have to remind / nag him to do everything e.g drink water. Exhausting!

Thanks for the replies. I feel like a crappy mum at the moment.

The touching thing is everything could be going into the cupboards, to look through the drawers. Yesterday he went into the fridge and took the pizza out and put it in the freezer which left us with no tea.

He also touches everything if we go into a shop or into someone else's house. I find it such a nightmare.

I need a consequence that works but I'm not sure what that is anymore.

I wish he would go to time out but that seems to escalate things quite a lot.

He's in reception. I thought once he started school it would get easier. Xx

You're not a crap mum. It's really easy to get into this cycle and hard to break out without effort.

I'd lock cupboards and fridge, just take that issue away until a time you're both better set to deal with it. He's probably exhausted from reception, so it's made things harder - kids are often like this, focused on following the rules at school they just can't cope when they get to their safe space. It will get better.

Google restraint collapse.

I'd do time in rather than time out and just look for whatever you can do to reconnect and spend nice time together that's low key. Read Christmas books and watch Christmas telly and snuggle on the sofa?

https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/discipline/time-out-problems-and-alternatives Time outs are really not an effective way of disciplining children - they provide a short amount of time for the parents to calm down, but children don't learn anything from them.
The best consequences are those which are directly related to the misbehaviour, so in the pizza example, the consequence was not having pizza for tea. What did he say when you asked him why he did it?

I have to say I don't get the pizza thing. Surely it would have just delayed tea by a few mins not ruined it?

Give him activities, structured time at home ao he is busy with his hands.
Take fidget toys with you if you are shopping so he is occupied.
I don't think trying to conjure up punishments for him is the best way to go, he is struggling with something and needs help rather than telling off.

Keep him busy! Dd gets into all sorts of stuff if she’s bored.

I’ve set up a craft table in the dining room - cheap ikea kids table, with kid safe scissors, glue, paper, pens etc etc and she will happily cut and stick. Or get him some interactive games, card games that you can play with him? It’s basically him being bored and coming up with games himself.

Punishments aren’t going to fix the problem, just make you all unhappy.

It sounds like a normal five year old tbh. He sounds a bit bored and hyper. But not massively naughty. They all do faces and say they hate you etc.

He's going through an intensive period of learning about socialisation in the playground, how to make friends or decide not to be friends, what impresses people or annoys them or scares them. And he's exploring it at home too.

Touching things - why not? It's his home. Move dangerous things out of reach or teach him how to navigate them. If he does something daft like leaving food out, ok consequence is he has boring dinner like toast instead of pizza.

What's his after school routine like, does he have after school club, snack, play, tv time? If he gets home late then you just want to make dinner without him bothering you, I can see why he'd play up to get your attention.

Time out is a fairly rubbish punishment, we do 'i choose what you watch on tv' which means they still sit quietly but have to watch newsround or something :) it needs to be fairly immediate and something they care about.

It sounds quite combative environment which will be contributing to his reactions

I don't think you should be focusing on finding out more punishments, I think it would help to look for ways to distract/teach/communicate with your child to avoid needing to punish in the first place. Have you tried the book how to talk so kids will listen? It's really useful. Also pick your battles. Ignore silly behaviour where you can if it's not hurting anyone. Massively praise good behaviour and give lots of attention for that.

The reason time out is effective for some people is it’s the first time their parent is making no mean no.

If you are doing this in other ways they really shouldn’t be necessary for most kids.

Its not about being a crap parent or not it’s about being able to pull yourself out of the situation to analyse it objectively.

Is he messing with things be sure he feels (reasonably or not) that you aren’t paying him enough attention? Focus 1-2-1 time will resolve this

Is he doing it because he doesn’t realise he isn’t supposed? Play through the scenarios and show him through the toys what you do and don’t want.

Is he struggling with impulse control? Read up on games you can play to increase willpower abs impulse control. Things like the stop/go game (usually in a park let them run ahead and shout stop/go with lots of praise. Useful to train a reaction to the word stop which can save their life if they go to run in the road.)

If you genuinely cant see it for yourself invite a friend you trust to give you some genuine feedback and sit with it.

Op kids are horrid this time of year. Mine got really shitty once they learned about Christmas my eldest in particular cannot cope with the anticipation. He particularly hated being told he would go on the naughty list when he was 5/6 once I realised that I started reassuring him that he is a good little boy and he is on the nice list his behaviour got MUCH better.
It's also nearing the end of term and they are tired and cranky. It's dark and cold and wet.

Cut the little guy some slack.

This is all totally normal 5yr old stuff Op.
you're being too harsh, so pick your battles.
I gave up shouting 18 months ago because I felt I was turning into my mum who did nothing but shout shout shout at me and my sister all the time.

I mostly manage it, but I do have times where I lose my basket just like everyone else.
I think let the small things go. What is really important to you and where do you want to draw your line in the sand? If all you do is whinge/tell him off for everything, it becomes a slog for you and he stops listening. Find your boundaries, hold them firm and let everything else go.

So what if he touches stuff,as long as he's safe does it matter? let him empty out the Tupperware cupboard as many times as he wants for example and give him all the saucepans and spoons while you're at it.

When you go to someone's house, take some of his toys or keep some in the car that are special for car journeys and going out and explain that it's important to look after other peoples things, look with your eyes etc.

Funny faces and toilet humour - total non issue. Little boys think they're hilarious!

Keep him as occupied as you can at home, you know how much kids love a challenge?
My kids go mad for Simon Says and I always end on something "funny" to them, like smack your bottom or something!

Sorry, I feel really sorry for you little boy. He is ‘touching things’ and ‘making faces’ and you are looking for more punishments. My son was always naughty (ADHD diagnosed 5 years later). He could be truly terrible and not just at home either.

The only thing that worked for all of us was love bombing. This is your darling child; someone you would give your life for without a moments hesitation. Remember that when you feel he is being ‘naughty’. Catch him being good, talk to him, keep him busy helping you, cuddle him, tell him what good company he is and how much you enjoy having him around, remind him how much you love him.

This made such a difference. My only regrets are shouting at him. I wish someone had told me not to shout, but to find the joy in my little boy much sooner. I am sure you can imagine the guilt I felt when I found out he had ADHD.

I have a five year old; I don’t really punish him at all. I praise every single cooperative action no
matter how small and give lots of attention when he’s behaving well. I don’t expect good behaviour when he’s tired, hungry or just out of school. It’s easy to get into a vicious circle when you are also tired and stressed, but if you can just get into a virtuous circle somehow it all becomes easier.

Same. It’s really important to get into this cycle

DS has adhd. I don’t tell him off unless it’s something dangerous but I do praise him when he does something good. It works well. We went through the touching everything phase too so I got him a few child knives / kitchen equipment and made him help me with the cooking - it’s now one of his chores and he loves it.