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Open ended play - I just can’t do it!

18 replies

Roto15 · 11/12/2023 11:53

I feel like the worst parent - 7 year old DS loves to just stay at home and ‘play’ but the whole concept just feels me with dread. I am not an adult who finds it easy to enjoy play and I find myself becoming grumpy if we don’t have a plan or somewhere to go as I’m just so bored, I can literally manage about 30 mins. How do others who don’t have the play bone manage this? He refuses to do any activities (I.e clubs, sports etc) out of the house at the weekend and moans and groans if I drag him out for a walk or something that I fancy doing. I try to spend as much time as possible with friends as he’s an only child, so give him plenty of time with other kids. But when we’re on our own with no plans we just drive each other nuts because we have such different ideas of what makes for a good day!

OP posts:
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UsingChangeofName · 11/12/2023 12:14

I think he needs to learn that if he wants to 'play' then he needs to belong to groups that do that.
You are an adult. I wouldn't expect you to be wanting to 'play' for hours on end.

If you accept that he "refuses to do any activities" then he has to accept he is going to be bored.

vaiolop · 11/12/2023 12:20

Have you ever taken any drama classes? I think that's a good way to start to get used to imaginative play games. It might feel unnatural at first but you soon get used to it. For me it's just part of spending time with children - I'd expect a nanny to do it if they were looking after my child so I just pretend I'm being paid to do it and it's in my job description (which it sort of is, as a sahm). It does benefit their language and social interaction enormously so I definitely recommend making some effort, and not just bowing out. There are some good books with ideas of games to play especially outdoor activities.

Autumcolors · 11/12/2023 12:29

Walks I used to motivate my children with little chocolates like smarties - when they started to get tired, also being very brisk and cheerful and talking about topics there were interested in. Also ‘what shall we do when we get home’
It can’t all be one way. He needs to at least without complaining do the activities you want because he is 7 and you are in charge.
You are in charge and if you want him to do a particular activity because you think he will enjoy it and it’s good for him then he can give it a go. Personally I’d ignore the complaining. It’s likely that when he is there he is fine. Life is about not always doing what you want all the time. The earlier he learns that about life the easier it will be for him.

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spitefulandbadgrammar · 11/12/2023 12:32

What kind of play? At 7 my parents wouldn’t have played with us – walks, bike rides, days out, board games, yes, but not pottering about at home stuff. They’d do DIY/lunch/the garden/whatever and we were expected to amuse ourselves: my mum’s mantra was “only boring people get bored”. And I couldn’t play with my sister because we didn’t get along, so I was on my own mostly. Separately she and I quickly learned how to entertain ourselves: crafts, digging holes in the garden, being a spy, colouring, making things, reading, helping (hindering) our parents in their tasks. We also moaned at being taken for walks but were made to go anyway and eventually that too “took”.

Perhaps I’m horrible but I’ve followed the same path with my DC: they can play, I’m in the vicinity but they do their thing and I do mine, unless it’s Monopoly or cards or something. Everyone has to go for a walk unless the wind is blowing you horizontal. They’re extremely self sufficient and can disappear for hours to occupy themselves. But I accept this may be a personality trait and I just got lucky/they inherited the ability from me.

Can you enrol in something together: swimming? Or break the day into chunks: TV and getting ready for the day, breakfast, he chooses the morning activity (staying at home boring you senseless), then it’s lunch, then you choose (a walk, or him occupying himself while you do what YOU want), then an hour together before dinner doing a specific thing like a game, then dinner, then whatever… basically the same way you’d get through the mind numbing tedium of looking after a baby, just approach it a bit at a time rather than staring down the barrel of a whole day.

Daisies12 · 11/12/2023 12:34

i think DS needs to know the plans for each day, i.e., they'll be a walk or an activity in the morning, but then time for play in the afternoon. It can't just be all what he wants. And give him notice, like "we can play for 1 hour, then i have to cook dinner, or whatever"

RaininSummer · 11/12/2023 12:42

For the times when you really need to play with him, build up a set of decent board games as he is just getting the age of being capable of playing less childish games.

Colinswheels · 11/12/2023 12:56

I also dread imaginative play, I find it utterly dull. I don't mind doing jigsaws / lego / board games etc but I can't stand pretending I'm Elsa and its my birthday and I'm going to be 5 etc. My DD sounds similar to your DS, she will go to clubs, but attempts to do other things always end up in complaining etc. Getting her to amuse herself is only possible with the use of a screen. No real advice, its extremely frustrating and I just hope she grows out of it.

eurochick · 11/12/2023 13:10

I can't stand it and won't do it. My daughter knew by 7 that mama would do Lego /jigsaw/board games/craft but not imaginative play. She can do that with friends.

Alltheyearround · 11/12/2023 13:20

Thank god I have found my tribe. My mum is awesome at this kind of stuff with her grandkids, she could entertain for an hour with a few finger puppets.

I think that gene must have skipped a generation.

'Can you play cars/monster trucks with me?' fills me with dread.

I always thought this was a personal moral failing/deficit and I should somehow try harder.

My brain just switches off though! Happy to do board games and almost anything else. Good job DH is happy to play monster truck races.

maddiemookins16mum · 11/12/2023 13:21

Yikes, when my DD was 7 (an only child), she played happily for hours by herself. Is this the ‘issue’ in so much as he needs another person playing with him?

DGPP · 11/12/2023 15:05

I’ve never done imaginitive play with my kids! They know I will play board games and take them on days out but if they want to dress up or whatever, that’s when they have friends over or they do it at brownies.
tell DS he needs to amuse himself but you will play a board game at the weekend plus a walk, plus some baking and a movie.
if he complains, ignore him!

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2023 19:01

I can't cope with imaginative play . We do lots of board games, reading , computer games plus parks soft play etc and tv.

Roto15 · 11/12/2023 19:10

Thanks everyone! It’s reassuring to hear of you guys holding boundaries - I need to practice more. And I think having a clear plan of the day is a great idea

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 11/12/2023 19:11

Aargh does it go on that long? My dd is 3 and I'm already utterly fed up with these games - we call them Pretend Games.

Her favourite at the moment is where she pretends to be Mummy and dh and/or I are Babies. Argh it's just so awful, we aren't allowed to get up and walk around, we have to nap on demand but then wake up almost instantly, we are bottle fed, we aren't allowed to talk except googoo gaga and it just goes on for ages, her bossing us around. It literally lasts all day and if you accidentally call her by her name she snaps "I'm mummy!" And it gets confusing. Eg dh has to say "would Mummy like some juice" and I can't remember if that means me or not.

It only ends when she declares "you're Mummy again and I'm your daughter again" and I'm like oh thank [censored].

Mummymummy89 · 11/12/2023 19:14

Alltheyearround · 11/12/2023 13:20

Thank god I have found my tribe. My mum is awesome at this kind of stuff with her grandkids, she could entertain for an hour with a few finger puppets.

I think that gene must have skipped a generation.

'Can you play cars/monster trucks with me?' fills me with dread.

I always thought this was a personal moral failing/deficit and I should somehow try harder.

My brain just switches off though! Happy to do board games and almost anything else. Good job DH is happy to play monster truck races.

Haha yes my dm has an unlimited patience for this with dd. I think it's a grandparent thing because I'm sure she wouldn't have when I was little!

Recently I left them in the living room for a bit and came back in and my mum was sort of flailing around face down on the floor while dd was standing over her with her toy stethoscope (!) And dm explained she was a sick octopus.

purplejeanie · 11/12/2023 22:38

Mummymummy89 · 11/12/2023 19:11

Aargh does it go on that long? My dd is 3 and I'm already utterly fed up with these games - we call them Pretend Games.

Her favourite at the moment is where she pretends to be Mummy and dh and/or I are Babies. Argh it's just so awful, we aren't allowed to get up and walk around, we have to nap on demand but then wake up almost instantly, we are bottle fed, we aren't allowed to talk except googoo gaga and it just goes on for ages, her bossing us around. It literally lasts all day and if you accidentally call her by her name she snaps "I'm mummy!" And it gets confusing. Eg dh has to say "would Mummy like some juice" and I can't remember if that means me or not.

It only ends when she declares "you're Mummy again and I'm your daughter again" and I'm like oh thank [censored].

Do you literally do this all day?!!

Mummymummy89 · 12/12/2023 01:42

purplejeanie · 11/12/2023 22:38

Do you literally do this all day?!!

Yep on a weekend this often happens...we try and just carry on with our day as normal eg take dd to the supermarket, make lunch etc but she'll "carry" me to the kitchen (hold my leg as I walk) or push the trolley for me and it goes on and on. I forget about the game and try and talk to dh about something but get suddenly barked at "you can't talk, you're a baby!"

I'm heavily pg atm and it's unsettled her loads so we are more indulgent than usual. But if I snap "I'm not playing that game right now" she gets unbelievably offended and I feel bad

johnd2 · 12/12/2023 09:25

Mummymummy89 · 12/12/2023 01:42

Yep on a weekend this often happens...we try and just carry on with our day as normal eg take dd to the supermarket, make lunch etc but she'll "carry" me to the kitchen (hold my leg as I walk) or push the trolley for me and it goes on and on. I forget about the game and try and talk to dh about something but get suddenly barked at "you can't talk, you're a baby!"

I'm heavily pg atm and it's unsettled her loads so we are more indulgent than usual. But if I snap "I'm not playing that game right now" she gets unbelievably offended and I feel bad

But if I snap "I'm not playing that game right now" she gets unbelievably offended and I feel bad

Why not try saying it nicely and then following through with the boundary? It's a good lesson in consent and boundaries to kids that parents only have to do what they want and likewise for kids. It's much more healthy than you have to do something you hate for someone else's entertainment otherwise their feelings will be your problem.
If she is upset or offended then help her with that feeling, don't just fix it at your own expense (and your child's, in the long term)

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