age gaps and jealousy

[limeblossom]

Hi everyone
I'm embarrassed to write this but I've often found good advice on here so here we go.
I've got a child who is almost 2. I would really like to have another child but my partner doesn't want to try for at least 1 year. This is really hard for me as i'd always hoped to have children close together. I have a lot of anxiety around pregnancy and miscarriage and I definitely don't take fertility for granted. I am trying to be positive and focus on the good but I'm very sad about having to wait and scared it won't happen again for us.
I also feel like everyone I know is having their 2nd baby or pregnant again. I know it shouldn't matter but it does hurt seeing this and I am feeling jealous.
Has anyone been through this and got any advice?
Thank you xxx

It's not quite the same as I only have one child and am planning on keeping it that way but my DP had a daughter already when I met him and wasn't sure if he wanted any more children and I definitely felt the jealousy and hurt that you're experiencing because it felt like everyone I knew was hvaing a baby or second baby and it didn't feel fair. However, I did wait for him to be ready and there is now a 6.5 year age gap between my stepdaughter and my son and it's amazing, she's so helpful and she's amazing with her brother. It was just the way it was supposed to be and I love it :) It may not feel like it now but if and when you have baby number 2, you won't be able to imagine them any closer in age.
I also found it really helped to channel all my energy either into my stepdaughter or when she was with her mum, channel it all into the house and into hobbies that I enjoyed such as reading, cooking and swimming :)

I have a bigger age gap than I would have liked. But when I just had my first dc I would make the most of her being an only to take her out to as many fun days out and experiences that we could, lots of swimming, trampolining, active adventure parks with high climbing frames and big soft play centres and theme parks where bringing a baby is a bit difficult. Plus weekend trips away and fun, active holidays. It was the other mums and kids who were jealous of us in the end, as lots of them were confined to the house or stuck doing endless toddler groups because it was too tricky bringing a baby and young toddler on days out while we were out having fun every day.

@limeblossom hey I've recently just had my 4th baby. My son is 2 this week. I have found him very clingy but towards me but he is very very sweet with his baby sister.

I've never experienced having a close in age children. As my other children are 15 and 9 so that's 6 years and between my 9 year and my almost 2 year old there is a 7 year age gap.

Tbh I find that having the 2 eldest children help alot. Especially now as I've just had baby and I can't play wirh my son. They tend to step in and play.

Maybe your hubby is trying to think if you in the long run. Or maybe it's personal reasons

Out of my NCT group of 7, 5 have had babies between 2 and 3. One I'd expecting her third with 2 and 1.5 year age gaps.

At 2y I wasn't well enough to come off the medication that stopped me from getting pregnant without risking birth defects. It made me quite sad that I wasn't in the position to try even if I wanted too.
I'm a year down the road from here and starting to reduce medication and then we will see if we could make 2 children work. The worst thing for me was seeing people have an "easier" choose for 1 Vs 2. I found it hard having more to consider or at least this was how it made me feel. It feels better knowing I'm moving in that direction if we choose. It definitely feels more of a choice and less that this is what life has chosen for us.

My advice is to find what will allow you to make a decision sitting with a million hypotheticals drives you insane

Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I try to dedicate myself to my child. I haven't really got time for hobbies. Sometimes I don't feel like a good enough mum and I think today is one of those days xx

Aw sounds like you two had a lovely time together. We have booked a 4 day holiday for January which will be fun and we probably couldn't do with a small baby. What's the age gap between your kids? Are they friends now? I'm worried we've left it too late and if we are lucky enough to have a 2nd they won't be friends or have anything in common

Congratulations on your new baby <3 yours sounds like a beautiful family. Yeah he didn't feel ready for our first and found the adjustment to parenthood hard, so he wants to wait for that reason. I respect his views but it's still hard for me 😢

The fact that you are feeling like that suggests you absolutely are a good enough mum - we all have those days and nothing anyone says will actually change that feeling but you definitely are doing fab! Now with a SEN toddler I don't have time for hobbies but even if its just a walk with the child in the pram so that you can get some fresh air for yourself, or if you work take 20 mins at lunch for a walk or read, it might help.
I have also found staying up 20 minutes later to just read or colour or something calming has also helped in regards to focusing my energy on something other than thinking about having a baby. It's such a hard thing to have to deal with, I wish I could help more!