How to stay calm if you're not naturally calm

[CityOfFriends]

I feel like this weekend (or at least yesterday morning) was not my finest moment parenting wise. Children just going crazy and me shouting unnecessarily.

Children are 14, 11 and 6. Eldest 2 fight a lot and I feel (know) it doesn't help with me being shouty. I should be modelling good conflict resolution IYKWIM?

They're generally good children, go to school, decent individuals but I could do things so much better. I shouldn't have an excuse really. 2 parent household, decent income, no SENs.

So if you are not a naturally calm person and I feel I am not (I have some amazing friends who seem like they always are!), how do you train yourself not to be a crazy shouty person? How do you show good behaviour so your children model it. Please give me hints and tips.

I'm not naturally calm either. Something that has helped me is counting to 10 in my head before I start yelling. Another thing is reminding myself that yelling doesn't actually achieve what I want. When I yell, it's because I want people to listen. But yelling does the opposite it makes them tune out.

Sending love! It's hard to change our behaviours. You've done a good job in being aware of it and wanting to change xx

Yes! Tuning out is exactly how the outcome of my shouting is!

Good point. Urgh, it's so hard isn't it?

Following with interest! Sounds like you have great self awareness OP and it's great you're working on it.

Life changing lightbulb moment for me was when listening to a podcast on anger, and the expert used this old joke to make his point:

Q: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
A: Practice, practice, practice

The more we lose our rag, the better we get at it, the more entrenched the behaviour becomes. We are training ourselves to react in a particular way, just as we would for running a marathon. The more you do it, the better you get at it.

So we have to practice being calm and entrench that instead. It's not a gift bestowed on some and not on others. I very rarely lose my temper now because I am acutely conscious when I start getting angry that I need to 'practice' being calm. I don't focus on feeling less angry, or even the anger itself; I focus on acting and behaving less angry. It has worked massively for me.

That is really interesting about practising. I was really calm in a crisis until I had children!

1. Focus on the outcome you want, not your emotional reaction to the situation at hand. Basically the parenting equivalent of 'Don't get mad, get even!" (before anyone flames me, I'm not literally suggesting you should want to 'get even' with your children, just that if you try to take emotion out of the equation, it's easier to get the result you want). Easier said than done, I know.

1. Praise good behaviour, and even just lack of bad behaviour.

I've always been pretty calm with my own dc because they were easy. But I've been a secondary school teacher for 28 years, so I am used to having to keep my cool in the face if difficult behaviour.

Practicing! I find the weekends in winter the hardest, when we are confined to the house. If we get out it makes us all feel better.

Thanks all. I have 2 weeks off over Christmas and shall endeavour to be a model mum! My sister is far more chilled than me and it seems to show in her children. I will channel her zen.

Like the Carnegie Hall analogy 😬

2 options which sort of still let you shout

1. Shout at yourself in you head e.g 'oohh look at you getting angry because your child isn't listening! At your grown age letting this child get you so worked up!' lol

Or

1. Shout at your kids but humoursly